This is my first post, I found this place while looking for advice on my situation. My wife is having an EA with an old boyfriend from 34 years ago, while I am working in the Middle East.
S, my wife was recently contacted through Facebook by D, a man she had a love affair with 34 years ago. S tells me there was no sex with him back them, that I have been the one and only (she is from a conservative south Asian background). D was engaged at the time and ended the affair to marry his betrothed, whom he later divorced. He remarried some years later.
A couple of weeks after S told me about D contacting her, she told me that she wanted to leave the marriage, saying I was not showing her enough love. What complicates matters is that I work in the Middle East and we spend months away from each other. I told her that I was just tired and at my end from being isolated out in the desert. We met for a break soon after that, things went OK and we seemed to have reconciled.
I did look at her computer one day and saw that D had sent messages of "I love you" on her Skype account. I asked her about that and she told me D was just joking but was being very attentive to her - and that he said that his marriage was dead. She has said that her heart was pounding when he first contacted her and it seems this is giving her some thrills, or maybe scary thrills.
Now we are apart again and I asked her to tell me what was going on. She said she is in touch with D but asked him not to contact her often and that he was unhappy about that. In fact, he wants to meet her. This would be easy for him because he has the time, money and freedom to make the one-hour flight to where we live.
Another complication was that she caught me cheating more than once in the past and brings that up often, even though I have been faithful for the last few years.
I don't know how to play this. Obviously, I can't watch what she is doing while I am thousands of miles away. I did tell her that he was either being very reckless with all these professions of love and desire to someone he has not seen in 34 years while he himself is married, or he was just manipulating her to get into her pants.
The problem isn't just with this guy. It's with your marriage and your wife. She's enjoying the attention and lapping it up, and you're not there to be the one providing that, much less monitor what's going on.
What are the chances you can move back home? Without that, I don't know what your chances are, but I would say "not good".
I could quit today and be home tomorrow, but my contract has six months to run and I would be foregoing a lot of money and a lot of my professional reputation. It will be another couple months before I can get away to see her again.
Since I have not been a saint myself, I can't rant and rave at her about this, only ask her to be honest with me. It might be something that burns itself out. I actually kind of doubt that D is serious about leaving his wife, the mother of his kids, but I have no real basis of knowledge for that belief.
I could quit today and be home tomorrow, but my contract has six months to run and I would be foregoing a lot of money and a lot of my professional reputation.
What do you value more? Your marriage or the money and professional reputation?
If you value your marriage you better haul your backside home -- like yesterday!
I could quit today and be home tomorrow, but my contract has six months to run and I would be foregoing a lot of money and a lot of my professional reputation. It will be another couple months before I can get away to see her again.
Since I have not been a saint myself, I can't rant and rave at her about this, only ask her to be honest with me. It might be something that burns itself out. I actually kind of doubt that D is serious about leaving his wife, the mother of his kids, but I have no real basis of knowledge for that belief.
Priorities. You also do not take this so seriously. You are ok with her EA burning out. This sounds more like something that has heated up and they will find a way to go PA.
Instigation, Isolation and Escalation. You are isolated. They will get together if they have not already.
As I said, I could come home tomorrow or the day after, but I have to consider the second-and third-order effects of that. I have a job that pays very well, is interesting and professionally challenging and has 70 days' vacation a year to boot. Another 1-2 years of this and we will be all set for retirement. If I go home because of this, I'm going resent it and be pissed off. I might have problems finding another job. After a few months of hanging around the house and spending money, she will be pissed off and that will translate into the marriage.
As far as hiring a PI, I think that would be difficult from here without her knowledge because of our joint accounts. Anyways, because of the distance between them (about 500 miles), I do not expect this to move quickly or happen often, so the PI could watch her for weeks and nothing will happen.
I also know a lot about this guy just from the internet because S told me his name, work, etc. I could contact his wife, but that is a nuclear option and I have no grounds to be sanctimonious upon, nor do I wish to cause pain. I think I understand where this guy is coming from - my wife is someone he wanted 34 years ago and never got, and now he's looking to correct that. There is a big step between having an affair and leaving your marriage.
What I mostly want are ways to communicate with her to discourage this without saying something that will send her into secret operations.
I asked her what she and him have been talking about (they have talked on the phone and by text) and this is what she wrote (edited to omit personal details but preserve the gist):
Quote:
There really isn't much to talk about. He talk a lot about his life, what he has been doing and esp. what since I last saw him (sort of catching up). He told me how he regrets leaving me, how he was afraid because for the first time in his life, he met someone he cared deeply for but he was not ready to settle down. He feels that he should have given it a chance but that he was young and reckless. He didn't want to ruin my life (he was not sure how it would be and whether he could change but he also said talking to me, I sound like i have grown and grounded) because he was kinda of carefree and had a lot of fun with partying. BUT he told me that he feels that if he had married me(knowing me and how i turned out to be), I would have straightened his life out and been an asset to him, that i would have helped him and guided him, he was sort of a hippie. He liked adventure and was not ready to settle down. But in retrospect, he thinks we would have made it. he asked me to forgive him and once he asked me to marry him jokingly(of course he has always been nuts - makes me laugh a lot). when we knew each other we joked and laughed a lot. He is very smart and knowledgeable (in many ways he is like you but he is sweet not a meanie).
He has told me about his business briefly, how busy he is traveling. He operates from anywhere his businesses. He would like to meet me and see me face to face.
He keeps asking me to forgive him for leaving 34 years ago. he has regrets because he feels his marriage didn't work out. He says his wife is married to her job(she is not motherly to the kids, infact he used to cook) and is not lovey dovey kind, but practical which suited him as long as he could do what he likes, biking, traveling and pursuing his interests in reading, the arts etc.
Other things stuff he talks about: movies to watch, or music to listen to that he finds interesting. Actually yesterday i told him that I didn't want to communicate with him often - he wasn't happy.
okay dear, that is what we talk about. always about his biking. he bikes for 30 miles on weekends or quite a few everyday.
I have pointed out to her that he may be a "dawg" who is trying to get her into bed, and I think since we have discussed bad male behavior over the years (as a result of my infidelity) she is receptive to this.
I am also new to this site and was the OW and I am married so let me give you some advice as I kno exactly what's going thru ur wife's head and I kno how it will all end up. Contact his wife and make her aware of the "friendship" if she isn't aware already. If its nothing to worry about then there is no reason for it to be secret. Do it now before she gets so wrapped up in the fantasy. If you are willing to look at your marriage...talk about the issues, acknowledge and accept ur own short comings...and she can do the same...u have a chance. Sadly you are away so much and that leaves for a very difficult situation. She needs this guy because of her own issues. I've been her for over two yrs. My married BF lives over 700 miles away...there are many different ways to be intimate without physical contact...believe me. You need to expose the situation. It just makes it harder for them to carry on. And since ur not around...she doesn't need to hide a whole lot. I denied my affair for a yr and half before my husband caught me. Even then I convinced him it was over. It was until he started questioning everything that I confessed and so did the married bf as he was afraid my H would contact his wife. His wife contacted me after that. It didn't stop the affair completely but it did put a huge cramp in it. It has since ended...but it has messed me up emotionally. Don't let it get that far. Contact his wife!!!! Make her aware.
Wife is having an affair, husband is not comfortable with that she knows that but not ready to go NC Do you know what is wrong with this situation? she dont care for your feelings or worries as a faithful wife should.
You leaving the work is foolish, you need money to live rest of your life, Even if with her or someone else. you canot be a watchdog to prevent her from straying.
Tell her your concerns one more time and ask her to stop all contact with OM firmly, if she wanted to keep her marriage. he is fishing his old flame. he know that she is vulnerable and her boundaries are weak.
If she didnt respect your concern and feelings then she dont deserve a life with you ask her to pack her bags and leave the home and live with OM.
Did you exposed the A to OMW? If not do that immediately.
You should protect your money now because it's all you are going to have very soon to keep you company. Your wife is on her way out of the marriage, and you are too afraid of loosing the future to act.
You should tell the OMW immediately and warn her too,because her marriage is on the way to its end as well.
You sir are in deep denial on how badly this is soon going to end for you if you take the wait and hope approach. Posted via Mobile Device
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Working far away from wife having an EA 
