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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-29-2012, 01:22 PM   #106 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
And do not let her back in that house the first time she comes back groveling and crying. Remember she has become a master manipulator and is playing you even now. . . do not let her back home until she has done some heavy work to earn the right to do so.
This.

You only have so many ways of popping her bubble and forcing her to acknowledge reality.

You have to make your choices carefully and without emotion.

It is no different than dealing with children. You don't want to be the one with the whining tantrum throwing toddler, where you manage to get all the way through the checkout line without buying candy, and then you stop at the gumball machine on the way out the door.

She has to work for the marriage now. She cast it aside like a dirty rag, like a used [fill in the blank]. She has to demonstrate that she fully comprehends what she has done, not just cry because she got caught with her pants down.

ACTIONS, NOT WORDS.
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Old 04-29-2012, 02:47 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

Sorry bro, it aint over.
Now that the reality thet you are no longer tolorating her crap, you will get the begging and the pleading. If I can be so bold as to repeat the other post......

ACTIONS, NOT WORDS.


Her consequences the next few months will hopefully clear her fog so that she can at least be a decent mom.

So file, and get the cusdoty in order, it important that there is some sort of moral clause set up by your lawyer that will prevent her current life style indangering the kids.

Hopefull WW sees the bottom of the barrel and turns her current behavior around for the sake of the kids, often and saddly enough WW's sink them selves deeper into there self destruction.

You next step is all about the kids and from here on out its all about NC the OM &TC (toxic friends) and behavior that fits a healthy mother. So stay focused and there is a degree of behavioral treats that she needs to exhibit before you can reconize a change that will dictate the course of you current path.

In short don't get soft, but identify what you want from her and stick to this point. Also identify a time line and stick to it. MAKE A PLAN AND WORK THE PLAN.

You stay the course it is now up to her to change this course you have set for your self. Becarefull she'll try to trick you! Her enrollment to IC is a good step but only if it comes from her, if she agrees to NC then validate it.

Sorry for the spelling and the long novel, it just hits so close to home and its something I should have done 13 years ago, instead of slapping my fWW around and letting her continue with her 2nd life style.

You did good, I wish I had this site so many years ago.

Now your research and investigation is all about if WW can be trusted with the kids....validating a change that tells you what your next step is with regards to the kids. Its not over...sorry.

Last edited by the guy; 04-29-2012 at 02:54 PM.
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Old 04-29-2012, 05:14 PM   #108 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

Even if there was no sex, the fact that she has been in an intense EA that she valued more than her marriage to you, clearly shows that she does not care about you despite efforts on your part to give her a chance to recommit to the marriage.

You may love the woman with all your heart but if there is no trust or respect, there is no marriage just a legal piece of paper.
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Old 04-29-2012, 05:55 PM   #109 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

Have you been given this book list yet

Married Men Sex Life +blog

Love Busters

His Needs Her Needs

Five Love Languages

You need to read all of these if you continue your relationship with your wife or any other woman. Rarely does a satisfied woman wander but it does happen..........rarely.
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Old 04-29-2012, 07:15 PM   #110 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

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Have you been given this book list yet

Married Men Sex Life +blog

Love Busters

His Needs Her Needs

Five Love Languages

You need to read all of these if you continue your relationship with your wife or any other woman. Rarely does a satisfied woman wander but it does happen..........rarely.
This is the carrot, the reason why she should come back to the marriage.

But the carrot is only offered on certain conditions that MUST be met:

full transparency (all passwords, accounts, phones, computers open to you)

no contact with the OM, starting with a handwritten letter of no contact that you deliver certified mail

I strongly recommend that you tell someone she respects, her parents for example, what has happened, not the details, just explain that she has cheated on you--they are your ally in holding her accountable

---------------

I will add one caveat to chap's point about a satisfied woman (btw, I am a woman). I suppose it's true for mentally healthy, normal average women.

But there are some women who are tremendously needy. They roam the world seeking validation of their sexual attractiveness, and because they can never get ENOUGH validation from one person, they continue to seek it with multiple men. If a woman is like this, it's because she has serious self-esteem issues and needs serious counseling. There's no guarantee that she will be "fixed" or that she'll believe that she's loveable if she's just with one man. In that case, no amount of working on yourself, or the marriage, will help her.

That's why good counseling is important. The trouble is, some counselors believe that the affair is caused by the marraige. A bad marriage can open up vulnerability to an affair, but it is NEVER the cause of the supremely selfish choice to cheat. Other counselors just ask if the affair is over, and then ask the spouses to discuss the problems in their marriage. But they don't hold the cheating spouse accountable for the gaping wound in the loyal spouse's heart. So the key is to find a counselor trained in infidelity.
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Old 04-29-2012, 07:50 PM   #111 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

morituri- you brought some ggod point I would like to add. Just like in shamwows case, the already fragile marriage is once again stepped on by the wayward.

Its one thing to be called out as a wayward and to do the work at that moment. But it is totaly different when called out as the way ward and still the waywards dismisses the marriage and takes that final step of I was caught and I will continue.

This happened with sean and his WW when he confronted at the hotel with the kids and his WW choose the OM even with the kids in the parking lot.

Since I have no experience with this kind of slap in the face I get side ways. In my case it was a drop to the floor...drop OM... kill my self ...I'll do anything kind of moment for my fWW.

In this case its a degree of disrespect that tells OP that "ya you know or are on to me but I will do "it" again".

M-
I see your point, as bad as I want to believe and stand by a pro marriage view... I have become optimistic after 3,000 post and years in this community that there is a point were the wayward has just left the marriage, and the betrayed should just let the wayward go.

I have seen this in several threads and it is just how some spouse are versus how some spouses want to be. The ones that want, change and stop, the ones that continue to betray even after a monumental confrontation just might not be worth the effort.
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:43 PM   #112 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice for how to approach wife

the_guy,

Everybody knows that I am of the "an affair is a deal breaker" camp but nevertheless I respect the fact that there are folks who are of the "an affair is not a deal breaker" camp. I also believe that for this camp, if respect from a wayward spouse to his/her betrayed spouse does not show up immediately upon discovery of his/her affair, that the odds of saving the marriage are slim to none. When that happens, the only options available to a betrayed are: 1) Stay in limbo hoping things will get better or 2) Detonate the nuclear option, divorce to protect him/herself emotionally, physically and financially.

My concern is that too many of us are pushing option 2) with a zeal even when the betrayed and wayward want to try to recover. This is not good for we may end up becoming unwitting saboteurs of their attempts to recover. I am also concerned that we are not pushing enough IC for betrayed spouses with a professional therapist with experience in helping victims of infidelity and PTSD. No matter what happens to the marriage, a betrayed has to recover or face a future with anger and bitterness poisoning their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

The OP needs to emotionally detach via the Just Let Them Go and The 180 degree rules in order to move on with his life, with or without his wife.
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Old 04-29-2012, 10:09 PM   #113 (permalink)
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My concern is that too many of us are pushing option 2) with a zeal even when the betrayed and wayward want to try to recover. This is not good for we may end up becoming unwitting saboteurs of their attempts to recover. I am also concerned that we are not pushing enough IC for betrayed spouses with a professional therapist with experience in helping victims of infidelity and PTSD. No matter what happens to the marriage, a betrayed has to recover or face a future with anger and bitterness poisoning their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

The OP needs to emotionally detach via the Just Let Them Go and The 180 degree rules in order to move on with his life, with or without his wife.
Morituri, I hear you, but I also think that BS so often need a real dose of wake up medicine so that they don't put themselves through hope and dream mode waiting to WS that have truly left the marriage.

I agree that if a WS doesn't feel shocked at being found out, there isn't a lot of hope. They are just too entrench is the affair. How any stories have played out here over the long haul where sometimes for years the BS wastes their life waiting for the WS to stop cheating and return, yet the dont. They have no motivation to stop.

Standing up to the WS and refusing to be the third person in a relationship doesn't always end the affair, but it does leave. The BS in a much healthier place and not wasting away their life waiting.
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