I would also caution you about feeling confident you know the whole picture. It takes all of about 3 minutes to set up a new email account you know nothing about, and about the same to buy a pre-paid phone. If she decides she wants to continue with him and hide it from you, you'll be in the dark.
C
Of course I am not confident I know the whole picture - I am thousands of miles away. I don't even have her email password, nor could I monitor her phone calls or text messages. Of course that would change when I come home - then I can watch her 24/7!
I do have some confidence that she will act in accordance with her personality and cultural background and that I can reinforce the marriage by communicating better.
I am giving her some space to reminisce with this guy, but I expect the present reality will not sustain this or long. I am waiting to see how aggressive he is before creating any drama with him or his wife.
I am giving her some space to reminisce with this guy, but I expect the present reality will not sustain this or long. I am waiting to see how aggressive he is before creating any drama with him or his wife.
WTF!
You're giving her space to reminisce? How nice.
The deep longing of bygone yesterdays and a lifetime together that never was. Oh how could we have been so blind not to see that we belong together. Our love was meant to be...
Of course I am not confident I know the whole picture - I am thousands of miles away. I don't even have her email password, nor could I monitor her phone calls or text messages. Of course that would change when I come home - then I can watch her 24/7!
I do have some confidence that she will act in accordance with her personality and cultural background and that I can reinforce the marriage by communicating better.
I am giving her some space to reminisce with this guy, but I expect the present reality will not sustain this or long. I am waiting to see how aggressive he is before creating any drama with him or his wife.
Total FAIL
That said I do agree the current situation will not sustain itself. It will escalate. Rapidly to a PA if it has not already.
Giving the guy a chance to back off. Huh!? Let me be obtusely blunt, the only backing away he will be doing if he gets a chance is on the upstroke. Seriously. Sorry to be crude. Why would we expect a man who wants inot our wives pants to decide to back away until he reaches his goal?
You are giving space for her to deepen her bond. Think of this like a black hole situation where things are slowly moving into it. At some point there is no truning back and it goes geometric. You don't wait.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-30-2012 at 12:04 PM.
She is not stopping now. What good is this? You fear she will go underground so you allow her to have her OM? The key is to stop an EA early. Time is your enemy. make it clear this is unacceptable. If she goes underground, then cut her loose. Allowing her to have another man is enabling her and makes you look weak and unattractive to her.
I agree with this. i also think, especially for a man,to put your job in jeopardy is a bad idea. If you don't save your marriage, what would you have left?
The deep longing of bygone yesterdays and a lifetime together that never was. Oh how could we have been so blind not to see that we belong together. Our love was meant to be...
You get the picture.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000
Total FAIL
That said I do agree the current situation will not sustain itself. It will escalate. Rapidly to a PA if it has not already.
Giving the guy a chance to back off. Huh!? Let me be obtusely blunt, the only backing away he will be doing if he gets a chance is on the upstroke. Seriously. Sorry to be crude. Why would we expect a man who wants inot our wives pants to decide to back away until he reaches his goal?
You are giving space for her to deepen her bond. Think of this like a black hole situation where things are slowly moving into it. At some point there is no truning back and it goes geometric. You don't wait.
Her relationship with this guy is fanatasy.
Maybe you're both right. My feelings are on a roller-coaster. What is the key is when she said she wanted to leave me soon after this guy contacted her, because I wasn't expressing enough love for her. That upset me a lot, and she backed off and we reconciled when we were together.
Another thing that bothers me is how glowingly she talks about the guy, how "honorable" and "honest" he is. I take this as an implied comment on my past cheating. She has also been stingy with praise and appreciation of me over the years, especially given the series of high-stress and dangerous jobs I have had.
Her and I have all the baggage of a tumultuous 30+ year marriage and all of the resentments along with the good things. Him and her only have the pure unconsummated love from 34 years ago.
I have been thinking that she might have largely been "on the rebound" from him when she met me - she mentioned him favorably a few times over the years.
So if this is the course of idealized true love and I am over here, how can I stop it?
So now she tells me that he is getting a divorce from his wife, so even as I was considering calling her today, I don't know if it will make much difference. I won't do it today because I have had a couple of drinks this evening.
Part of me just thinks I should cut her loose and go the route of most of the guys I work with - the hacienda in the Philippines or Costa Rica, the condo in Thailand or Dubai and the young second wife/concubine.
I will call the OMW just for grins and giggles when I'm sober, though.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Also, married couples should be transparent with passwords. You should be free to log into her email, facebook, twitter, etc and her into yours. As has been said before, privacy is closing the door when you take a sh!t, secrecy is something different: the hiding place where affairs thrive.
I could quit today and be home tomorrow, but my contract has six months to run and I would be foregoing a lot of money and a lot of my professional reputation. It will be another couple months before I can get away to see her again.
Since I have not been a saint myself, I can't rant and rave at her about this, only ask her to be honest with me. It might be something that burns itself out. I actually kind of doubt that D is serious about leaving his wife, the mother of his kids, but I have no real basis of knowledge for that belief.
Since you are making good money, why doesnt your wife move with you to the desert for the remaineder of your contract?
You have no idea about the other man, and his intentions, best not to assume. The only deal is with your wife, getting her focused on your marraige and not skyping this OM.
I feel you are remotely excusing her behavior (skyping, constantly communication with OM) due to your lack of commitment you had in the past... why? Do not allow her to cross the marital boundaries and act like her behavior is okay. Demand she stop this inappropriate communication- tell her to go NC, and arrange for her to live with you...
hi where in the mid east are you working?we are also in the mid east,long distance relationship sometimes does not really work why not bring her here instead?
Of course I am not confident I know the whole picture - I am thousands of miles away. I don't even have her email password, nor could I monitor her phone calls or text messages. Of course that would change when I come home - then I can watch her 24/7!
I do have some confidence that she will act in accordance with her personality and cultural background and that I can reinforce the marriage by communicating better.
I am giving her some space to reminisce with this guy, but I expect the present reality will not sustain this or long. I am waiting to see how aggressive he is before creating any drama with him or his wife.
You are giving your wife too much credit here, and she is the one totally out of line!
Yea she might have came from a cultural background that looked at these actions as forbidden, but she has already began to engage in actions that are leading her towards an affair.
What is the point of them reminising? and how long are you going to allow this to happen before you say, enough is enough and get her back focued on your marriage and not OM marriage?
Maybe you're both right. My feelings are on a roller-coaster. What is the key is when she said she wanted to leave me soon after this guy contacted her, because I wasn't expressing enough love for her. That upset me a lot, and she backed off and we reconciled when we were together.
Another thing that bothers me is how glowingly she talks about the guy, how "honorable" and "honest" he is. I take this as an implied comment on my past cheating. She has also been stingy with praise and appreciation of me over the years, especially given the series of high-stress and dangerous jobs I have had.
Her and I have all the baggage of a tumultuous 30+ year marriage and all of the resentments along with the good things. Him and her only have the pure unconsummated love from 34 years ago.
I have been thinking that she might have largely been "on the rebound" from him when she met me - she mentioned him favorably a few times over the years.
So if this is the course of idealized true love and I am over here, how can I stop it?
So now she tells me that he is getting a divorce from his wife, so even as I was considering calling her today, I don't know if it will make much difference. I won't do it today because I have had a couple of drinks this evening.
Part of me just thinks I should cut her loose and go the route of most of the guys I work with - the hacienda in the Philippines or Costa Rica, the condo in Thailand or Dubai and the young second wife/concubine.
I will call the OMW just for grins and giggles when I'm sober, though.
i live in Dubai, plenty of woman to help you take your mind off this WW... but that won't solve the issue I know
Another complication was that she caught me cheating more than once in the past and brings that up often, even though I have been faithful for the last nine years.
My mind is blown that no one has even touched this in any of the posts. I think its a huge factor. If you have cheated on her multiple times it may explain why she is willing to engage in an EA. It doesn't excuse her actions but do you think maybe she fears you are cheating again?
I'm pretty familiar with the cultural background of your wife (if I am inferring correctly from your post). Shame never stops anyone but it would be very surprising for her to engage in a PA. Especially if she is in her 50s but I wouldn't rule it out.
I think a lot people here are giving you advice to go nuclear on her without considering the implications. Do you really want to get divorced when you are close to retiring? Because if you push too hard that is what could happen.
This is just my opinion but you have no right to go in with power plays when you have such a checkered history. It is only going to push your wife further away. I think you need to make sure they never meet until you get home. That should be your priority for now.
My mind is blown that no one has even touched this in any of the posts. I think its a huge factor. If you have cheated on her multiple times it may explain why she is willing to engage in an EA. It doesn't excuse her actions but do you think maybe she fears you are cheating again?
I'm pretty familiar with the cultural background of your wife (if I am inferring correctly from your post). Shame never stops anyone but it would be very surprising for her to engage in a PA. Especially if she is in her 50s but I wouldn't rule it out.
I think a lot people here are giving you advice to go nuclear on her without considering the implications. Do you really want to get divorced when you are close to retiring? Because if you push too hard that is what could happen.
This is just my opinion but you have no right to go in with power plays when you have such a checkered history. It is only going to push your wife further away. I think you need to make sure they never meet until you get home. That should be your priority for now.
Thanks, you see my point. Who am I to rant and rave? She always thinks I am cheating, even if I am out in the desert surrounded by camels. I dare not mention a woman within 100 kilometers.
Since last night (the seven hour time difference is a problem), we are airing things out a little and she is being conciliatory. According to her, after she told him she did not want frequent contact, the OM has not contacted her.
It is impossible for her to join me - I am not in a nice city like Dubai, and she has her own career and work.
If she says the OM is not contacting her, and promises to tell me if he does, maybe I just have to calm down and trust her and her past faithfulness, age and cultural background to keep the OM off of her.
This is just my opinion but you have no right to go in with power plays when you have such a checkered history. It is only going to push your wife further away. I think you need to make sure they never meet until you get home. That should be your priority for now.
I disagree. Regardless of his checkered past, he does have a right to use any means necessary to protect his marriage. She does not get a pass because of his past transgressions. She made a conscious choice to remain married to the OP.
Also, making sure that they never meet will not keep her from bonding with the OM. People fall in love all the time over the Internet without ever having met.
26Likes
Re: Working far away from wife having an EA 
