I think if I make this demand I will drive it underground and maybe make it more intense and worse. I will have no way of knowing.
She is not stopping now. What good is this? You fear she will go underground so you allow her to have her OM? The key is to stop an EA early. Time is your enemy. make it clear this is unacceptable. If she goes underground, then cut her loose. Allowing her to have another man is enabling her and makes you look weak and unattractive to her.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"Itís not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
We just had a nice discussion on Skype, others were around so we did not talk about the issue, but she was nice and loving.
I am sanguine about this for several reasons. First, she comes from a shame/taboo culture where having a PA would not only be a big step, but would change her own opinion of herself negatively. Second, she is well aware of the strong possibility that he is just manipulating her to get some on the side and something he always wanted but never had and once that happens will leave the scene again. Third, when she complained about my emotional distance and said she was thinking of leaving, I warned her that what she thought would happen might not happen and that there would be a fair division of assets. Fourth, she knows I have the OMW's contact info and could drop that bomb any minute.
We are in our late 50s, not kids anymore and have been around. I don't think it's a lack of self respect not to react in a dramatic and possible counter-productive way to this.
Just beware that lying comes easy to those who don't want to get caught. If u just let the OM wife kno that there's a friendship to be aware of...it shouldn't be a big deal on either parts if that's all it is.
I would also caution you about feeling confident you know the whole picture. It takes all of about 3 minutes to set up a new email account you know nothing about, and about the same to buy a pre-paid phone. If she decides she wants to continue with him and hide it from you, you'll be in the dark.