When To Confront Cheating Wife
I would love to hear the ladies' point of view on my situation. I'm a 44-year old man in Sweden and I just found out that my wife, who's 10 years younger, has an affair. We haven't talked about it yet and my problem is that I don't know if there is a "good" moment to do so. I don't want to blow up my relationship during this confrontation.
How do I know that she's cheating? The past few months she's been going "to the gym" more often and always longer (3-4 hours, while in the past she went for only 1 hour). She never talks about what she does there (she used to do this in the past) and she's not even hungry when she comes home. I found this a little strange for a long time, but my wife has always been open and honest, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Three days ago, I read a text message on her cell phone, by accident. Someone wrote her "I love you". She was in the bathroom at that moment. I told she had received a text message because I had seen the phone vibrating as it always does when she gets one, but didn't say her that I read the message - I was too much in shock. She picked up the cell phone and said it was a message from her brother, asking her to call her.
Two days ago, again by accident, I noticed that she took her cell phone to the toilet, which she had never done before. When she returned, I asked her if she expected a call, she got angry and asked why I'm acting like I'm Big Brother, and explained that the phone company had sent a commercial text message.
Yesterday she wrote an email on her computer. She clearly didn't want me to see it and quickly said she was writing a friend. I know her password and later logged in. She had deleted the sent message, but forgotten to delete the concept which was all too clear...
We've been married for 9 years and like any marriage that has been lasting for so long, we've had our ups and downs, but we have a strong emotional bond and I believe I have always supported her in every possible way.
Unfortunately, sex was not so good the past 12 months. My small business is going through a difficult time and my wife has been very busy with a new study she started a year ago, and she also went through health problems. Very often we were simply too tired to have sex, but in this respect, the past weeks were much better and she actually became more interested in sex again -- maybe she's feeling guilty?
I deeply love my wife. I have always done so. I always saw her as the most honest person I had ever met. It's actually one of the things that attracted me so much. We have a 6-year old daughter together, she's very sensitive and we both love her very much. It breaks my heart (again) how she will feel when our marriage ends.
I don't want to end our relationship just because she has an affair. I'm devastated, yet willing to proceed if she ends this affair. I have the impression that she's doing it for the sex and the excitement. If I'm correct, her affair has no future: though I'm not 100% sure, but I think I know her lover and he's a married guy of 50 years old, who's been cheating on his wife a dozen times ever since he got married, and he has always sweared he'll never leave his own family.
The past three days I've going through hell. I tried to act as normal as I could, but whenever I had a private moment, I could only cry. Last night she hugged me like she often does, wanted me to give her a massage and was seeking other physical contact but refused sex. To be honest, I don't know if I'm capable of sex now. I feel so betrayed.
Today started like any other day. She even sent me an email from her school for advice on a piece she's working on.
I don't know how to start talking about it. I don't want to blow up everything, which is possible if I can't control my emotions. Besides, she can also get quite hysteric when she's really angry or feels hurt. But we have to come to a point that I have to confront her with the facts.
And if so, what should we do? We can only try to mend things if she ends her affair. But she can be so emotional that seh might just walk out of the door when I confront her.
Divorce would cause a lot of trouble if that's what she wants. Not only emotionally, or because of our child. But also financially we would be in deep trouble. My wife still has a year to study and only gets a scholarship which is too small to live on. Her lover is jobless and has no money (if it's the guy I described above). I have a small business and I make just enough money to provide one household, but not two, and my revenue has gone down the past year. And together we own a house which - if we sell it - only makes enough money to pay back our mortgage. If at all, because the market isn't good right now.
I'm feeling empty and desperate. I love her.
Any advice would be appreciated.