She has become a different person as a result of cheating. She has had to learn to be careful, learn to deflect, learn to trick, learn to conceal.
This habit of lying will not suddenly end when you confront her.
Be careful about showing her the source of your evidence. Here's an example you can see for yourself: when you questioned her about the text--what is the very next thing she did? She made very sure she didn't leave her phone alone with you.
Thanks! Yes, the phone is now in her handbag all the time and since she has always had the habit of using many different handbags, things have not become easier.
Correct me if I'm wrong: what you suggest is confront her with the evidence, be prepared for lies, and not show the source of my evidence? The latter is very difficult. I can only get evidence if I spy on her, and when I present it, she will always understand that I have looking into her computers or whatever she uses.
Correct me if I'm wrong: what you suggest is confront her with the evidence, be prepared for lies, and not show the source of my evidence? The latter is very difficult. I can only get evidence if I spy on her, and when I present it, she will always understand that I have looking into her computers or whatever she uses.
Yes, but she doesn't know precisely how. Most people (like me, before I came to TAM) don't know about keyloggers, for example. They don't know that there's software that runs in the background and catches passwords.
You've already mentioned you know her passwords. If you confront her right this minute, what's she going to do? Change all her passwords and lock you out.
So you have to be ONE STEP AHEAD. The benefit of coming to a forum like this is you are going to be given advice on how to close off every avenue so that she cannot continue to trick you.
Here is the danger: you love her very much. You said yourself she was (was) the most honest person you knew. When she turns to you and looks you full in the eyes and says, yes I cheated, but it's over, are you going to believe us--or her?
You are going to believe her. But again, cheaters lie. (I am here to say my husband managed to hide his affair an additional 3 YEARS because I trusted him that it had ended. But I didn't know that affairs are fantasies that are VERY hard for the cheater to end.) We are just trying to help you preserve as many rather easy ways of confirming if she's telling the truth to you down the road--or not.
My husband and I are happily recommited and reconciling. So there is hope. But please learn from the mistakes of others and save yourself years of heartache.
Could you follow her when she goes to the. Gym or have a friend do it? It sounds like she is using at least some of these trips to visit him, Posted via Mobile Device
You can give her a shot at coming clean without any evidence. It's not like you are in court.
Tell that you know for certain she's cheating, and she has her one and only chance to stop it and come clean. Be vague, there are many ways for affairs to surface, could be friends giving you a hint, spotting her with the OM, etc.
She will try to fish how much exactly you know, to gaslight you on those bits. Deflect those attempts, emphasize that you know and you know enough.
Well, that's the point. She says she goes to the gym, but I can't believe she spends 3 hours there.
She started going to the gym on her doctor's advice a few years ago. She has back problems and she really goes to the gym occasionally, I'm quite certain of that, but at least once a week it takes too long to be reasonable. I don't believe her back can stand an intensive 3-hour training but she simply claims she got stronger (another lie, I think). Her lover lives a 30-minute drive from our home and then staying away for 3 hours makes sense....
I'm considering to pay a surprise visit to the gym when it takes so long, but suppose she is there, then you need to say something that doesn't reveal you're actually spying.
I have no idea from your posts why you think you know who her lover is. Why are you so sure of this?
BTW, riding out an affair is not the way to go. Perhaps it has not gone physical. Yes it looks bad, but in any event the earlier you catch this less bonded they are.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Well, that's the point. She says she goes to the gym, but I can't believe she spends 3 hours there.
She started going to the gym on her doctor's advice a few years ago. She has back problems and she really goes to the gym occasionally, I'm quite certain of that, but at least once a week it takes too long to be reasonable. I don't believe her back can stand an intensive 3-hour training but she simply claims she got stronger (another lie, I think). Her lover lives a 30-minute drive from our home and then staying away for 3 hours makes sense....
I'm considering to pay a surprise visit to the gym when it takes so long, but suppose she is there, then you need to say something that doesn't reveal you're actually spying.
I have no idea from your posts why you think you know who her lover is. Why are you so sure of this?
BTW, riding out an affair is not the way to go. Perhaps it has not gone physical. Yes it looks bad, but in any event the earlier you catch this less bonded they are.
Yes show up at the gym. First off you likely will find evidence she is not going to the gym or meeting someone else. Stay stealth. Do not show your hand. Give it some time. BUT then if you run into her just take her out to eat. But you focus is on NOT being seen. NOT confronting too soon. You need to see if she leaves with someone. A good chance she never gets to the gym at all.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
I fully agree that it's reasonable. Notice however how you didn't cheat on her when you were doing your start-up.
Her education and her affair are two separate issues. If she is unwilling to keep you a family, you are under no obligation to support her lifestyle.
Totally true. She can do whatever she wants with her studies and so on as long as she's faithful to you.
Just because you let her study doesn't mean you've been liberal with her because it's her right to continue her studies. But to cheat on you, that's something you should not tolerate.
Don't confront because at this point you have no objective evidence.
Drive by the gym and see if her car is there, don't go in but just see if she leaves the gym and goes to her car if it is there.
If there's little chance to snoop digitally on her PC/Phone then go old school & follow her.
A voice recorder under her car seat will likely get you the evidence you need quickly if I exists. Posted via Mobile Device
Consult with a divorce attorney to become aware of your legal options in case of a divorce. If this is an exit type of affair, you could mitigate the financial impact of divorce if you are able to formulate a good divorce plan.
I would also recommend that you start implementing Just Let Them Go and The 180 degree rules to emotionally detach from your wife. Following the principles in them will give you the emotional strength to face whatever comes you way.
Your wife is cheating on you and putting your health at risk for STD's but you are fearful of even saying anything? What is wrong with this picture? If the roles were reversed would your wife be afraid of confronting you about you screwing another woman behind her back and betraying her and making her look like a fool?
She is totally disrespecting you and your marriage and putting your health at risk for STD's. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Time to man up. Good luck.
Some ask why I think that I know her lover. Remember, I've read a concept of an email she sent him. It doesn't make much sense here to go into detail, and it would be pretty painful too, but from what she wrote I got a picture to whom she wrote it.
This man had an affair with one my wife's friends and that is how she met him. Now this friend of my wife is abroad for business and more or less ended her affair with the guy. I met him a few times as well though only briefly. He's an old style macho who proudly tells you that he doesn't even know how many women he has been to bed with.
I don't have 100% certainty because I haven't seen a name or email address, just a concept of a message, but from what I read, I think I am right about the guy and it was clear that they have a relationship that's not just friendly. To me, this message alone is evidence there is something going on, but I need to have more.
Now that I know about it I reflected my wife's behavior in recent weeks and I realize now that she has been more nervous than usual, and this nervousness has become bigger since I asked why she checked her cell phone, two days ago. She's uncomfortable with the situation, I think.
Indeed. Hopefully you have caught this soon enough. That said, you can see that transparency can help a spouse look out for the other. Had you seen that she was friends with this know predator you could have intervened.
This also tells you that your wife finds this macho guy attractive. You seem way too nice. You were even willing to let her have her fling with an Alpha guy while you support her. So you being very Beta is actully going to turn her off and push her away.
So stop being so undarstanding. That attitude is going to be seen as weak and low value to your wife. She is in an affair with a know predator. One who takes what he wants. He is dominating you with your wife. The fact she knew how he was before the brain chemicals kicked in tells you she is doing this with pre-meditation.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Your wife is cheating on you and putting your health at risk for STD's but you are fearful of even saying anything? What is wrong with this picture? If the roles were reversed would your wife be afraid of confronting you about you screwing another woman behind her back and betraying her and making her look like a fool?
She is totally disrespecting you and your marriage and putting your health at risk for STD's. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Time to man up. Good luck.
The point is that I asked advice because I don't want this conversation to go out of hand because of my wife's temperament -- she's not an easy person to handle and tends to get unreasonable. I don't expect it to run smoothly, of coures not, but there are limits.
When you blow up a marriage but have a young kid you will still have to deal with each other for a long long time. My daughter is my main concern, here. It will be difficult enough for her when we get there.
Therefore I want to be sure that my wife cannot deny anything and that things won't become TOO emotional. So: I need more evidence and I'm about to get it, and then I'll confront her and we'll see. Now I just need an opportunity to install a keylogger on her computer.
She knows that if you dump her, she has a problem. She feels you are onto her. This makes her nervous.
So, draw a line. Don't respond to any of her lies (and she *will* lie when confronted), just make it a point that it's not your idea of relationship and you're on your way out. It doesn't give her any way to threaten you or fuss about privacy; she can have all the privacy in the world in her future single life.
Sorry if this sounds adversarial, but the truth is, right now she views you as an enemy and acts accordingly.
As to the man.. expose him to his wife when you get a proof. You don't have to keep it civil and classy. An upside of Scandinavian way is that the OM never really expects you to swing it at them.
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Re: When To Confront Cheating Wife 
