countryboy

My wife an i have been married 13 years and have two kids. Recently I figured out and confronted her about an emotional affair she was having with a business partner. I know they met in the fall of 2011. Best I can figure by old texts and voicemails is that it turned into an emotional affair around Christmas and continued until March and that is just a guess. Lots of "I love yous" back and forth and that sort of stuff. She swears that nothing physical happened. As a guy, I can't comprehend that kind of dialogue with nothing physical.

Right now I'm lost on whether continuing to support her business and the interaction required. Out of town trips and so on. We have always had an upfront, totally honest, no game playing marriage. Her character has been beyond reproach until recently which has really been the hardest part.

Am I being naive to let this continue with the promise of its over? Am I being a fool to think that nothing physical occurred? I plan on meeting him soon, while traveling with my wife, with a keep your friends close and you enemies closer strategy.

My wife says she wants to stay married and is so sorry about hurting me. I believe her, but I can't shake the doubt in the back of my head.

keko

Which phone does she has?

Out of town trips is a huge red flag. It likely went physical.

countryboy

iphone.

do i continue to question her and keep bringing it up? I mean how many times do i have to ask the same question? its like i can't be satisfied until i confirm that the worst case scenario is the one i'm dealing with.

keko

No, keep a low profile until you gather enough evidence to determine if it went physical or not. DO NOT CONFRONT HER WITH EVERY LITTLE EVIDENCE YOU GATHER.

Does she sync her phone to a computer? If she does you can get backup of her texts/deleted texts.

Way to retrieve deleted text messages from iphone - Truth About Deception

lordmayhem

Yes. If there is ONE rule you should know about someone who is in or just had an affair: NEVER believe what they are saying about the affair. In fact, if you believe her promise that it's over, then you're being very foolish.

Trust but verify.

This means you have to start monitoring her, install keyloggers, get VARs.

It may or may not have gone PA. You will have to investigate. They will almost always Trickle Truth you.

Wrong strategy. The strategy for killing an affair is to establish No Contact (NC). NC must be established forever.

Of course she wants to stay married. She's the typical cake eating type of cheater.

__________________
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countryboy

i've been restoring her backups to monitor. i am already keeping a journal with all the stuff i've found. my plan forward is to keep a low profile, and shower her with love and weekend getaways. also when the next out of town trip comes up, i'm going to insist going to meet her business partner to show no hard feelings. by gauging reactions, i should be able to make my own assessment.

any other advice?

lordmayhem

Then you had better check the iPhone backup file.



iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

warlock07

The backups turned out nothing? Review the backups first.

countryboy

the back ups turned up i love yous back and forth, but no evidence of a phyical relationship.

TDSC60

How many woman who respect their marriage and their husband trade "I love yous" with another man? Then hide it from their husband.

It may have gone physical but it may not have. But if a woman is telling a another man "I love you" odds are that it has gone PA given the opportunity.

Cheater lie. Even when confronted with evidence cheaters will lie and try to make it seem not as bad as it really is. That is the nature of the beast.

You have every reason to be concerned. And forget about how honest and open your wife has been in the past. That woman no longer exists. You are dealing with someone who is totally unknown to you.

Continue snooping and be prepared for what you could find.

No more out of town trips unless you go with her.

Has she agreed to end ALL contact with this man?

Entropy3000

She needs to go NC with him forever. If this impacts her business then that is a shame but required.

It is very possible it went physical but an EA is plenty serious. If she was alone with him during this time it is a good bet it did go physical. Right now you cannot work on your marriage until he is out of her life.

So realize that even with you there her seeing him continues the affair.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

Entropy3000

Right now she has to go NC. That is your focus.

There is no solice in NOT finding evidence of the EA continuing. Essentially he is now an ex. He will be forever a threat for her to sleep with the next time she is on a trip with him. Si do not fool yourself that she has this under control. Sge has been unfaithful already. She must go NC with this guy even if you find nothing. I gett the sense you want to believe her so badly that if you do not find anything now you will allow her to see him on trips. Sigh. Good luck. You have a chance to save your marriage. Don't foolishly let this go.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

keko

How is your sex life?

How is her work schedule? Is she with OM all the time during work?

Does she come late from work? Work on the weekends? Started wearing sexy lingerie?

DanF

Absolutely no contact on her part. If this means quitting her job, so be it.
Do not believe anything she says at this point. Of course she's sorry. Sorry that she got caught.
Tell her that you want to know every single detail in chronological order. Commit it to memory. Question her about it later and see if her answers are consistent. Liars need really good memories and usually forget details or make up too many details.

countryboy

sex life has always been good. we are going on a month dry spell which is a new record. she has been ill for about half that time with a bad upper respiratory infection. She is not with OM during work. Only when traveling out of state does she see him.
No late nights and no work on the weekends. no lingerie.

I literally have no one to talk to about this. Should I seek out a counselor or something?