She blames you b/c you have no solid proof to back your stance or validate your position.
Once you have a smoking gun her tune will change.
Or
Once you have her served D-papers her tune will change....what sucks is with out proof she wil make you out to be a controlling H that won't let her have friends and will divorce her.
She has already used the controlling card on you and you folded like a cheap tent.
You tell her, you will muster the courage sooner or later, that she is free to do anything she wants but you are also just as free to divorce her and find an honest, loving, wife. Tell her she can go be free and be the town bicycle as long as the lowlifes she hangs out with want her.
She has already used the controlling card on you and you folded like a cheap tent.
You tell her, you will muster the courage sooner or later, that she is free to do anything she wants but you are also just as free to divorce her and find an honest, loving, wife. Tell her she can go be free and be the town bicycle as long as the lowlifes she hangs out with want her.
We all know why she will not be answering your text tonight. She will be too busy with OM to bother with her doormat husband who will be waiting at home no matter what she does to disrespect and betray him.
Divorce her. Enough is enough. Honestly, even without an affair, her behavior is enough grounds for any self respecting man to divorce her.
Originally Posted by marduk
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.
A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.
Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:
1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.
2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.
3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.
4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…
5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.
6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.
7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.
8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.
9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.
10.Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.
11.Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.
So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.
You are in effect saying that unless he has proof of her having sex with the other man (OM) her actions to date are acceptable and should be allowed to continue. They are not. Her current actions are out of line for a married woman and are reason to take action in and of themselves. Waiting for proof of cheating is also waiting until it is too late to save the marriage. What if he would like to try to save his marraige before she crosses the line of no return and not after? The fact that he has no proof of her having sex with the OM may mean that she has not done it yet. If she has not, she is certainly heading there, and the sooner he takes action to stop it the better.
Why do so many posters seem to want to have after the fact proof that their marraige is over before taking action, when taking action and stopping inappropriate behavior early is the only way to have a chance at saving a marraige?
I agree that her actions are way out of line and most men would not stand for it. I was just trying to get him to realize that confronting OM or her without proof of an affair is a waste of time and will change nothing. It seems he is going to be her doormat until he has some kind of proof and kept saying "should I confront her", "should I confront him". I was just trying to make him understand that it was pointless to confront without some solid evidence.
While a lot of these messages were coming out for me not to go confront the guy, I was already on my way...
I think the K.I.S.S. principle tells us that the best strategy for you personally is simply to go to an attorney and get the divorce wheels turning. Don't stop until you're single.
Dude, I would bet a couple of grand that she is cheating and lying. She already told the guy not to tell you anything but it looks like they haven't discussed the specifics. Don't fall for it. Here is what you do.
When she comes tomorrow, take her cell and hide it. Tell her that you are going to get the data recovered from it through a software program. She can come clean in the mean time.
Call a Verizon representative and talk to them on how to get back the messages.
Login to her facebook and retrieve all her messages she sent as zip(Even deleted ones I think)
Google her model phone and see if you can find any software that can retrieve the messages from that phone model.
You need to act fast. Don't even give her a chance. Your wife's story followed the cheater's script to the T.
yeah, I think you are all right. I did tell her if she didn't come home right away that we were done. That was an hour and a half ago, and I agree, I know where she is going tonight. Even if she does come home I know she's going to that bar to see him. A part of me wants to go and wait in the parking lot to see when she goes there, and another part of me has realized that wont' change anything other than allow me to know I left a woman who was already cheating on me. I don't think I need the proof anymore. And I know an earlier response said the hardest part wasn't that she was having sex, but knowing she loved the other guy. I agree, I honestly think the sex part is hard enough and not sure if I'd leave her over it or not, but knowing she doesn't care one bit about stopping and being in our family even within a week of me finding everything out. It just proves how much she needs him and this new lifestyle she has. I wish her well when she asks her new guy that will laugh in her face when she asks him if she and her 2 kids could move in with him. I'm going to step up and pack her bags tonight, and this is my house and my family now. Thanks to everyone for the honesty no matter how brutal it sounded, I always thought it would be so easy to leave someone who cheated on me, but turns out its so much harder than it should be.
yeah, I think you are all right. I did tell her if she didn't come home right away that we were done. That was an hour and a half ago, and I agree, I know where she is going tonight. Even if she does come home I know she's going to that bar to see him. A part of me wants to go and wait in the parking lot to see when she goes there, and another part of me has realized that wont' change anything other than allow me to know I left a woman who was already cheating on me. I don't think I need the proof anymore. And I know an earlier response said the hardest part wasn't that she was having sex, but knowing she loved the other guy. I agree, I honestly think the sex part is hard enough and not sure if I'd leave her over it or not, but knowing she doesn't care one bit about stopping and being in our family even within a week of me finding everything out. It just proves how much she needs him and this new lifestyle she has. I wish her well when she asks her new guy that will laugh in her face when she asks him if she and her 2 kids could move in with him. I'm going to step up and pack her bags tonight, and this is my house and my family now. Thanks to everyone for the honesty no matter how brutal it sounded, I always thought it would be so easy to leave someone who cheated on me, but turns out its so much harder than it should be.
Not just go to the bar to see him. See will be spending the night with him.
Congrats on locating your balls. Hold on to them.
If you own the house together you cannot legally lock her out - so be careful there. If her name is on the deed or the mortgage, talk to a lawyer first. But there is nothing that says you cannot pack her stuff and put it outside the door.
And yes it is hard to realize that the person you spent the last 7 years loving and building a life with is ready to toss all that in the trash for some a-hole.
One question though - you said "her kids" above. Are they your children or her from another relationship?
Stay strong and move forward to make a better life for yourself and the kids.
No, they are our kids. I just know she will try to keep them as well, but trust me I will fight for our kids until the very end. They are my entire world and always will be.
Put the kids in the car, drive to the bar and walk in and tell her that you and the kids want her to come home, in a loud voice for everyone to hear, including the bartender.
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Re: Need advice for how to approach wife 
Re: Need advice for how to approach wife 
