05-01-2012, 11:30 AM
Join Date: Jun 2011
| | Re: What do you do when your spouse crosses a boundary?
Originally Posted by tobio
No? I'm still thinking about it Lon. I honestly feel that whilst what you say is spot-on, with my husband... Well it's not something tangible for him.
When we were talking last night he reminded me of an incident a while ago involving this female friend. We were out one night in town again as part of a large group. She used to smoke, and my husband does. She asked him if he had a light, he was carrying beers back from the bar. He said yeah, but my light's in my pocket.
Now I can't remember whether he said she could get it or she asked or even if she juat did it off her own back, but I then watched as she reached into one of his jeans front pocket and got his lighter out.
I remember being pretty open-mouthed. We had a massive argument about it. I remember him saying then that it really didn't bother him for her to do that, that's "just what she's like."
Remembering this has made me really angry. I am sat here thinking of the many instances now he has either demnstrated poor boundaries on his own part or disrespected mine. What irks me is even with clear communication he is still disrespecting my boundaries. Or as he says he just doesn't think about them.
*throws hands up in air in frustration*
Posted via Mobile Device
This is the same woman he hugged back the other day? You are right to feel uncomfortable and to treat her as a threat to the marriage - there are lots of maybes, but either way her presence is dissolving your trust and bond with your H.
You need to ask your H to cut her out of your lives. Stop going to social gatherings if she is going to be there, when you host these gatherings make sure she is not invited, and unwelcome. Make it obvious to your friends your dislike for her behavior around your H, make this about her but in private show your H that this is what you will do to anyone he has innappropriate interactions with. Don't worry about being a villain, most others in your circle of friends will actually respect you protecting your marriage.
If your H is reluctant about any of this tell him how much it hurts when he chooses this insignificant woman over the W he chose to make his W, express your emotion to him constantly because as soon as you stop he goes about being insensitive.
be persistent and I suspect it will get easier over time to guard your marital boundaries. Good luck, I know its no easy task but I also know first hand from the way my ex W burned through friends that you can cut people out and life still goes on.