I am so angry and hurt right now. For those of you who don't know my story...my husband had a brief PA/EA. It lasted 10 days, I found out, he stopped and things have been really good.
So yesterday he had to go out of town, overnight, for a work-related meeting. I wasn't worried about him going. We talked and texted. It was no big deal.
While he was gone, I checked the history on his computer. I really had no doubts, just happened to look. I haven't done this in months. As I anticipated, I found nothing out of the norm on there.
I forgot to close one of the things I was checking. He looked at it when he got home and got mad that I was checking his history.
Should I be worried? He's seriously has given me no reason to doubt him since it happened. Of course, I will never fully trust him again, but there will always be that doubt.
I am so hurt and angry that he is upset that I checked it.
Thanks for listening everyone. I really needed to vent.
He's lucky that you trust him enough to have not checked for months. Perhaps he was getting used to you not checking and took it for granted, start checking up in front of him more often, just to drive the point home. Posted via Mobile Device
I didn't read your story so I don't know how long ago this happened. He should not have gotten upset that you checked. If he had nothing to hide why would he be upset if he is totally committed to the marriage now?
Drop a key logger on the computer. Don't tell him. Act as if nothing is wrong. Just tell him that it just hit you to check and you did and found nothing.
Give it a couple of week then check the key logger. Better yet wait until his next trip, then check it.
His reaction could be explained away that he has been doing his best and he thinks you should be more trusting by now. He has to understand that it is going to be a looooooooooong time before that happens, if ever.
Also, his reaction could mean that he does have something to hide.
I can totally relate to you KK. My W had an EA about a year ago. She wavers from thinking it's fine for me to check up on all her stuff, to feeling violated. It's frustrating. And she's been a good girl since DDay too, just like your H. They feel that they should be "rewarded" for good behavior by having us stop the surveillance.
Thing is, we, as BSs can't control when we are done having the need to check.
In my case now, I have the best of both worlds, however. My W, in one of her "I hate feeling smothered" moments, changed her FB and email passwords. But I figured out what they are.
So I can check whenever I want, and she can go on thinking I'm not. Win-win. And she's still been a good girl. Sh*t will hit that fan if that changes, for a whole host of reasons.
I don't know what to say though. You'll never convince him to allow you to check up on him - it's a core value thing. He'll always hate it, and resent you for checking, thinking he's earned his get-out-of-jail-free card. It's a maddening situation. He thinks you're still punishing him. I wish I had the magic conversation or phrase that fixes this issue, maybe the right MC will.
My husband was the same way, at first. I just blew up each time, saying, if you think me checking up on you is even in the same universe as what you did, there is no way we can recommit to this marriage.
He got used to it after a while. It still bothers him. He said it makes him feel that I think he is untrustworthy. (Yeah, you think???)
But what worked, what got through to him, was me explaining that this was a way to calm my anxiety. That my brain sometimes worked overtime imagining things that weren't there. That checking up on him was ME proving to MYSELF that it had ended.
I just finally got to the point of not checking his cell phone records daily, and we are 70 days into R. But that's just because it isn't popping into my mind. If something does remind me though, like this thread...
But if after saying these two things (1. BACK OFF, BUDDY!! I'm not the one who cheated; and 2. it calms my anxiety and proves your loyalty to me) and he is still obnoxious about it, I would flat out tell him that the way he was acting was suspicious and triggering alarm bells in me, and he better figure out real quick how to take it back down from Def Con Five.
I can totally relate to you KK. My W had an EA about a year ago. She wavers from thinking it's fine for me to check up on all her stuff, to feeling violated. It's frustrating. And she's been a good girl since DDay too, just like your H. They feel that they should be "rewarded" for good behavior by having us stop the surveillance.
Thing is, we, as BSs can't control when we are done having the need to check.
In my case now, I have the best of both worlds, however. My W, in one of her "I hate feeling smothered" moments, changed her FB and email passwords. But I figured out what they are.
So I can check whenever I want, and she can go on thinking I'm not. Win-win. And she's still been a good girl. Sh*t will hit that fan if that changes, for a whole host of reasons.
I don't know what to say though. You'll never convince him to allow you to check up on him - it's a core value thing. He'll always hate it, and resent you for checking, thinking he's earned his get-out-of-jail-free card. It's a maddening situation. He thinks you're still punishing him. I wish I had the magic conversation or phrase that fixes this issue, maybe the right MC will.
That sounds like a really passive, non-healthy thing to do. I think you need to sack up and have the conversation with her that you are avoiding. If she doesn't like transparency, there's a reason why. Especially after an affair. It should be open book with no strings attached for both parties. The reluctance to transparency should be a huge deal breaker.
Being remorseful means willing to be transparent for the BS to feel safe and secure. He should know that trust isn't rebuilt overnight. Trust takes a long time to build and only moments to destroy. If he gets angry about you checking on him, I would be questioning his commitment to R. He should be doing everything he can to help you heal. He should WELCOME you checking on him. It smacks of rugsweeping.
One trigger for me was that I found out that she was on the phone with him constantly, even walking into the house on the phone with him but pretending to talk to a female friend. My fWW knows how this upsets me. So now when she's on the phone when she comes home, she has it on speakerphone so I know who she's talking to. The thing is, I NEVER asked or told her to do that. Never even suggested it. She does it on her own because she wants me to feel secure and help rebuild that trust.
He needs to just understand that you will check up on him whenever you want. He doesn't have your full trust because he chose to trash that when he chose the affair. So he be better just get used to the fact that trust but verify is part of his life. Posted via Mobile Device
For some people, their spouse looking at their computer history and accounts is a big deal. I am suspicious that those people are trying to hide something.
If he is not hiding anything, why would he care? Because it shows a lack of trust from you? He worked hard to earn that lack of trust and he will have to work hard to get you to trust him again.
Let him know that him questioning your lack of trust makes you trust him even less.
That sounds like a really passive, non-healthy thing to do. I think you need to sack up and have the conversation with her that you are avoiding. If she doesn't like transparency, there's a reason why. Especially after an affair. It should be open book with no strings attached for both parties. The reluctance to transparency should be a huge deal breaker.
Sure, it's passive. I agree. But believe me, we've been through this argument many times, just as the OP has. Some people just hate being monitored or controlled. There comes a point where you get to an impasse on the issue. My W's point early on in our R was, there are always ways to contact people, etc, or hide things, even if the usual channels are being watched. She wanted to get to a point where she had no desire to reach out, no temptation. She says she has reached that point. I will make sure. And if she hasn't, the marriage is over anyway.
So, OP, asking your H to explain why he is angry about this is pointless. He'll just say he's mad he hasn't earned your trust back yet, and he doesnt feel like he deserves to be treated like a prisoner. You might get him to relent, but he'll hate you for it. It's really a tough issue.
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SOOOO ANGRY and HURT!!!! 
