Question for those who have been there!!
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Question for those who have been there!!

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree14Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-27-2012, 05:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 357
Question Question for those who have been there!!

Im going to make this short and to the point. I am 7 months or so into R.. H is doing good, no contact with OW. I have no reason to doubt that he has or will again for that matter.

But, it is me!! Why do I on some days feel I am in it 100%. Then the next thing I know I am asking myself--why are you here? Some days I feel great about trying to work it out and we are together. Then other days I question myself, I think NO this is to much, he cheated, thats to much for me to deal with. I dont want to be here, with him, near him, do I really want to try?

But then it all changes emotionally for me and I say to myself, Yeah you do, you love him, his trying, its getting better, he loves you.. etc..

Is it me, or is this on some level Normal for the BS to question it or feel diffrent from one day to the next?

Thanks
Just Tired Of It All is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-27-2012, 05:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Onmyway's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: A**** South Carolina
Posts: 415
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

I'm in the completely wrong mood, and haven't been in R long enough to even consider answering your question, but I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out well for you.
Posted via Mobile Device
Onmyway is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 05:20 PM   #3 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,134
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Tired Of It All View Post
Im going to make this short and to the point. I am 7 months or so into R.. H is doing good, no contact with OW. I have no reason to doubt that he has or will again for that matter.

But, it is me!! Why do I on some days feel I am in it 100%. Then the next thing I know I am asking myself--why are you here? Some days I feel great about trying to work it out and we are together. Then other days I question myself, I think NO this is to much, he cheated, thats to much for me to deal with. I dont want to be here, with him, near him, do I really want to try?

But then it all changes emotionally for me and I say to myself, Yeah you do, you love him, his trying, its getting better, he loves you.. etc..

Is it me, or is this on some level Normal for the BS to question it or feel diffrent from one day to the next?

Thanks
You are describing the roller coaster. All BS go through this. That's why it is said that it takes 2-5 years to get through R. You have to ride out the low points while keeping in mind that the high points are just around the bend. Think about this. Are you both doing better than you were 6 months ago? I would say you probably are. And that improvement will continue if you both keep working at it. If you are having trouble dealing with the anger and resentment there are many books on the subject that may be of help. Alternatively you can deal with it in IC. But it is normal. You just have to work through it.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 05:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5,628
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

My husband has been doing the same thing, not sure from one day to the next whether he's freaking out about my affair or totally happy and in love with me..we are 3 months into our R. Not sure when or if it stops.
Posted via Mobile Device
CantSitStill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 05:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 357
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Well I can honestly say, I feel better that my feeling are normal! Yes we are better now than we was 6 months ago. But thats what is getting to me I think. If it is better, then why do I want to run? I am having one of them moments right now. That lead me back to this site, I didnt know if my "gut" was trying to tell me somthing again.

I have been thru he** for along time, and yes it is better now. As with ever other BS I just got so much to work thru emotionally on my own. Some days I look at H and I can feel how much love I have for him, then I look at him and think do you really love him still really. Maybe its to much his done and I dont want to do this no more. So that leads to me thinking ok is this one of them "gut" feelings, maybe I should run..

Then it goes back to NO, you and him have been working hard and you both love one another its getting better... So yeah rollercoaster is the right word for it..

My H has no idea I have questioned or R, I never bring it up. WHY? Because I am not sure how I truley feel. And that scares me..

So, I did IC guess I need to go back huh? And you mentioned books what books would you reccomend?

I just dont want the rest of my life so unsure about my own happiness, if I leave will I become happy dunno? If I stay will I become happy dunno? Somedays I am, somedays I am not..

Dang A just destroys the BS, I never thout in my life I would be so utterly confused about my own dang happiness..

Thanks for your help
Just Tired Of It All is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 05:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,134
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Tired Of It All View Post
Well I can honestly say, I feel better that my feeling are normal! Yes we are better now than we was 6 months ago. But thats what is getting to me I think. If it is better, then why do I want to run? I am having one of them moments right now. That lead me back to this site, I didnt know if my "gut" was trying to tell me somthing again.

I have been thru he** for along time, and yes it is better now. As with ever other BS I just got so much to work thru emotionally on my own. Some days I look at H and I can feel how much love I have for him, then I look at him and think do you really love him still really. Maybe its to much his done and I dont want to do this no more. So that leads to me thinking ok is this one of them "gut" feelings, maybe I should run..

Then it goes back to NO, you and him have been working hard and you both love one another its getting better... So yeah rollercoaster is the right word for it..

My H has no idea I have questioned or R, I never bring it up. WHY? Because I am not sure how I truley feel. And that scares me..

So, I did IC guess I need to go back huh? And you mentioned books what books would you reccomend?

I just dont want the rest of my life so unsure about my own happiness, if I leave will I become happy dunno? If I stay will I become happy dunno? Somedays I am, somedays I am not..

Dang A just destroys the BS, I never thout in my life I would be so utterly confused about my own dang happiness..

Thanks for your help
If forgiveness is the primary issue then I would recommend How Can I Forgive You? by Janis Abrahms Spring. If there are still post affair issues I would recommend Surviving An Affair by William Harley and After The Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring. If its relationship issues then His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters are the best out there in my opinion. What is the most substantive issue that you are feeling that makes you want to give up?


Edit: I can tell you that it was around the 1 1/2 year mark when I started to feel like we were really going to make it. It does really take a while.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 05:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 567
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

You're not alone.

I change from hour to hour and I'm seven months into this hell. One moment I think I'll stay, the next I think there is now way I can stay with him. I do have financial issues and children to take into consideration, too.

Regardless, I feel my marriage has been fake (ten years I was kept in the dark), I don't feel like I really know him anymore, I have changed as a person and I fear I'll always have doubts.

Tough way to live.
hurtingbadly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 05:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,134
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by CantSitStill View Post
My husband has been doing the same thing, not sure from one day to the next whether he's freaking out about my affair or totally happy and in love with me..we are 3 months into our R. Not sure when or if it stops.
Posted via Mobile Device
CSS, has he left yet? Give Calvin a chance to work through this. Its the hardest thing he will ever do in his life.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 06:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 357
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beowulf View Post
If forgiveness is the primary issue then I would recommend How Can I Forgive You? by Janis Abrahms Spring. If there are still post affair issues I would recommend Surviving An Affair by William Harley and After The Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring. If its relationship issues then His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters are the best out there in my opinion. What is the most substantive issue that you are feeling that makes you want to give up?


Edit: I can tell you that it was around the 1 1/2 year mark when I started to feel like we were really going to make it. It does really take a while.
Well I am affraid that I dont love him like I used to. I want to be in love with him, and I somtimes just dont feel it. It has to do with the A, all the pain and humilliation he put me thru. He try so hard now, tells me he loves me daily, but that doesnt make up for the crap he put me thru.

He says he never loved OW. Only alway me. I am having a hard time beleiving him. The A bothers me DAILY. And I just think is this really what I want? Will I ever be in love like I was before his A. I want to be in love, I want to feel happy about my choice to be married to this man. I want to feel like we belong together. Like I did before his A. But I just dont think I do or ever will again. And that is really getting to me..
Just Tired Of It All is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 06:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5,628
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

1 and a half years?? Oh I still have hope we'll be ok.
Posted via Mobile Device
CantSitStill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 06:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 357
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtingbadly View Post
You're not alone.

I change from hour to hour and I'm seven months into this hell. One moment I think I'll stay, the next I think there is now way I can stay with him. I do have financial issues and children to take into consideration, too.

Regardless, I feel my marriage has been fake (ten years I was kept in the dark), I don't feel like I really know him anymore, I have changed as a person and I fear I'll always have doubts.

Tough way to live.
Yeah, I am going thru it to.. It is so hard.

But that the point,,,, "TOUGH WAY TO LIVE"

But Im not sure if running will make me happy or staying will make me happy.. Its feels like no matter what I do it will be the wrong choice. So how do you Know. For me if seems like I never really will.
Just Tired Of It All is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 06:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,134
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Tired Of It All View Post
Well I am affraid that I dont love him like I used to. I want to be in love with him, and I somtimes just dont feel it. It has to do with the A, all the pain and humilliation he put me thru. He try so hard now, tells me he loves me daily, but that doesnt make up for the crap he put me thru.

He says he never loved OW. Only alway me. I am having a hard time beleiving him. The A bothers me DAILY. And I just think is this really what I want? Will I ever be in love like I was before his A. I want to be in love, I want to feel happy about my choice to be married to this man. I want to feel like we belong together. Like I did before his A. But I just dont think I do or ever will again. And that is really getting to me..
First thing. You are never going to be the same. Your husband will never be the same. That's just a fact. But understand that its not a bad thing to burn off the innocence and embrace a mature loving relationship built on awareness and genuine love. Allow me to elaborate. Before Morrigan had her affair I never could imagine her hurting me like she did. And she never could have imagined she was capable of doing something that devastating to anyone let alone her husband. As time went on I began to see her in the light of reality and not through the rose colored glasses of innocence. I saw her as more mature, stronger, more aware of herself and what she was capable of. She was more beautiful to me than before because she had taken the adversity and channeled it into self improvement. I was also changed. I would never blindly trust ever again. I did not feel obligated to open my heart simply because we were married. I chose to trust her with my heart again. I chose to trust her to protect me from anything that could potentially harm me, including herself. Basically I let go of the anger and resentment and made a conscious decision to trust her. It was scary and it was difficult but it was also necessary. And for 20 years we have guarded each other's hearts vigorously.

You need to understand that resentment will block love. You have to find a way to forgive and release the resentment. I know its difficult but its necessary, not for him but for you.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 06:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,134
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by CantSitStill View Post
1 and a half years?? Oh I still have hope we'll be ok.
Posted via Mobile Device
If you want it to work it will. That's the only advice I can give. It gets better over time but you have to allow healing. Holding on to resentment and pain is a crutch. You think it is protecting you from further heartbreak but what it is really doing is holding you back from healing your heart.

It took me 1 1/2 years to feel completely comfortable but it was getting better gradually before that. At 1 1/2 years I had the epiphany that it was going to be ok.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 06:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,134
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Tired Of It All View Post
Yeah, I am going thru it to.. It is so hard.

But that the point,,,, "TOUGH WAY TO LIVE"

But Im not sure if running will make me happy or staying will make me happy.. Its feels like no matter what I do it will be the wrong choice. So how do you Know. For me if seems like I never really will.
You will have the same feelings regardless if you stay or leave. If you truly want to stay with your husband then reconcile and work it out with him. If not then divorce and work it out alone. Either way you will have to work it out.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2012, 11:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 357
Default Re: Question for those who have been there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beowulf View Post
You will have the same feelings regardless if you stay or leave. If you truly want to stay with your husband then reconcile and work it out with him. If not then divorce and work it out alone. Either way you will have to work it out.
Yeah.. Thats what it all comes down to and the reason I posted the question. I didn't really understand why I was bouncing back and forth about I love hime its going to be ok to run why are you even bothering..

But you made sense to me about the rollercoaster ride. It helps to know that this is all normal emotions for me at this point in R.

Thanks for your help, I appreciate it. Now I need to understand and try to focus my thouts away from the moments when it is lower. And try to remember that its OK, its part of healing. And as you said its only been 7 months and it takes at least up to 2 yrs for some of it to ease.

And your right, It wont ever be the same. I guess I need to just face that to. It was nice thou to have complete faith in my H for over 20 years. Guess it time to stop dwelling on the past and the if's and thing about a new yet exciting Love to blossom between us. The resentment.. oh boy do I need to let it go. I try I really do, but it just hurts. Maybe it will come in time to.. I hope so. Or it is ME who needs to work on letting it go..
Just Tired Of It All is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Question regarding sex after divorce (question geared towards men) typewittyusernamehere General Relationship Discussion 16 06-30-2012 11:30 AM
Question for the men oregonmom Coping with Infidelity 31 06-10-2012 12:14 PM
A question for men cinnamorollin General Relationship Discussion 16 11-26-2009 07:22 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:35 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage