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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-30-2012, 02:40 PM   #166 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by countryboy View Post
its set up to click and send at this point. i just want to wrap up the discussion tonight. based on the outcome, i will press send or not. i don't want the talk to be about anything else than the topic at hand. i know if i send it it will muddy the waters of our discussion. am i a fool for playing it this way?
Exposing is not about her being interested in R or D, it's to let the truth out before she start's lying and put pressure on her to drop the affair.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:42 PM   #167 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by countryboy View Post
its set up to click and send at this point. i just want to wrap up the discussion tonight. based on the outcome, i will press send or not. i don't want the talk to be about anything else than the topic at hand. i know if i send it it will muddy the waters of our discussion. am i a fool for playing it this way?
Your modified exposure plan will not work , the reason why you expose now is to throw her off balance, every minute that passes gives her control over you. Your already worried that she is so calm why do you think that is , she and OM have a plan . You have one but won't sorry can't act on it . Your head is going to be in turmoil when she gets back , she knows your desperate ----start leading .
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:44 PM   #168 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

I'm going to skip the exposure part and let others advise about that.

As far as confrontation:
Write down what you are going to say and rehearse it. Hold talking points in your hand if you need to when she gets there.

You will experience some powerful emotions when you see her face-to-face. But at this critical point, showing emotion is showing weakness that you don't mean what you say. It suggests to her that she can ask to think about it, separate temporarily, or find some other way to keep you both going so she doesn't have to choose.

Leave no doubt that you love her and will do what it takes to make the marriage right. But you cannot break down and beg and plead and cry. If you think you might, just remember that the first thing that will pop into her head is how much she does not like those qualities and she is glad she found someone who isn't that way.

A marriage only has two people in it.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:47 PM   #169 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

No
Work the plan
You are correct any action no will muddy the water.
You want your new confrontation to be to the point and effective.

It what I mean is she must see how serious you are in moving on with out her. That and you show of confidence in the fact you know enough and now it about her choice to NC.

After this point welll then it your turn to take the actions that will make her face the reality to which ever choice she makes. Make no mistake, which ever choice she makes there will be consequences.

Be prepared for the "confussed" and the "I need time" those statement alone are her making the choice to be with OM.


Remember stay strong and walk away from the engaement if need be. You can return a few minute or hours to restate the point of complete and total NC.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:52 PM   #170 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

I still think you wait and play the exposure card affter the talk.

This is addictive and she will struggle with NC (IF SHE COMMITES AND AGREES) then play the card after she breaks NC.

If the OM was married then exposure to OMW would over ride this stratagy Have you been able to confirm there is no OMW or GF?
Thsi point is really important and must be followed through ASAP (even before the talk)!!!!!

You mentioned OM is single but is it comfirmed by you?
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:00 PM   #171 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

The reason why many posters remain undecided is they get contradictory advice and then take the path of least resistance.

Here is the deal:

She did not fly back this morning , why? Was it a genuine business reason or a late morning sex session with OM.
They are in the car together making plans, nothing you say to her today is going to change what they have planned.
Regardless of what she says to you tonight be assured she is going to go to the OM either today or sometime in the near future unless you dramatically change the balance.
You have a single moment to cause seriouse grief in the affair , that is now.
You cannot hold back exposure as a threat, it does not work.

Send the mails to his contacts be they clients friends or friends
Caller her mother and ask for help.

Do not say anything to her about the exposure let her find out the hard way.

When you confront you do so knowing her lies are revealed and for her life is about to get a lot worse.

Edited: this is your second confrontation and you yourself mentioned she sounded unconcerned when you confronted her the first time.
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Last edited by Eli-Zor; 04-30-2012 at 03:07 PM.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:07 PM   #172 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

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her: i'd probably ask for a separation.
me: not going to happen.
I just want to make a comment about this.

You canít make her do anything she doesnít want to do and saying you wonít consider separation shows that you need her more than she needs you. You are going to pressure her to stay and that never works plus it looks weak.

An alpha would say ďScrew separation, Iím filing for a D first thing in the morning, Iím not going waste my time with someone that canít stay committed to me.Ē

Just tell her end the affair or you will end the marriage. Donít try to talk her into staying or negotiate or any of that nonsense. The more you personally try to fight to save the marriage and make her stay, the more likely you will fail. She broke the marriage and screwed up; she now has to fix it, not you.

You will have better luck making her end the A if you try to end the M. Thatís what really wakes them up, cold hard reality. Not only that, you get to save your dignity as well. When she sees you take a stand and not allow her to get away with disrespecting you and the marriage she will see you in a new light.

When you talk to people that have already gone through this youíll find the number 1 regret was not being tougher with the WS. There's a good reason for that.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:10 PM   #173 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

" An alpha would say ďScrew separation, Iím filing for a D first thing in the morning, Iím not going waste my time with someone that canít stay committed to me."

Agree, a seperation is an excuse to act single and gaslight you, is she seperates you D and go for everything.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:11 PM   #174 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

Listen eli zor. Right now they are making plans to manipulate you based on what they know you have told her. I would wait until she pulls up, likely with him in the car, and push send. Do not tell her you have done this, but wait for the call from him to her telling her.

I think she maybe won't have the guts to face you. He's is likely going to get a hotel for them tonight and will drive her by to pick up her clothes etc.

Right now while you are waiting go buy a var and carry it with you when you talk to her.

Move money out to an account only you control.

Have a friend on standby tonight to come over after she leaves. I doubt she is going to spend the night. Had she freaked on the phone and ran home it would be different,. Instead they are making plans to stick it to you.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:18 PM   #175 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

Eli- makes a good point In which I aggree. Play the card now makes sense after reading reading Eli- post.

Who knows if she breaking up with OM or coming up with a plan to go underground during these next few hours they are together?

WW could have extened the trip for one last good by "kiss".

If it was me I would want to see how the convo goes this evening, at least it will validate your dicision to blow this out of the water, and/or still have a card to play once she breaks NC.

What ever you deside just remember never disclose you next step, so do not tell her about the exposure, keep WW in the dark.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:23 PM   #176 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

We can see that the convo tonite won't go well for OP, and most likely this is an exit affair and WW is completely gone.

But exposing after the talk will leave out any possiblity of regret from OP.

We all know damb well if he jumps the gun he will get the " I was going to stop but since you told everyone then the M is over".....Thats my thinking here.

There will me a confirmation this evening that will help solidify his next step.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:35 PM   #177 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

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We can see that the convo tonite won't go well for OP, and most likely this is an exit affair and WW is completely gone.

But exposing after the talk will leave out any possiblity of regret from OP.

We all know damb well if he jumps the gun he will get the " I was going to stop but since you told everyone then the M is over".....Thats my thinking here.

There will me a confirmation this evening that will help solidify his next step.
I agree.

I think you have your hand hovering over the red button while you have the convo tonight. Anything other than complete and total contrition and remorse from your W, and the button gets pressed, sending the scorched earth exposure to all.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:39 PM   #178 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

And by the way, DO NOT tell her you are going to do this. No warnings or threats.

In fact, act very calm during your conversation, assuming the worst already. Believe 10% of what she says. Act like you have swallowed the canary (your impending exposure), like you have the edge, knowing what you are about to do.

The only way you don't hit that red button is if she is literally begging for you, and proves she is done. I highly doubt this is going to happen. But even if she does, then you have to keep your hand over that button while you stay very vigilant.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:44 PM   #179 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

If your WW does go down the road of remorse then it will be her job to expose this affair and ask for support from family and friends.

Hence the reason I'm in the crowd of waiting.

Its not likely but I am hopeful that she pulls her head out of her butt. and if any one pushes the "red botton"it is her.

Just remember, if in some small chance she choose the NC do not tell her about the *your*- "red botton" you will need this later down the road....
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:45 PM   #180 (permalink)
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Default Re: advice needed about an emotional affair

Is her car at home? Drop a VAR under the seat before she gets home.
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