I found out my husband of 7 years has been texting his assistant more than I would have liked to seen. They work alone togehter and he is the boss. I found 130 text messages in Jan. 90 text messages in Feb. Some of the text go back and forth the longest being 28 messages back and forth the next longest being 19 messages back and forth. Some of these are during business hours but the ones that bother me the most are very early before work (6:50 am - 8:30 am) along with her sending him some picture text too in the early hours inbetween these long text. There were some after work too but not as many of these because at this point hes at home and I'm sure that would have made me start wondering what was up. He also always deletes all of his messages before he would come home in the evening and when I asked him about this once he said it was b/c he liked to save memory on his phone and didn't like to keep old text in his phone. Recently some things happened that he lied to me about so I checked our phone bill online and thats when I found all these text I mentioned above. He tells me there just friends and that he had to keep this secret because he knew I would be so upset and wouldn't be able to handle it. He says that 95% of the messages are work and the other 5% is just friendly chit chat. He says the reason there are so many messages at once like the 28 messages back and forth (which all of these long ones are made in the early hours) that its all short answer short response so thats why there is so many he says the picture text are just funny picture jokes. He tries to make me feel like I'm crazy and jealous and that he couldn't tell me for fear of how I'm acting now. **Also the whole reason I looked at the phone bill was because he lied to me about going and seeing a female client (no reason to lie about this) and also when I found a few text w/ another woman while looking at the phone bill he admited that she was in a social club with him and they had did philanthropy work alone once which he said they somewhat flirted ( I dont really find these situations to be as alarming as I'm more concerned with the multitude of text with the coworker) This Co worker has also made rude comments to me in the past which never set well with me and he also talked with her about our fights early in our marriage.What is everyones take on this behavior?
Sorry, but it's the behavior of someone hiding things from you, and clearly he has inappropriate dealings with other women. Also, if he's discussing your marital details with another woman, he's at least in an emotional affair, quite possibly physical since they're alone at work all the time.
What kind of phone does he have? If it's an iPhone you can recover his recent texts (deleted or not) from the computer he syncs with - there's a backup file. (there are ways with other phones too) Then you can see exactly what they've been texting and make up your mind based on the truth.
Definitely red flag behavior, the people here will give you lots of good advice...
Patsy, I could have written what you wrote, 4.5 years ago.
The tip-off: he kept it secret and lied to you.
This is not innocent at all. He is creating a separate fantasy relationship with her via texting and possibly other means, and he's shutting you out.
I found the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass to be very helpful in explaining how an emotional affair starts--often innocently and quickly slipping into a deep infatuation where they exchange I love you's. From there, if it hasn't started already, a physical affair is not very far behind.
PLEASE READ the information AR sent you, it was compiled with a lot of energy and time and effort. There aren't any shortcuts to this, you must now educate yourself on how EAs work. They are escapist fantasies and are very hard to break. You are not just going to snap him out of this and you need all the advice you can get.
I didn't have that advice. My husband's EA kept going on even after I discovered it for another THREE YEARS. I didn't know anything about this forum or the standard advice given here.
I would not confront him further right now. What happens to almost everyone is they discover their spouse has been lying, and they make a big show of anger and pain (like you see in the movies). This does not force a person in an EA to suddenly back down and beg for the marriage. They are having too much fun at this stage and they're not giving you much thought at all.
You need to collect more evidence, such as credit card receipts and possibly emails. You need to save everything you've found and store it away so it can't be found and destroyed.
If you can find a way to read the texts between them, that would give you the insight you need right there. Is his phone passworded?
He tells me there just friends and that he had to keep this secret because he knew I would be so upset and wouldn't be able to handle it.
Every cheater says that when caught. Every single one of them. That statement is one of the most disrespectful statements a spouse can say to you. The fact is, if you are doing something with a person of the opposite sex that you know would make your spouse "so upset" that they "would't be able to handle it", then you should not be doing it period. In this case he and the other women ("OW") are on the inside with a secret that they both keep from you, and you are on the outside. something is very wrong here. You may have only seen the tip of the iceberg.
At a minimum you must demand full transparency going forward. Ideally he must ask her to look for work elsewhere so that he can go full no contact.
He tries to make me feel like I'm crazy and jealous and that he couldn't tell me for fear of how I'm acting now.
I agree with everyone else about him lying about the relationship with the co-worker. Her being rude to you is a tip-off, too, as loyal spouses will not consider someone who is rude their spouse as a friend to text with.
To me, the bolded part of your post above is the most telling. Even if all was innocent, certainly he can see why you might think otherwise. Given what you've posted, any normal person would agree that you have a right to be concerned about what is going on. For him to act like you're crazy to be concerned shows he is just trying to deflect your suspicions by making you feel that you're being unreasonable.
Ask him not to delete any more texts and to show you all of them until you feel comfortable with the situation.
After I caught him with all of this he put a lock on his phone and changed all of the passwords including our phone bill password. Told me he didn't want to have to live like a criminal walking on egg shells with me. We are now going thru a divorce and he still denys everything. He offered to move from this area and start anew or go to counseling. But I can't get over the fact that if nothing was happening why would he need to move ... plus he says alot of things that really make me think he did ... like admitting to it without admitting. He swears up and down he was never physical but I think if anything definitely an EA was going on and in my gut I believe a PA too. He has admitted he didn't feel appreciated or like he could tell me things about his day. He also told me that he felt sexually inadequate to me. It really hurts to know I wasn't good enough to know there was an issue and now our marriage is going to be over. If we moved from this area I would always wonder when is he starting up this new EA w/ someone new. I feel like he has really low self esteem and needs woman to build his ego up ... and need more than just one. I feel like I deserve someone who has more respect for me and our marriage. I'm just very hurt because I never knew he was like this or had all of these emotional problems.
I feel like he has really low self esteem and needs woman to build his ego up ... and need more than just one. I feel like I deserve someone who has more respect for me and our marriage. I'm just very hurt because I never knew he was like this or had all of these emotional problems.
I know this is likely the worst pain you've ever felt. But the truth is, and I've seen it here on the forum reading through old threads; some spouses are bottomless pits of neediness. Their loyal wife or husband cannot be the prop to their self esteem. These people are very, very broken.
Someone that damaged may never be fixed.
Do not blame yourself for his choices. As you correctly perceive, it was never about that particular assistant or anyone else. He enjoys fantasy relationships, where he is held up on a pedestal, receives no criticism, and the harsh reality of every day life cannot shine in and dissolve the dream. He really is to be pitied. Although he had the facade of being adored, it was not for his true self. His "relationship" was nothing more than a bubble just waiting to be popped.
I am glad you were strong enough to see what was within your power to change, and what was not. My heart goes out to you.
After I caught him with all of this he put a lock on his phone and changed all of the passwords including our phone bill password. Told me he didn't want to have to live like a criminal walking on egg shells with me.
Ummm, yyyeah. Doesn't want to live like a criminal so he does all the things a criminal would do to cover their tracks. That is the most pathetic cheater logic I've ever heard. Did you say "you wouldn't have to walk on eggshells if you weren't hiding things from me and then trying to make me feel like I'M the one that's done something wrong?"
You're better off without him. Don't even give him the satisfaction of trying to get him back, you can't do that...only he can and he clearly is in la la land. Sorry for the loss of your marriage, but your stbxh has turned into a real piece of work. Make sure to get a good lawyer and make him pay every penny he owes in support.
If for some reason you decide to give him another chance (even though he's lying to you and then hiding the evidence when he gets caught)...don't do MC until you get transparency. Don't even tell him how much you know, just that you won't waste time on counseling while he's still hiding a relationship and lying to you about it. The phone pw comes off, every other pw is free and open and he tells you alllll about the "friend" he's sending "funny joke pics" to...mm hmmm...oh and I mean the real story. Either get a hold of those deleted texts, you can even demand a polygraph if you have to.