countryboy, I'm sorry you're here.
My husband was in a long-term EA with someone who was a co-worker during the beginning of their relationship. You have received good advice and I'm glad you are not burying your head in the sand--sadly this is the first reaction many spouses have because they can't imagine their spouse would do such a hurtful thing.
Here's what I want to emphasize--it's been said already, but still:
Cheaters LIE. In order to do what she has done, she had to create a separate, compartmentalized, secret, fantasy life, far away from you.
You could see the symptoms in the distance between you. That mean she was making HIM her confidant, and obviously the business stuff was just the means of establishing initial commonality. She was turning to him for nearly everything in terms of emotional support and validation.
Here is what often happens in these situations: the loyal spouse confronts. The cheater says nothing happened, it was just I was so lonely and he supported me, I promise to break off all contact. The betrayed spouse isn't thinking about all the time that their spouse has been in the affair, slowly transforming who they are. They are thinking about the best friend who they married. And they don't want the marriage to end.
So what does the loyal spouse do at this very critical juncture?
They believe the cheater.
But what happened in my case, and the case of hundreds, thousands of others, is that the cheater just takes it deeper. They are not ready to end things so abruptly. Remember, they "LOVE" this person. It is a false, immature and shallow kind of love. But they experience it as the powerful sensation of love. Are they going to drop this wonderful thing that they think rescued them from the humdrum of every day life?
You know the answer.
As they float away in their fantasy bubble, only one thing will work to make them come down with a bump. That is cold hard reality. It's seeing their name on official legal documents requesting a court for divorce. It's hearing their "loved one" telling them they are dumping them because their spouse was told (by you) about the EA and the "loved one" isn't about to wreck THEIR marriage over these shenanigans. It's hearing your mom or dad tell you how disappointed they are in you that you would throw away 13 years of marriage for a travelling salesman who in actuality, they barely know.
I am happily reconciling with my husband, but I didn't understand infidelity and the powerful hold it locks onto your spouse. That cost us YEARS of time. Please educate yourself and make careful, thoughtful choices. Emotional reactions will not serve your goals right now.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-29-2012 at 11:17 AM.
I am going to demand NC. If refused then lawyer will be called.
Next trip is in two weeks. I plan on going...she doesn't know yet.
What is the consensus on just calling OM out of the blue and ask him if he is screwing my wife?
My wife's OM still hung around me sometimes, before, during and after the A ended. Granted, he avoided being around me much, particularly without my wife or his friends there as well. Around a month after the A ended he would go out with me alone and let me buy him a beer or two, probably chuckling inside the whole time.
Why do you think a guy that you don't know will tell you the truth? I don't trust anyone now, even guys I do know, women either for that matter. Posted via Mobile Device
What is the consensus on just calling OM out of the blue and ask him if he is screwing my wife?
I know you're dying to do this.
There's a thread on the board right now where the OP (i.e., you) just went yesterday and confronted the OM.
The OM lived up to his end of the bargain. Trickle-truthed (i.e., spun a story that had holes, holes were pointed out, so he gave up a little more, and on and on) but would never admit to anything substantial.
So hours later, the OP is still disturbed by the conversation, because he let the OM into his head. And he didn't get any closer to the truth.
This man has been laughing at you behind your back for months and months. How is a conversation with him going to do you ANY good? Help him get his story straight so he can lie to his wife if he has one?
Let it play out as a fantasy in your mind and leave it at that.
Now, talking to his spouse, if he has one, that is something toward which it's worthwhile to direct some energy. What is your thinking about that?
Don't waste anytime talking to the OM. He will only lie lie lie and then run to your wife.
You should consider not telling her you are going on the trip, but show up couple of hours later and watch who she is meeting up with. Better yet, hire a PI and drop VARs in her car. Posted via Mobile Device
what about pumping her friend for information. i have leverage on her in that i know that she had a brief affair several months ago. i'm pissed now and ready to take down anyone that had knowledge of this.
what about pumping her friend for information. i have leverage on her in that i know that she had a brief affair several months ago. i'm pissed now and ready to take down anyone that had knowledge of this.
It is very likely she'll call your wife right after you leave. But if you have enough leverage give it a shot. Did she expose her affair to her husband?
what about pumping her friend for information. i have leverage on her in that i know that she had a brief affair several months ago. i'm pissed now and ready to take down anyone that had knowledge of this.
I would. Does her husband know about the affair she had? He should be told.
Anyone that knows about an affair that doesn't out the affair is just supporting the affair. If she had been outed and your wife saw the consequences, she may have chosen a different path.
i just found the most condemning evidence yet. do i confront over the phone or wait until the ride home from airport tomorrow.
Wait till she is with you.
If this is firm evidence first out the OM to his friends, family , significant other then deal with your wife . Do this in a short space of time , you must make the OM's life very uncomfortable and ensure your wife does not have him in a plan that allows her to run to him.
Read the newbie thread it gives you an exposure process to follow Posted via Mobile Device
Did you find out that it was physical? What kind of proof ? There was one WS that deleted all evidence when the H confronted too early. How long till she gets back?
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Re: advice needed about an emotional affair 
