tobio

Me and my new husband had a discussion not long ago about boundaries. In particular about physical contact witb the opposite sex.

I was specific in that ANY contact with a non-family member is unacceptable to me. I accept that others may in certain circumstances initiate contact and in those situations his reaction is what is important to me. He thought I was being way too particular.

Anyhow. We went out last night with a group of friends. There was an old female friend of his with her boyfriend. They have a history; although they have in essence a friendship, they did get drunk once and kiss. I have no problem with them talking and she is a nice girl, however she is quite attention seeking and a huge flirt. I made it clear in our discussion that I am not on board with any contact between them.

When she and her bf were leaving, she spent some time talking with my husband and his friend. She hugged my husband, he hugged her back. He was completely oblivious; he obviously had no thoughts of how I might feel about it.

We had a massive argument about it last night (alcohol fuelled.) This morning I am sat realising that he crossed my boundary and I don't know what to do about it. FWIW he thinks I am being stupid. That his EA happened a year ago and we should be looking forward. He wants to do what he wants to do (ie not have to worry about my thoughts and reactions to such situations.)

I don't feel it is such a violation of a deal-breaking boundary. However it is simpky outside of my comfort zone given his EA. I don't know what to do with this...
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Humble Pie

come back tonight, and discuss this without the alcohol. Communication is easier and more productive that way.

This one is tough, although he agreed about the boundaries issues, it seemed like he was "caught up in the molement" and made a reciprical gesture with hugging his "old female" friend back as she was leaving. Harmless to him, but not to you.

Because of his recent EA, and you still recovering from that he should understand and respect your triggers. Talk to him again tonight and explain how you are uncomfortible with the situation.

tobio

Yes, agree about discussing without the alcohol. I don't drink much anyway but I could feel myself getting very emotional so went to bed. I'd rather look at it today with a "fresh" head.

When he first told me about what happened, it was a situation where she wanted to hug him and he did so back. Then she went in for a kiss. We'd been having an ongoing issue with me wanting him to be more affectionate where he used to turn me down a lot for hugs and kisses so it's a massive trigger for me.
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Will_Kane

Tell him how you feel, like you've posted here, and why you feel that way.

Tell him again what your boundaries are. Tell him if he has a momentary lapse due to a spontaneous situation, you expect him to be understanding of your feelings, not argue with you about how wrong you are to have them.

Tell him he's lucky you took him back after his EA and that if he can't do what he promised to help you to continue to get over it, then you won't be able to get over it, and where will that lead?

tobio

I hear you. The thing is it was literally a couple of weeks ago we discussed it. He knows how I feel. I think in his head anything that is related to his EA and talking about it is to him looking backwards. He says he is just reminded of what a pr!ck he was and he thought we'd moved on.

We talked about this situation happening: in fact HE brought it up. I told him it was not acceptable to me. I find it incredibly sad he just cannot even understand WHY I don't like it. The fact is he knrw I would be upset but did it anyway. Sad.
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2nd_t!me iz_best

i completely agree with you tobio on the contact with the opposite sex in a relationship, especially with exes.
i would be worried about his reaction that you were being too particular.

did either of you know she would be there?

did she ambush him with the hug?
if so i would act more on his reaction to the ambush.
did he REALLY hug her back? did he just kind of pat her a couple times with loose arms?

what was his reaction to her trying to kiss him?
kiss her back?
pull away?
turn his head?

i do understand about the triggers with this.
i think you need to act more on his reaction to her actions and try and go on that too.

dont be feel bad about this bothering you even if he did all he could to make it as innocent as possible. you do have the right to that, especially due to the history between the two of you. he should be able to understand your point of view on this situation.

good luck on resolving this this issue.

tobio

Thanks. I should just clarify the kiss I described was between him and the girl he had an EA with. Not the friend we saw yesterday.

The friend hugged him. He did hug her back. He even says she is very affectionate and that is how she would greet him and say goodbye so he knows to expect that.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything between them. I think it is inappropriate particularly given their history but would be anyway.

I am so surprised at him. In many other ways he has been really good.
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2nd_t!me iz_best

now the hard part will be getting him on board with the issue of opposite friends.

knowing how 'affectionate' she is, i agree he should have made some efforts in distancing himself from her.

he does need to have more consideration for you and your feelings on this subject.

he needs to understand how this can affect you and do his part to make you as comfortable as possible in the relationship...
and with you gracing him with your presence

MEM11363

Tobio,
Social contact in a public setting when your wife is present - is normal. Your boundary is so tightly drawn as to almost ensure friction with him. This is going to dilute his perception of what a boundary means to you, him and your marriage.

There is a big difference - giant difference between:
1. I "don't like it when you do X" and
2. I "will not tolerate "X".

Don't say the latter unless you mean it. And frankly if you really are willing to leave him over "that", I imagine he would question either your sanity or your commitment to him.

tobio

I wouldn't leave him over this, no. Being honest I do realise that it is more of an issue with this particular friend because of their history. It's a convoluted story involving her and a number of males in our friendship group. She has a history with both my husband and his friend who she was (is) involved in an EA with but is also good friends with his friend's wife. Husband's female friend is pleasant enough to me but I know she doesn't like me because prior to me and him getting together, he was one of her main sources of self-validating male attention. She can't have that from him now and she doesn't like it.

I also watched her sat next to her boyfriend flirting with my husband's best friend. I felt uncomfortable with that. And truly I am unsure of if there is still any attraction there between her and my husband... It's not a question I have wanted to ask.

I think given this history I feel comfortable having this boundary around his behaviour with her. He has in the past done some crazily questionable things in public... Things that have made me and our friends present cringe. I do not want him to be her puppet for lavishing physical attention on in order for her to boost her esteem. It's not okay to me.

I will say that I could be more flexible with, say, his friend's wives with some polite hug or cheek.kiss as a greeting or goodbye.
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CandieGirl

This woman doesn't sound like a nice girl to me. Flirting with the guys in the group right in front of her BF? Hugging your husband like that? Involved in an EA with another guy in the group AND friends with his wife? What a feckin' wh0re! I wouldn't have to think twice before exposing her a$$ to the entire group! You don't need to leave your husband over this; but the wh0re has to go.

MEM11363

Did she attend this outing with a boyfriend or did she come alone?

tobio

CandieGirl... It's like an open secret. All parties involved know there are feelings between the female friend and my husband's friend, though not sure how much her boyfriend knows.

She has issues. She seeks attention from men to validate her self-worth. She has a lot of male friends for this attention. She is good-looking as well which helps her. She exudes a vulnerable air which leads a lot of guys to feel protective towards her. She is incredibly tactile and there can be a 'lingering' of the hugs with the guys and she gets closer to the guys by way of personal space than I would like with my husband at times, and in a way with the guys that would be perceived as flirting, ie a hand on the thigh when mentioning someone in a story who's sat next to her, or stroking someone's hair if she notices a new haircut.
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tobio

MEM, she was with her boyfriend.
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CandieGirl

I don't know, call me crazy, but I think you'd be doing everyone involved a big favor by blowing this out of the water. An open secret? So people know, they're just afraid of rocking the boat. No one wants to be the one to tell this broad to swing her hole at someone else's hook. I hate women like that.