I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband of 20yrs had been leading a secret life for the last 15yrs of our marriage. He came home from a business trip to California with flu like symptoms. I took care of him for 2 days and he went to the doctor. Unknown to me he told the doctor he needed an HIV test. He confessed to me before he got the results that he had been with a prostitute and now thought he had HIV. He then told me this has been going on for 15yrs and started when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. It happens on business trips, but 1 time I went on vacation for 3 weeks without him to visit family and he had a prostitute from craigslist in our house in our bed. My world is completely destroyed, my kids are devastated, He does not have HIV, and I have moved out of the house. I have been completely faithful to him, I work, take care of our kids and our home. We had ups and downs, he said it happened if I was being mean to him. I feel so much shame and anxiety, I dont know what I did to make this happen, how will I ever trust again. I never suspected a thing or found anything weird. He wants us to stay together, I am scared to be alone, as I will be 50 this year. I feel like such a loser.
I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband of 20yrs had been leading a secret life for the last 15yrs of our marriage. He came home from a business trip to California with flu like symptoms. I took care of him for 2 days and he went to the doctor. Unknown to me he told the doctor he needed an HIV test. He confessed to me before he got the results that he had been with a prostitute and now thought he had HIV. He then told me this has been going on for 15yrs and started when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. It happens on business trips, but 1 time I went on vacation for 3 weeks without him to visit family and he had a prostitute from craigslist in our house in our bed. My world is completely destroyed, my kids are devastated, He does not have HIV, and I have moved out of the house. I have been completely faithful to him, I work, take care of our kids and our home. We had ups and downs, he said it happened if I was being mean to him. I feel so much shame and anxiety, I dont know what I did to make this happen, how will I ever trust again. I never suspected a thing or found anything weird. He wants us to stay together, I am scared to be alone, as I will be 50 this year. I feel like such a loser.
He is the loser. It is crazy that he is now trying to blame you for his stupidity. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake and no matter what the problems in a marriage are, cheating is not the answer nor should it be condoned. Just because he did not have HIV do not overlook the fact that he willingly exposed you to any number of sexually transmitted diseases. By the way, your next stop should be a doctor to have yourself test for the full panel of STDs. Next stop - lawyer to get the scoop on what your rights are. Do not be afraid of being alone, you will not be alone. You will have your children, your family and friends there with you. The only thing missing will be the cheating husband.
Why did you move out of the house, he is the one who should have gone.
I moved out when I found out about craigslist, I could not stay there any longer. I did get a complete STD screen and am negative, he said he used protection, except this last time. My friends have been amazing but are as shocked as I am. I am seeing a lawyer this week, this is all new to me and still reeling. I am seeing a therapist, and my kids will be seeing her as well. Everyone that knows him is stunned, he did not share this with anyone. I will never live in that house again, too much pain.
How are you financially? You might want to seperate some cash from joint account into personal. If in the future he turns around 180 and tries to screw you over "again" at least you'll have some extra funds in hand.
As a Marriage Counselor for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO it's been my experience that this sort of betrayal where you had no idea anything was going on is often the worse kind to recover from because there were no signs you saw of his unfaithfulness so in recovery if you see no more signs of his unfaithfulness it will often only make you suspicious. If you really are invested in saving your marriage a professional counselor will be extremely helpful. If this is a habit of his, he will also likely need individual counseling.
Lastly, don't be distraught about being 50. There's still life after 50. And happy life at that. Even if you're single. Be strong and courageous.
I'm so very sorry for your situation. I can empathise.
My husband hired a prostitute and also thought he had caught HIV and given it to me, as I became ill around the same time. Fortunately he was HIV negative as well.
He also blamed me for his infidelity, saying that it was my fault as I wasn't well. The truth is, he was just being plain selfish and thoughtless. I'm divorcing him now because of this and because of him being so disrespectful in the past as well. I couldn't take anymore and felt so humiliated.
It does hurt like hell but four months later, it is easier and I'm able to hold my head a bit higher and focus on my children, family and friends. I know I have made the right decision. I would always be wondering if he would do it again and because he just wanted to rug sweep by not taking responsibility, we would have never been able to recover from it.
You don't need to call yourself a loser, your husband is the one. You did the perfect thing by moving out, and I would suggest nothing less than divorce in this situation considering that you two had kids together, and this was going on for 15 years. 15 years is a very long time, and the fact that he didn't have any regret during all that time speaks volumes about his ethics.
You need to stay strong both for yourself and your kids. Moving on is a difficult process, not an impossible one. It will take a few weeks, perhaps months; but you will, sooner or later, jump out of it. Keep yourself together during the legal proceedings and the therapist sessions.
Recommending divorce is the worst advice ever, but your situation is beyond conciliation. At the same time, I also feel you should give him a chance if he earnestly regrets it - now that you and the family know about it. If he continues to put the blame on you then you, absolutely, have no obligation to live in the same house as that sick excuse of a husband. Carefully weigh your options. Only you can decide if you ever want to trust him again, or just get as far away from him as possible.
It must be an excruciatingly painful time for you, but don't lose hope. Time heals everything. Eventually, you will find love again, and you will find the courage to trust again, God-willing. XOXO
Anyone who can even suggest you go back to or even consider going back to him is sick! It is one thing to know your with a cheater because then at least you can financially set yourself up while he's pigging around such as I did... but to have complete trust and have your world shattered... I am sooo sorry! He doesn't deserve a good, clean, faithful wife... He deserves to PAY
you've been with someone that is a true pathological liar and incredibly dangerous to your health most of your adult life. No wonder you are in such pain.
Please do know you will be fine, you are much better off without him.
I am so sorry. I also discovered that my H had been having sex with prostitutes when on business. I also had no idea...and he also did not choose to stop, but got found out eventually. You need to both get tested at 3 months, 6 months and a year after the last exposure date. That is frightening, I know. I feel your pain, but you need to know that you are special and lovely and a wonderful mother and he is a troubled man. Does this need to become your trouble? No. If he wants to stop this destructive habit he needs to do it for himself and you do not need to 'fix him'. Look after yourself and your kids. Our journey has involved MC, IT and now a sex therapist. 8 months of hell. For me it was the knowledge that regardless of his issues he chose to knowingly put my health/life at risk. If he had complete disregard for me that is bad enough, but to risk my gorgeous girls growing up without a Mum..inexcusable. You do not owe him anything. I am sure you love him still deeply, but do not let the fear of being alone be your reason for staying married to him. Peace of mind is far more valuable than having a husband in your life...believe me..I am there. Message me if you like...my heart breaks for you. Hold your head high...you are worth so much more.
You said "it happened when you were being mean to him"
Care to elaborate on that more? Posted via Mobile Device
No, "he said it happened when I was being mean to him."
Those two sentences aren't even in the same universe.
So on top of massively cheating on her innumerable times, exposing her to risk of death, and lying for nearly their entire marriage, he manages to find a way to blame this on her! Really, that pathetic excuse would be hysterically funny if someone's heart and soul (and BODY) wasn't at stake...
Mean to him for 15 years... sounds like a great reason to go out and spend the family expenses on disease ridden sex! That completely justifies his lack of morals-What a sicko!
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prostitute hell 
