It's not a case of if she refuses NC , she will refuse or will take it underground . Shut the business down , the OM thinks he has a draw card by opening new opportunities , that soon dissappears when the affair is make public to their clients.
Choose , your marriage or her business . Any form of rationalising why her business may be important says go to a D lawyer now as your marriage is over. Posted via Mobile Device
Tell her if she refuses NC, you file for divorce. Then do it.
She sounds like she is used to getting her way with you, that she usually wins out and you give in.
She will fight to continue her affair. She will believe she can manipulate you into allowing it. Sometimes, in this type of situation, only the filing for divorce snaps them out of it and makes them realize they have to stop, that you can no longer be manipulated.
In addition to filing for divorce, expose the affair to your family and hers and to the other man's wife/girlfriend/family. Once exposed, the family members help the affair to end. Only after the affair has ended does the cheater start to come out of the fog and begin to want to work on reconciling.
You also must accept the fact that no matter what you do, you may lose your marriage. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.
Cheaters follow a script. It really is amazing how similar they all act. Your wife is following the script to a T. Your wife is at the point in the script where she lies and minimizes what happend so that she can continue the affair.
Betrayed spouses also follow a script. It is to minimize and reason away through any implausible explanation they can get their hands on that their cheating spouse's affair wasn't physical, didn't mean that much, has ended, etc., and the marriage is ready to resume as normal. You seem to be at that point in the script right now. What have been your wife's consequences for having an affair? She had to put up with aruguing with you for a night? That's it? Now she gets to go on her merry way as if nothing has happened, and you are stuck constantly thinking about it, wondering about the details, wondering if it is over.
If you and your wife continue to follow these scripts, the ending will not be a happy one for you.
"also when the next out of town trip comes up, i'm going to insist going to meet her business partner to show no hard feelings. by gauging reactions, i should be able to make my own assessment. any other advice? "
This is exactly the wrong thing to do.
Confront your wife. Assume her story about the affair not being physical is a lie. If she exchanged "I love you's" and had the opportunity to have sex with the other man, assume she did.
Cheaters lie. Assume all your wife's words are lies. Believe them only when backed up by her actions. Help her to stop lying. Stop believing her stories that don't make any sense. It does not make sense that two people are exchanging "I love you's," breaking their vows, lying about it, hiding it, but not having sex.
No sex for a month is a red flag, respiratory infection or not. Likely she is being loyal to the other man, saving herself for him.
Tell your wife that you demand the following in order to reconcile: complete honesty about the affair. Tell her that this is her chance to come clean, if you later find out she is not giving you the full truth, you will file for divorce. Tell her she must end all contact with the other man. Tell her she must give you complete access to all her communication devices and accounts and let you know her whereabouts 24/7. Tell her she must not delete any messages going forward. If she refuses these conditions, file for divorce. You can always stop the process later if she agrees to your conditions.
Dragging these things out just results in more pain for you while your cheating wife tries to make up her mind. What she would like is to have her other man out of town for sex and you at home for finances, stability, housekeeping, and babysitting.
-she should be writing a NC letter that gets mailed by registered mail
-you should be investigating the OM, if he is married then you find his wife and give her the proof of the affair, she deserves to know. Another possibility is to tell his work place that he used company expenses to conduct in an extramarital affair. (if it gets him canned or taken off of business trips then it could prevent your wife from quitting, but business travel is painful during R of infidelity. It will drive you nuts)
-most initial attorney consultations are free, it doesnt hurt to know your options
- see your doctor as this is the most stressful time of your life and it doesnt hurt to go on meds for a short period of time for the anxiety/depression
-imo she needs to do the following for you to have a successful R
1) No contact with OM whatsoever. If he contacts her then she must ignore it and tell you of it right away. Block him in whatever ways possible like phone and email and facebook.
2) Your wife must be completely transparent. She gives up all passwords, lets you look at her phone and tells you of her whereabouts whenever necessary. In the background you should also snoop with at least a keylogger and other ways to verify her actions.
3) She shows 100% remorse. Accepts full responsibility of the affair, does not blameshift, trickle truth or gaslight. She answers all of your questions and does what we call the heavy lifting to help you heal.
4) You spend 10-15 hours of one on one time alone a week. (not TV watching)
I believe if you cant fulfill the above requirements you are just spinning your wheels until the marriage dies.
Sorry but it's gone physical. If they met up in late 2011 and they are exchanging I love yous over text then the no doubt have been hooking up physically when she's travelling. She's got way too easy of opportunity to do that, and that is what you do with someone you love isn't it?
If you left her go on more trips without any checking up you're being naive.
I think you should go back and check her hotel receipts for those previous trips. Look for how many people are listed on the room, also look for missing hotel stays. The would hr her sharung hid room.
I dont see how the marriage can coexist with her continuing any contact with him.
You might hire a PI to watch her during the trip, as well as turn on find my iPhone on her phone, you'll also need the apple iTunes password for the account she's using for the phone.
Another thing you can do is check the text and call times with him to see if there are texts/calls followed by a dark period in the evening that's unusuall from her usual pattern when she's on a trip. That would likely be when they've been together. Posted via Mobile Device