When To Confront Cheating Wife
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-30-2012, 04:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default When To Confront Cheating Wife

I would love to hear the ladies' point of view on my situation. I'm a 44-year old man in Sweden and I just found out that my wife, who's 10 years younger, has an affair. We haven't talked about it yet and my problem is that I don't know if there is a "good" moment to do so. I don't want to blow up my relationship during this confrontation.

How do I know that she's cheating? The past few months she's been going "to the gym" more often and always longer (3-4 hours, while in the past she went for only 1 hour). She never talks about what she does there (she used to do this in the past) and she's not even hungry when she comes home. I found this a little strange for a long time, but my wife has always been open and honest, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Three days ago, I read a text message on her cell phone, by accident. Someone wrote her "I love you". She was in the bathroom at that moment. I told she had received a text message because I had seen the phone vibrating as it always does when she gets one, but didn't say her that I read the message - I was too much in shock. She picked up the cell phone and said it was a message from her brother, asking her to call her.

Two days ago, again by accident, I noticed that she took her cell phone to the toilet, which she had never done before. When she returned, I asked her if she expected a call, she got angry and asked why I'm acting like I'm Big Brother, and explained that the phone company had sent a commercial text message.

Yesterday she wrote an email on her computer. She clearly didn't want me to see it and quickly said she was writing a friend. I know her password and later logged in. She had deleted the sent message, but forgotten to delete the concept which was all too clear...

We've been married for 9 years and like any marriage that has been lasting for so long, we've had our ups and downs, but we have a strong emotional bond and I believe I have always supported her in every possible way.

Unfortunately, sex was not so good the past 12 months. My small business is going through a difficult time and my wife has been very busy with a new study she started a year ago, and she also went through health problems. Very often we were simply too tired to have sex, but in this respect, the past weeks were much better and she actually became more interested in sex again -- maybe she's feeling guilty?

I deeply love my wife. I have always done so. I always saw her as the most honest person I had ever met. It's actually one of the things that attracted me so much. We have a 6-year old daughter together, she's very sensitive and we both love her very much. It breaks my heart (again) how she will feel when our marriage ends.

I don't want to end our relationship just because she has an affair. I'm devastated, yet willing to proceed if she ends this affair. I have the impression that she's doing it for the sex and the excitement. If I'm correct, her affair has no future: though I'm not 100% sure, but I think I know her lover and he's a married guy of 50 years old, who's been cheating on his wife a dozen times ever since he got married, and he has always sweared he'll never leave his own family.

The past three days I've going through hell. I tried to act as normal as I could, but whenever I had a private moment, I could only cry. Last night she hugged me like she often does, wanted me to give her a massage and was seeking other physical contact but refused sex. To be honest, I don't know if I'm capable of sex now. I feel so betrayed.

Today started like any other day. She even sent me an email from her school for advice on a piece she's working on.

I don't know how to start talking about it. I don't want to blow up everything, which is possible if I can't control my emotions. Besides, she can also get quite hysteric when she's really angry or feels hurt. But we have to come to a point that I have to confront her with the facts.

And if so, what should we do? We can only try to mend things if she ends her affair. But she can be so emotional that seh might just walk out of the door when I confront her.

Divorce would cause a lot of trouble if that's what she wants. Not only emotionally, or because of our child. But also financially we would be in deep trouble. My wife still has a year to study and only gets a scholarship which is too small to live on. Her lover is jobless and has no money (if it's the guy I described above). I have a small business and I make just enough money to provide one household, but not two, and my revenue has gone down the past year. And together we own a house which - if we sell it - only makes enough money to pay back our mortgage. If at all, because the market isn't good right now.

I'm feeling empty and desperate. I love her.

Any advice would be appreciated.
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Old 04-30-2012, 04:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: When To Confront Cheating Wife

Read this link first

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this


To be honest, you have doormat(overtly nice guy that gets taken advantage of) written all over you. She is using your money to go to college and gym and cheating on you?
There is never a good time to confront your wife about the affair. But a good thing to do before confrontation would be getting undeniable proof. She can easily lie and twist the events to her convenience. She is not the honest person you imagined her to be. So don't bet on her confession and coming clean when you confront her. Install a keylogger on her computer. And collect the evidence and the depth of the betrayal. There might be multiple men.

The day you decide to confront her, ask her if she has to tell you anything regarding the state of the marriage, If she won't, present the evidence you have. Give her a choice to R or D. And give her your terms if she wants to. You cannot expect your wife/daughter to respect you if you cannot do it yourself

A few more links here

STICKY: 3 Things Needed to Rebuild Trust in the DS's Honesty


Never say Never
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Old 04-30-2012, 04:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: When To Confront Cheating Wife

Hi there, am living not that far from you.

Please don't deal with it in calm, passive, P.C. Scandinavian way. Its' the wrong moment.

You should put the divorce on the table right away. Tell her that you love her, but you will not stand her affair. She will have to come clean, stop the contact with the other man, and provide transparency to all her communications (no secrecy).

If she refuses, she ultimately choses her affair over you. Wish her good luck in her new life and file. This is the last resort of a self-respecting man in broken marriage. The divorce in Sweden is far from instant thing, she'll have her time to give it a second thought.

You have to be ready to lose your marriage to win. If she sees you can't let her go, she will have no incentive to stop.
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Old 04-30-2012, 05:09 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: When To Confront Cheating Wife

You pretty much know how she's able to lie to your face and look you in the eye like nothing's happening.
When you confront her she'll be a good actress again by begging you, crying and showing false remorse.

Now you know what she's capable of doing.

The rest is up to you.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for your replies so far. Appreciate this. Yes, the Scandinavian way is an obstacle in matters like this. In our culture men are expected to give a woman as much freedom as possible and though cheating is not culturally accepted, this liberal culture does make it easier. Many men are quickly accused of "dominant" behavior when they try to check what a woman does.

And maybe I am a "doormat" but when I allowed my wife to study while I worked, I basically did the same what she did for me a couple of years ago. Back then she worked and earned the family income to give me the opportunity to set up my own business (which wasn't profitable the first year). It was only reasonable to give her the chance to study -- which she actually does (I've seen her grades and they are excellent).

I know that R of D are the only options. Some (non Scandinavian!) therapists on the Net suggest that you should not put one or both options on the table right away but give it a few days rest once you have a confirmation of her infidelity. Others like you, say you should do it the same day. This is one of the things where I'm stuck.

I already have some evidence but I realize that more is better, so I tried to install keylogging software but whichever keylogger I chose, it is immediately removed by the antivirus program. And if I turn off the antivirus scan, then install the keylogger, it is kicked out once the antivirus is turned on again.... I even tried Elite Keylogger who claim they are updated daily to pass any antivirus software, but they were removed just as easily as all the other two.

Any one here who can recommend a program that is not detected by Norton 360? A program that also enables remote keylogging from multiple machines would be even better as my wife has a desktop and a laptop.

And of course your thoughts on my first post are also more than welcome. Like many of the people here, I'm going through some of the worst days of my life.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: When To Confront Cheating Wife

Which phone is she using?

I'm not sure if it can bypass norton but try webwatcher. You can monitor her use from a different computer.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: When To Confront Cheating Wife

Quote:
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I already have some evidence but I realize that more is better, so I tried to install keylogging software but whichever keylogger I chose, it is immediately removed by the antivirus program. And if I turn off the antivirus scan, then install the keylogger, it is kicked out once the antivirus is turned on again.... I even tried Elite Keylogger who claim they are updated daily to pass any antivirus software, but they were removed just as easily as all the other two.

Any one here who can recommend a program that is not detected by Norton 360? A program that also enables remote keylogging from multiple machines would be even better as my wife has a desktop and a laptop.
Install microsoft security essentials. It's better than norton anyway and works with any keylogger.
Ah and please don't follow the Scandinavian way in anything from this point on.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Which phone is she using?

I'm not sure if it can bypass norton but try webwatcher. You can monitor her use from a different computer.
Posted via Mobile Device
She's got an old Sony Ericsson phone without internet access. But of course, she can send and receive text messages.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: When To Confront Cheating Wife

I agree with what has been said (I am a woman, BTW). I am just writing to emphasize:

she has lied many times to you, as you have pointed out to us.

She has become a different person as a result of cheating. She has had to learn to be careful, learn to deflect, learn to trick, learn to conceal.

This habit of lying will not suddenly end when you confront her.

Be careful about showing her the source of your evidence. Here's an example you can see for yourself: when you questioned her about the text--what is the very next thing she did? She made very sure she didn't leave her phone alone with you.

This will not change when you confront her.

If the affair person is who you think it is, you are right, this affair is not likely to have a future (although you never know if that man will leave his family or not--you cannot control him). So you can see for yourself, this is a fantasy that she has constructed. Her first reaction is to protect that fantasy at almost any cost.

This is important: do not beg, cry, or plead for the marriage. That would be a big mistake. She will find it repulsive. She is already mentally putting you down (i.e., finding excuses for why she is entitled to cheat on you) and this will only reinforce her excuses.

As far as being a doormat--first understand that you did nothing to cause her to cheat. Cheating was a CHOICE she made. Most of us made mistakes during our marriage that made it vulnerable to an affair. But cheating is a CHOICE.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: When To Confront Cheating Wife

If you ask your phone company, can they send you the content of the texts?

Are you sure she is even at gym? Maybe she goes to her lovers house? Follow her next time she goes to "gym"
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:44 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: When To Confront Cheating Wife

Turn off norton and use security essentials which is free fom MS as someone else has suggested.

When to confront, I'm a fan of telling the other man's wife and then waiting for him to confront you wife, and then wait for her to fne to you.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:48 AM   #12 (permalink)
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If you ask your phone company, can they send you the content of the texts?

Are you sure she is even at gym? Maybe she goes to her lovers house? Follow her next time she goes to "gym"
Posted via Mobile Device
Well, that's the point. She says she goes to the gym, but I can't believe she spends 3 hours there.

She started going to the gym on her doctor's advice a few years ago. She has back problems and she really goes to the gym occasionally, I'm quite certain of that, but at least once a week it takes too long to be reasonable. I don't believe her back can stand an intensive 3-hour training but she simply claims she got stronger (another lie, I think). Her lover lives a 30-minute drive from our home and then staying away for 3 hours makes sense....

I'm considering to pay a surprise visit to the gym when it takes so long, but suppose she is there, then you need to say something that doesn't reveal you're actually spying.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:48 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks for your replies so far. Appreciate this. Yes, the Scandinavian way is an obstacle in matters like this. In our culture men are expected to give a woman as much freedom as possible and though cheating is not culturally accepted, this liberal culture does make it easier. Many men are quickly accused of "dominant" behavior when they try to check what a woman does.
I know a guy here who walked in on his wife screwing and handled it in the traditional, meek manner. Never presenting her consequences nor following up on her communications. After two years of heartache, she moved with her lover to the US.

Quote:
And maybe I am a "doormat" but when I allowed my wife to study while I worked, I basically did the same what she did for me a couple of years ago. Back then she worked and earned the family income to give me the opportunity to set up my own business (which wasn't profitable the first year). It was only reasonable to give her the chance to study -- which she actually does (I've seen her grades and they are excellent).
I fully agree that it's reasonable. Notice however how you didn't cheat on her when you were doing your start-up.

Her education and her affair are two separate issues. If she is unwilling to keep you a family, you are under no obligation to support her lifestyle.

Quote:
I already have some evidence but I realize that more is better, so I tried to install keylogging software but whichever keylogger I chose, it is immediately removed by the antivirus program. And if I turn off the antivirus scan, then install the keylogger, it is kicked out once the antivirus is turned on again.... I even tried Elite Keylogger who claim they are updated daily to pass any antivirus software, but they were removed just as easily as all the other two.
Norton antivirus has separate controls for virus detection and malware/adware. Try disabling the latter, might do the trick.

Also, get a voice activated recorder. Did wonders for me (you can check my story).

Last edited by snap; 04-30-2012 at 07:52 AM.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
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To answer a few of your questions,

An affair has a success rate of 3%. Yes it's very likely her lover will dump her at some point given his record. But this doesn't mean she'll be loyal/honest with you right after that.

You need to gather some hard evidence so you can confront your wife and the other man's wife.

Sorry to say but she is a perfect example of cake eater. You are funding her education, lifestyle yet she turns around and open's her legs to some dbag.

Until you can gather hard evidence play cool/easy with her, don't make her feel you're onto her.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I'm considering to pay a surprise visit to the gym when it takes so long, but suppose she is there, then you need to say something that doesn't reveal you're actually spying.
No, not a surprise visit. If she didn't even go to the gym that day you wont know where she actually is. Can you have a close friend folow her next time she goes to gym?
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