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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-30-2012, 02:02 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Ok she feels guilty conceptually but the fact that all these years later you are still in therapy show that this never really got resolved properly. I suspect she has never really understood the humiliation and pain you've suffered. Seriously, making you help him and feed him. I bet they both had a lot of good laughs at your expense.

And yet she was able to be very sexual with him, yet you are still trying to work on your sex life with her.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:09 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reliving this nightmare again..

This is another example of spouse who either keeps an affair to themselves or lies about the extent and still seeing the marriage impacted.

What people do not know ... will hurt them. They just do not know why. Often they blame themselves which is even more hurtful.

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Old 04-30-2012, 02:14 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Ok she feels guilty conceptually but the fact that all these years later you are still in therapy show that this never really got resolved properly. I suspect she has never really understood the humiliation and pain you've suffered. Seriously, making you help him and feed him. I bet they both had a lot of good laughs at your expense.

And yet she was able to be very sexual with him, yet you are still trying to work on your sex life with her.
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Correct - We bounced in and out of therapy. Our marriage was doing pretty good until about 3 mos ago and a big piece of trickle truth rolled out.. That was the straw that broke the back. It was get into therapy, give me the truth, and then we'll see how much longer we're together. So I am giving her that. But nothing more. We are on cordial speaking terms, she answers my questions, she goes and works at her therapy. Most nights she is on the couch.

I do hear all of you.. Why stay, why be the doormat?? Because I believe in her. She is a good mom. This is her last chance, she knows this. And following our disclosure with the therapists she'll rec'v the d-papers or get to come home.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:20 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reliving this nightmare again..

Divorce her.

Don't put yourself through any more misery. You seem to be a decent guy who deserves a normal wife who can love and honor you.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:22 PM   #20 (permalink)
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She regularly screws other men, brings one of them into your house, you help him, after all of this you beg her to stay in the marriage? Do you not understand how humilating and disrespectful this is? Grow a pair and man up.

She is using you only as a daycare and keep the house in check. Explain to me how a cheater can be a good mom? What moral values can she actually teach?
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:26 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reliving this nightmare again..

And you're staying with her because....?
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:29 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I'm rather pro R overall, but if that was done to me, there'd possibly be a murder.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:34 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reliving this nightmare again..

What I don't understand about people with "disorders" like your wife is that, why are they able to fulfill all their other social duties competently except their role as a spouse?

I say this because you mentioned that she's a good mother, if she's a good mother why can't she be a good wife? or are the traits of co dependency blind to people other than you?
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:45 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reliving this nightmare again..

I'm richly in agreement with the vast majority of my TAM cohorts:
there's more than enough evidence that has justly been ferreted out of these counseling sessions for the jury to come back in with a verdict. And that verdict is~ guilty as charged!

Knowingly or unknowingly, she perpetrated the most heinous of acts against you and both mentally and physically abused you all
through the process of the long-term affair.

It is now time to turn the 180 on her, seek legal counsel, and either get her out of the house, or extract yourself and the kids from that hellhole that you're residing in. I don't really care what form of mental malady that she claims to have. Just get out and give yourself and your kids the peace of mind and civility that you all so richly deserve!
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:46 PM   #25 (permalink)
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I do hear all of you.. Why stay, why be the doormat?? Because I believe in her. She is a good mom. This is her last chance, she knows this. And following our disclosure with the therapists she'll rec'v the d-papers or get to come home.
You need some time to process all this new information. It is easy to say to someone to bail out, but when you're the guy in the hot seat it is different. Of course you feel some sympathy for her because of her abusive history, and you have a lot invested into this relationship in terms of years and children.

I don't think any of that is a good reason to remain a doormat, but it sounds like you aren't being the doormat any longer.

Just don't take it upon yourself to fix her or her problems. Give her a fair but limited time to get her act together.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:49 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reliving this nightmare again..

In concept what your doing is very heroic and selfless... In practice, that's setting yourself up to fail. Bigtime. Her transgressions cut far too deep, these scars will be brutal. She's not a person of character and strength to begin with and now she has the built-in scapegoat of her 'sickness', and her parents abuse.... Your psyche will not tolerate vulnerabilty to her. Your only human.

JMHO.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:11 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Let's say you want to stay with her.

1. What is she offering to do to make up for the seriously sick humiliation she caused you? Saying oops my bad just doesn't see enough.

2. How do you know she isn't still up to it?
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:25 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reliving this nightmare again..

I'm sorry what "good Mom" goes out and get pregnant by another man?

Being a "good Mom" does not depend only on how she interacts and takes care of the kids. It is also setting a good example as to truth, trust, and moral behavior.

Good Mom??? Not there yet.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:39 PM   #29 (permalink)
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She, after swearing for years, finally admitted to not using protection. He would orgasm inside of her, on her..

The super kick in the f_cking nuts.. IS that she had me do things for him..
I don't know, given those two scenarios above, if it was me the super kick in the nuts would have been her telling me her affair partner orgasmed in her and all over her and getting her pregnant would have been a very close second. Fixing his computer would come in at a distant third.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:46 PM   #30 (permalink)
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I do hear all of you.. Why stay, why be the doormat?? Because I believe in her. She is a good mom. This is her last chance, she knows this. And following our disclosure with the therapists she'll rec'v the d-papers or get to come home.
First I would like to say that you should not let peeps on this board push you into doing something that you do not want to do. It is your life and happiness that matters.

Back when this all happened, your wife saw that you where down (no job) and basically kicked you while you were down and cheated on you. She knew that she had the upper hand as the sole bread winner and took advantage of the situation. She did it in a most humiliating way by having you cook for the other man and help him with his resume and computer; he was allowed to be her alpha male right in front of you in your own home. They were the couple and not you. The truth is you only stayed because your career was in the dumps, and you felt at the time that eating your pride and staying in the marraige (although not a good option) was your best option.

Now that you are on your feet again, you are standing up and doing what you would like to have done in when this first happened. In deciding what you do going forward, you need to ask yourself this most important question. Is she the woman that you want next to you as your partner in life if things go bad for you? It does not matter how therapy goes if you cannot say a resounding yes to this question. You need to grow old with someone that you can trust to be there for you no matter what.
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