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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-28-2012, 07:08 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

Girls night out takes down yet another marriage. Where do people get the idea their spouse can go out drinking and not act like other drunk people? It boggles the mind.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:12 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

DO NOT GO TO THE BAR TO CONFRONT OM!!!!

That will be a waste of time as he has already been warned that you may call or contact him.

DO NOT CONFRONT ANYONE UNTIL YOU HAVE PROOF!!!

Everyone here is sure she is in an affair but you really have no proof. The only thing you can prove is that your wife is an idiot who likes to go out and get drunk.

Slow down on the urge to confront. You need proof that they are spending time together outside of the bar. I would say have a friend follow her or GPS her car. You are too emotional and would probably do something stupid and get arrested if you did find them together.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:29 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

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Originally Posted by chapparal View Post
Girls night out takes down yet another marriage. Where do people get the idea their spouse can go out drinking and not act like other drunk people? It boggles the mind.


Playing with gasoline and matches and then act dumb founded when it blows up in their faces.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:34 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

You know, I think the wives who are ripe for an affair LOOK for GNOs. It seems the women who very regularly do this are in a life they don't want (marriage), so they behave as if they are in another one (single), and eventually find a guy.

Very occasional GNOs are fine - but when they become regular it's a disaster waiting to happen. If my W started going into that pattern, I would be start making preparations for D.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:39 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

While a lot of these messages were coming out for me not to go confront the guy, I was already on my way...I talked to him and he denied everything at first...I asked him if they talked outside of the bar and he said no, then said well we text every now and then...then I asked if she had been to his house and he said no, then it changed to once with her girlfriend...when I kept telling him that she had told me she had been to his house more than that he finally admitted that one time she came with her girlfriend and then her girlfriend left and she stayed. I asked how long she stayed and he said about as long as it took to watch a movie. I had already even said the name of the movie and he couldn't remember the movie when I asked him again after he admitted to it, and said "Fred?"...then I said no, you watched "Red" and he goes "oh yeah, the one with Bruce Willis". Up to this point, he lied about every single thing and I realized it was a completely useless visit, but then said about 3-4 times in a row that I shouldn't leave her and that there is nothing to worry about. He also said "she didn't do anything wrong, well ok she lied to you, but she didn't do anything worth getting a divorce over". I'm not sure if the reason he said this was because nothing really happened or because he really is just using her for sex and doesn't really like her. If I broke the marriage up, perhaps that scares him and makes him realize he would be done with her? I'm trying to be devil's advocate and assume the 2nd part is the truth, because otherwise I don't get why he would say that. If he honestly was a good guy that was just her friend why not just be honest. The fact that he didn't want to admit to anything at first does make me think he hasn't talked to my wife since I found out or you'd think he would have had some of the story matching, so I don't know if him lying might actually be somewhat good or not. If it truly was a friendship, I don't understand why he'd be worried at all to just be honest from the start either though.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:40 PM   #51 (permalink)
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It also sucks cuz when we have good nights this past week and I don't get upset, we have really good nights. She also says I love you still and things actually seem to be improving as long as I don't bring all this back up. But then when she didn't want to come home tonight I got all upset again and although I feel it's warranted, if I go to the bar to confront him and find out nothing but suspect he's lying from how he says it, then all I've done is ruined any chance with my wife that she isn't lying. I know there isn't really 1 sign pointing to her not cheating, and it's foolish for me to think that, but isn't there at least a chance that she was just down about our marriage and he gave her something other than sex that made her feel good about herself. But deep down she knew it was wrong so she couldn't tell me since she wanted to keep doing it. Sure, it probably would have resulted in an affair but maybe it didn't and I'm just worried if I go to this stalker status and get caught then I've lost all her trust as well and at that point, I would agree, whats the point of being married if you have to go to that level?
I'm just pointing this out, the worst part about my wife's affair wasn't the sex part, that was like number 3 on the list. The emotional aspect is much worse, her telling him that she loved him hurt much worse than hearing about the handjob she gave him. Her having sex with him was nothing like hearing about how she chased him.

And worse than either of those is that she lied to me in so many ways to cover herself. The sex hurt my ego, the lies and emotional aspect destroyed it.

Not having sex doesn't mean it's not an affair.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:42 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

I think that a GNO that is nothing more than some married ladies getting together for dinner or going to a movie or going to a special event can be fine and even good for the marriage.

But when a married woman starts hanging out with single girls and they are going to bars and clubs it is a ticket to disaster. It may not even be that the wife has any intention of doing anything inappropriate. But in that environment, she will get approached by men. She might even be surprised that she LIKES the attention and craves more. It's all downhill from there.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:47 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

H,

Big mistake on confronting the OM. Why would you even considering believing someone who took your wife to his house? Seriously do you believe they only watched a movie? C'mon.

When was the last time you had sex with her?
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:48 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by help_me_2001 View Post
While a lot of these messages were coming out for me not to go confront the guy, I was already on my way...I talked to him and he denied everything at first...I asked him if they talked outside of the bar and he said no, then said well we text every now and then...then I asked if she had been to his house and he said no, then it changed to once with her girlfriend...when I kept telling him that she had told me she had been to his house more than that he finally admitted that one time she came with her girlfriend and then her girlfriend left and she stayed. I asked how long she stayed and he said about as long as it took to watch a movie. I had already even said the name of the movie and he couldn't remember the movie when I asked him again after he admitted to it, and said "Fred?"...then I said no, you watched "Red" and he goes "oh yeah, the one with Bruce Willis". Up to this point, he lied about every single thing and I realized it was a completely useless visit, but then said about 3-4 times in a row that I shouldn't leave her and that there is nothing to worry about. He also said "she didn't do anything wrong, well ok she lied to you, but she didn't do anything worth getting a divorce over". I'm not sure if the reason he said this was because nothing really happened or because he really is just using her for sex and doesn't really like her. If I broke the marriage up, perhaps that scares him and makes him realize he would be done with her? I'm trying to be devil's advocate and assume the 2nd part is the truth, because otherwise I don't get why he would say that. If he honestly was a good guy that was just her friend why not just be honest. The fact that he didn't want to admit to anything at first does make me think he hasn't talked to my wife since I found out or you'd think he would have had some of the story matching, so I don't know if him lying might actually be somewhat good or not. If it truly was a friendship, I don't understand why he'd be worried at all to just be honest from the start either though.
OK you screwed up. Everyone tried to tell you he had been prepared by your wife and her toxic GF. Why would you confront a lying creep and expect anything other than lies. And just in case you don't realize it, that line that she hadn't done anything to get a divorce over was exactly what she told him to say.

Edit: Where is that damn banging your head against a brick wall emoticon?
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:51 PM   #55 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by help_me_2001 View Post
While a lot of these messages were coming out for me not to go confront the guy, I was already on my way...I talked to him and he denied everything at first...I asked him if they talked outside of the bar and he said no, then said well we text every now and then...then I asked if she had been to his house and he said no, then it changed to once with her girlfriend...when I kept telling him that she had told me she had been to his house more than that he finally admitted that one time she came with her girlfriend and then her girlfriend left and she stayed. I asked how long she stayed and he said about as long as it took to watch a movie. I had already even said the name of the movie and he couldn't remember the movie when I asked him again after he admitted to it, and said "Fred?"...then I said no, you watched "Red" and he goes "oh yeah, the one with Bruce Willis". Up to this point, he lied about every single thing and I realized it was a completely useless visit, but then said about 3-4 times in a row that I shouldn't leave her and that there is nothing to worry about. He also said "she didn't do anything wrong, well ok she lied to you, but she didn't do anything worth getting a divorce over". I'm not sure if the reason he said this was because nothing really happened or because he really is just using her for sex and doesn't really like her. If I broke the marriage up, perhaps that scares him and makes him realize he would be done with her? I'm trying to be devil's advocate and assume the 2nd part is the truth, because otherwise I don't get why he would say that. If he honestly was a good guy that was just her friend why not just be honest. The fact that he didn't want to admit to anything at first does make me think he hasn't talked to my wife since I found out or you'd think he would have had some of the story matching, so I don't know if him lying might actually be somewhat good or not. If it truly was a friendship, I don't understand why he'd be worried at all to just be honest from the start either though.
Did you leave him with the impression he was on dangerous ground?
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:52 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:53 PM   #57 (permalink)
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Not necessarily. If I had talked to the bartender,he would have been in fear of his life.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:54 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Thanks
Chappy I think it was provided because I asked in the previous post. Not a response to yours.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:56 PM   #59 (permalink)
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Not necessarily. If I had talked to the bartender,he would have been in fear of his life.
Yea but the OP is too beta. He can't even say NO to his wife for going out until early morning. I bet once she finds out he visited the OM she'll be busting his balls.
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Old 04-28-2012, 07:57 PM   #60 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

As long as you keep giving your wife the money to go to his bar and get the tips and any other benifits, he will tell you what ever you wnat to hear.

face it bro they synced there story's the idiot messed up the name of the movie. You are getting played, until you shut up cool off and go stealth they all are one step ahead of you.

Sorry but you need to do some damage control and lie your @ss off to your WW. Tell WW you talk to the OM and the stories match and apoligize for doubting her (btw she already knows you two talked) any way this is a dead end.

From now on its a dead end its all a dead end you are on to her and she knows how close you are and she will lay low. What really f^cked is no matter how fragile the marriage is right now she will go out, but she will lay low.

Settle the f^ck down and if you want the truth you to will lay low and give her enough rope to hang her self.

Or


You except this behavior as unexceptable and you get a lawyer on Monday and have her served. It will then be up to your WW to change and with draw the divorce before its finalized and continue with the divorce as she continue to screw up her marriage.


Dude your are so affraid and continue to doubt everything, only to make misstake after misstake instead of cooling your jets and going stealth and finding the truth in a calm and collected way.

Make a plan and work the plan. In doing this you need to breath step back and regroup.
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