This is my first post here - So I will try to give some background detail on us and the affair..
7 years ago my wife had an affair with a coworker. She felt consumed by guilt and told me about it. However, she never told me the whole truth and I rec'vd trickle bits for years.. However we now are going to sex therapy and I am finding out so much more that our new therapist wants us to go through a disclosure process and to start the 'R' over. This is killing me all over again, I am back on anti-anxiety meds, and triggered all to hell..
Through therapy we have discovered that my wife is Co-dependent hard core, was emotionally abused by her parents, is a Love Addict/Love Avoidant and severely conflict avoidant. The short of the story is that she felt at the time that 'sex' was something she had to do in order to be friends with the coworker.
I've read many places, and read some really crap filled online advice, that wives cheat for emotional purposes and sometimes sex. My wife did not cheat because her emotional cup was not being filled, or her physical needs were not being met. Our therapist, and my wife, have assured me that there was nothing that I could've done to prevent it. It was a perfect storm brought on and perpetuated by my wife. You'd think this would add some relief or solace because most of you know that you destroy yourselves trying to fix 'it', evaluate and improve yourself, and accept what was wrong in the marriage before. My had wife laid out a bunch of items she was upset about at the onset of the affair that she felt, initially, that her needs were not being met because I was not doing these things. However, these were just walls the Codependent Love Avoidant puts into place to restrict intimacy. That way, I am surmising here, she could convince herself that I was not doing what she needed me to do, which led to resentment, and seeking love elsewhere. Another common thread to my marriage is that my wife cannot see any contributions but her own.. e.g. My wife works a good commute from our house, so I provide all the kid logistics - to school, to dance, to sports, etc.. But my wife complains that I don't give them baths, but won't say thank you for getting the family from a to b. She doesn't do the yard work, I do it all, but she's mad when I don't vaccuum. I do all the cooking and grocery shopping, but she complains about not doing the dishes. Then, she'll tie this key phrase in.. "I might feel like having sex tonight if you did..." So, because I wasn't doing [insert activity here], or didn't finish before she was too tired, there was no sex.. So, rejection, belittling never good enough behavior, she now results to conditional love and sex as a treat to try to control me..
Mind you these behaviors were not part of our original relationship, or the start of our marriage.. These were brought out by a trigger.. And that was moving away from mommy and daddy.
The co-addict mentality set in pretty fast for me after the affair as I was desperate to 'fix' what was wrong. The trickle truth was painful, and in the end I made the effort to rebuild based on lies. I tried to be the person I thought she 'needed' me to be based on the information given. But that didn't work. Things would rapid cycle between good/bad, but were never on an even keel.
So finally, through our new therapist, we have discovered that -my wife CANNOT give a compliment, she literally tries and tries but simply cannot bring herself to say it. She cannot allow herself to be happy, and constantly feels unworthy. Literally, her being happy led to feeling like she was doing something wrong, which led to her feeling guilty, and went and had the affair..
Here's what I have learned -
Wife is a codependent who was emotionally abused by her parents.
Wife's affair started and went on longer that initially shared.
She, after swearing for years, finally admitted to not using protection. He would orgasm inside of her, on her..
She got preggo, but always told me the child was mine.. It wasn't. She miscarried.. My wife would not allow me to comfort her but let her AP do it instead.. Wife came home and yelled at me for getting her flowers.. Oh, and let's not forget they were having sex while she was pregnant on biz trips..
When they went on trips, she slept in his bed and had calls from her room forwarded to her cell phone.
They did all the normal couple things like cuddle time, showers, and dates..
The super kick in the f_cking nuts.. IS that she had me do things for him. She invited him over to our house so we could all 'hang out' together and have me cook for us.. TWICE.. She asked me to redo his resume, and fix his computer..
There was NOTHING I could do that would have prevented the affair. I am tired of the debate being perpetuated that women cheat because their needs are not being met.. This might be a reason that a lot do, but not all cheat for this reason.
Why am I still married.. I don't know. I want all the answers now and am not willing to sweep it under the rug again. Once I have those, I will re-evaluate staying or going. I want to see what happens following the outcome of her therapy sessions with our new therapist as well. I know she's hurting, she's disgusted in herself over how she's been treating me, she's tired of living everyday not feeling good enough. I will say that my entire marriage hasn't been bad - but all things involving intimacy following our moving away from her parents and her affair have been terrible. I have hit the end of my rope, I have consulted a lawyer. The outcome of not following our boundaries, staying with therapy, is her moving out and getting a divorce. She knows that her travel job and emotional trauma's are not good for child custody and understands that she's not going to be the primary parent.
If I can give one piece of advice.. FIND A SEX THERAPIST who deals with couples and individuals when you find out. Regular couples therapists just aren't cut out for it. There is too much generality, too much bias.. It's been a real eye opener with what's been uncovered by asking the right questions at the right time. This is our third one, she is fantastic and we've had the most progress under her, and my wife has been the most open and reflective with her as well.
My H had an A because his "needs were not being met" and I " did not love him". Some needs can not be met because the person is not capable of accepting what you are giving. Even though their perceptions of what they are lacking are skewed those are still the reasons they give themselves. My H came from an abusive background too, and no matter what I said to him he saw a double meaning that boiled down to a put down. I could not win with him. It's taken a very long time for him to begin to recognize that he heard me through the distortion of his own abusive childhood. It is very hard to give all you can to someone; to put them first and not have it recognized or appreciated, but it is generally the mind set of those with abusive backgrounds. It is nothing you did or did not do, the stage was set before you ever came along. HUGS.