I have been married for almost 12 years to my high school sweetheart, we married at the age of 20. We have a beautiful daughter. 2 years ago we were forced to file Chapter 13. My wife lost some trust in me because I may not have been as upfront about or financial situation as I should have.
About 6 months ago, she had a new manager start working with her. She would tell me about all of the jokes and cutting up that they would do. I would jokingly accuse her of liking him. Well about 2 months ago, she quit talking about this manager, and started picking fights with me and my daughter. She would get mad when I would ask what her plans for the next day was. She was never letting me know what she was doing on her days off, I would ask her what she did on her day off and she would say I stayed home all day, but banking records showed differently. On Valentines day, my wife, daughter and I went out shopping trying to spend some quality time together. I thought pretty good day. The next day she had to work, and told me she would call when leaving work so that I could have my daughter ready to go out to dinner. I called my wife's work at about 1 pm and was told that she left work at around 12 pm. I called her cell phone she did not answer, She returned my call at 2:45 pm, saying that she was on her way home, she decided to get her nails done and get coffee on the spur of the moment. This upset me that she could not have called and told me that when she decided to do that, because I could have been doing something else. When she got home she told me that she wanted to seperate, because she could not stand me trying to control her. Something did not add up right, so I checked her cell phone usage for the period and saw that she had 3100 text messages total, 3000 were to one person in particular. I checked her phone, she deleted all messages and the contact information. I asked who this person was and she just stated a friend, and that I would not understand. The friend ended up being her manager who is also married with 4 children. The next night she left to stay with her parents. Leaving me with our daughter. She came back home 2 days later, and tells me that she is planning a trip to her girlfriends house at the beach in 2 weeks. then the following sunday, I was putting away clothes and ran across a cell phone that I have never seen before. I asked her about it and she told me that her manager is paying for the phone so that I could not track her phone activity. She then proceeded to tell me that she has feelings for this person and asked for permission to pursue the relationship with him and stay at home with me. I told her no. That Friday came, and I snuck into her luggage and found lingery and sexy relation quizzes for new couples, she denied she was going with him, that she did not realize that the lingery was in the bag. I later found out that she was going to a different beach than I was told, and found out through facebook that he was going to the same beach that same weekend. I called her told her get out of my house.
Now I am willing to reconcile our marriage because I am a firm beleiver in the bible, and know that the Lord frowns on divorce. She is not willing to give up her friend to save our marriage and now blames me for the separation because I kicked her out.
CALL HIS WIFE. RIGHT NOW. NO EXCUSES. IF SHE KNOWS SHE CAN CONTROL HER HUSBAND. DON'T LET YOUR WIFE BACK IN. TELL HER TO STAY AT YOUR MOMS. CALL THE MANAGEMENT OF THE COMPANY AND LET THEM KNOW THAT ONE OF THEIR MANAGERS IS GOING TO CAUSE THEM TO HAVE ONE HELL OF A SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT (IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOU WORK THERE OR NOT) HIS ACTIONS SHOW THAT HE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
TELL THEM LIKE THIS "IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, I WILL SCORCH THE EARTH WITH WHAT HE HAS DONE. IN THIS ECONOMY HOW WILL THAT LOOK ON YOUR BOTTOM LINE.
Now for your wife. Call her mom and make sure you tell her that she needs to stay with her because she is cheating on you with her boss. Tell her "She is destroying her family and your granddaughters childhood and that she is being verbally abusive" Let her mom know that she is also destroying another family with four children as well. You sound very strong with her. That's good. Now you have to force the issue. Go to a lawyer, and file for divorce (you don't have to sign). The idea is, completely disrupt her fantasy. You have to show her that she is losing everything. Her family, her home, her lover and probably her job. If she wants out of your world of love and support. Let her experience the real world with out love or support. And yes in two months she has definitely had sex with him. YOUR GREATEST ALLY WILL BE HIS WIFE. IF HE LOSES HIS JOB. HE WILL BE A LITTLE BUSY LOOKING FOR ANOTHER ONE. PROBABLY TO BUSY TO BE SNIFFING AROUND YOUR WIFE.
I can't believe what she asked you. "Honey is it OK if I go and have a lot of sex with another man. Oh I want to live here too. So that when I come home after screwing him, you can fix me dinner. Oh and would you mind doing a load of wash, I am completely out of clean panties. AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!
If you want to save your marriage. STAY STRONG. I don't care if you lost every cent you have. FOR RICHER, FOR POORER, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH!
I have already been to the wife of the man, they have been having problems for seven years, she is moving with the children out of state to the west coast. This man is willing to let his children leave that far away just to get away from his wife. Shows what kind of man he is huh. The wife talked to the upper management and they swept it under the rug. This is a retail store and all managers have issues of sleeping with their employees. I have already called HR on the store manager for him talking to my wife about her breasts. I have not talked to anyone about this particular manager yet
Then you need to move forward with the filing. Close any joint bank accounts you have with her. Deny her access to all forms of support, emotional and financial. Do not ask her to come back or tell her you love her. You're not Mr. needy. You need to work on your happiness and your daughters. No more anger. You are moving forward with your life. Around her you are confident and self assured. She has to think "OMG he is divorcing me and moving on with his life. Do I really want that?" Your hope is, that by pulling back from her emotionally, that she wises up. But you may have to go through with the divorce. I think that forcing the choice of him or you is the right tact. Focus on you and your daughter. Exercise, eat right, get enough rest.
Dear bdb548 - (let me say I don't know anything about anything) but I can say Initfortheduration has got alot of good advice. I am in a bad marriage for years now. Only last weekend did it hit a new low - along the lines of conspiracy to commit adultery. In the old days this was punished by stoning. A little neanderthal I admit - but my point is feel your feelings, go thru the natural human process of sadness, betrayl, loss - then get pissed - really pissed off. I have. Took me a few days but face it, this selfish person has taken yet again (at least speaking about my own marriage) and you need to draw the line. We are adults. If she has lost some respect for you in the financial crisis (that is where I am) that you have experienced, fine, complain. Be upset. But scr_wing another man is not her right, her priveldge nor is it right to do this to your daughter (bad example). Have the stones to stand up and say "no". Be angry. Make plans for your new life - even if you don't have to follow thru. Take responsibility and make the 'right' choices for you and your daughter. Stop being a victim and be an adult. (I am learning fast to have to do the same) I can admit I had a naive expectation about how marriage would work out. I saw exactly what you are going thru with a family that grew up next to mine. In the 1980-82 he lost his job, she starting get on with another man, and thier lives took it hard. I am not going to let my life melt like I saw that family. My wife is not a little girl and I am not her dad. Your wifes "taking" is not ok. Your wifes choices are wholly selfish and destructive. Take back your life and responsibility for your child. Get a lawyer, get the evidence and get in control. Whatever happens from there be a man and make the right choices. (I am in exactly the same boat)
First of all, you are assuming that you have control and can make the decisions for her that you want her to make for herself.
Second... you need to understand that this is probably not the manager's fault. I remember finding e-mails sent by my "innocent, victimized" wife... I was SHOCKED to find her as the aggressor who pursued the relationships.
Now then, SHE is confused at this time because for the first time in a while, she is having jittery, giddy feelings because of the attention she is getting from him. This is ALWAYS temporary, but a lot of the time, the cheating partner doesn't realize it for what it is until it is WAY too late for reconciliation.
Having been in this situation, This is what I did... I took my wife inside and made her look at our half-asleep daughter and asked her if "he" was worth it. I made sure that she understood that she was on the brink of losing everything that is dear to her over a fling. I made sure to let he know that she would not only be losing me, but her kids, her home and everything that our marriage was about.
At that point, it was no longer about how she felt about me, but the hard realization that she would indeed lose it all and be left with nothing. That was her wake-up call.
Having said that, realize that the company that he works for could give a rip about your feelings and the affairs that happen in the work place... as long as they are making money.
Further, even if he DID get fired, it would not take away her opportunity. If she wants to cheat, there are plenty of other people out there that are willing to play the game.
Take a strong position, stand up for yourself and be willing to follow through if it doesn't go the way you hoped it would.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have been there and it truly sucks in the extreme!
Oh, and I might add one more thing: don't quit on the employer. REALLY GO AFTER THEM! If we are upset with the lack of ethics on Wall St or in Gov't, everyone of us needs to STAND UP for what is right and against what is wrong - for our children's sake! Get the man fired or file that lawsuit. Be a crusader for your daughter - this is the legacy we leave for our kids. (think about those guys that wrote some neat ideas down on paper, were considered triators, and most lost everything - in pursuit of what they believed in - they wrote the Declaration of Independance - the least we little people can do is stand up to the scum who think it is ok to destroy their own families and ours. Nail that guy too.
Bdb, moogvo has some good advice about showing your spouse what she will loose, you do not have control over her choices - but do not agree with the company's lack of responsibility (that is what led Wall St. down the path of greed and billions of lost taxpayer dollars). As for the manager - I have never met a male that didn't want to mate - gay or straight - he is a low-life and not worthy of description as victim of her desires - he could have said no to a married woman vs. participating in the act of adultery. Bottom line: Dbd - you make the right ethical choices for you and your daughter, follow-thru on what you think is right and leave a strong legacy in the choices you make. Everyone is responsible for thier actions: the wife, the manager, the company and you (& I) - so do the right thing and mean it.
What you guys are forgetting is why do women cheat? I have never cheated on my husband or any of my boyfriends prior to marriage, but like all women i have friends that have. Most of the reason women cheat is because they are not getting what they need emotionally at home. Honestly, if you filled for chapter 13, was it your fault? Did you care enough about your family and your wife to make sure that didn't happen? And i bet you never really asked her how she felt about it, she just went along with it and said everything would be ok, right? She probably feels you cant take care of her, and Im pretty sure you have been stressed and worried, and at times cold to your wife, but if she already having doubts about the way you treat her filing chapter 13 was probably the breaking point. What she did wasn't right and she needed to be confronted, but you seem to be placing the blame only on her and threats and being controlling is only going to make her stray away more. And agree, the guy is a scum bag, but she cheated on you not him, so i would leave him out of it. You said he text her 3000 times, well how many times do you text her and not just to ask her where shes at, who is she with, but tell her that you love her and miss her even if she has only been gone for a few hours. Might sound dumb, but it goes a long way especially after being married for so long and having children. You say you dont believe in divorce, but its clear that your angry and that that is the only thing on your mind. But i believe that if you two work hard you can save your marriage, but you need to stop thinking of her as the tramp that slept with her boss, but as a real person with feelings too. If you all cant talk about it and she really doesnt want to be with you, then its over, but at least you can tell your daughter that you tried.
That is one helluv a lot of conjecture. You make one statement that "what she did wasn't right" and then the rest of you post is blaming him, for something we know nothing about. What if he just can't take the fact that his wife let some other guy inside her. Do you know how many people are hurting in this economy? There is a 10% unemployment rate in California and 4 other states and its getting worse. That is not justification. That is the time you pull together, not take your panties off for another man. Did you here him, she is taking it out on the daughter too. And they say I jump to conclusions.
I'm probably going to get 'blasted' for this but I have been very surprised at how many husbands have come on to this forum to tell their stories of their unfaithful wives. Sure, there are a lot of stories from women who had unfaithful husbands-I am one unfortunately -but there doesn't seem to be as many. But as a woman, I have never even contemplated cheating on my husband nor have any of my female friends cheated on their spouses-as far as I know.
I guess I was operating under the assumption that more men cheat on their wives and statistically this seems to be true, even though statistics differ. It is interesting and I think oftentimes true that the woman tends to be the 'aggressor' in these situations. I'm sure that is difficult to believe-but I think once women become emotionally involved with someone outside of their marriage, it is very difficult for them to let go of the other man sometimes. And once a PA happens, it is even more difficult. This is what happened in my situation--my husband was not at all emotionally involved as much as "she" was. She was pushing him to divorce me-she was definitely the aggressor.
Anyway, I can sympathize with you guys-it's painful I know-and I hope that things work out for the best.
BriannaK, you are correct, I did not do enough to avoid the chapter 13, I let her down, I am not faultless. I have forgiven my wife for her mistake, and am trying to start from scratch with our relationship. We have mutually decided that the starting point would be talking calmly about our family leaving her "friend" out of our conversations. I think we actually made a breakthrough just today in our conversation. She has had her position now for about 1 1/2 and I have never asked her what all it requires of her. I did that today and realized that I was wrong in never inquireing about this. I just assumed she did not want to talk about work at home. We then both discussed that this is where part of our problem lies. She never asks me about my job either and really has no clue what I do. and I have had the same job for 15 years. As far as the text messages go, there is no reason for a married woman to be texting another man, 500 exchanges in one day while spending "quality family time" with your husband and child. the whole time my child is right beside her. I agree I did not give her the full attention that she may need but I dont see how someone can throw way a relationship that started when we were 13 and we are now 32, married for 12 of those years.
As far as the texting goes i agree with you, she shouldn't have done that, but texting does go with the affair. Theres a million things she probably shouldn't have done, but i feel as if it all stems from the same thing. I guess, when a person feels unappreciated at home, small little things become big huge things and slowly you just stop caring. You said she is barely figuring out what you do at work, after 15 years. Thats a red flag that you alls communication isn't strong. This is actually and easy remedy if you both stop fighting and start listening. Who knows, you all can even fall in love all over again. Im sure thats what she has been wanting.