This is my first post here - So I will try to give some background detail on us and the affair..
7 years ago my wife had an affair with a coworker. She felt consumed by guilt and told me about it. However, she never told me the whole truth and I rec'vd trickle bits for years.. However we now are going to sex therapy and I am finding out so much more that our new therapist wants us to go through a disclosure process and to start the 'R' over. This is killing me all over again, I am back on anti-anxiety meds, and triggered all to hell..
Through therapy we have discovered that my wife is Co-dependent hard core, was emotionally abused by her parents, is a Love Addict/Love Avoidant and severely conflict avoidant. The short of the story is that she felt at the time that 'sex' was something she had to do in order to be friends with the coworker.
I've read many places, and read some really crap filled online advice, that wives cheat for emotional purposes and sometimes sex. My wife did not cheat because her emotional cup was not being filled, or her physical needs were not being met. Our therapist, and my wife, have assured me that there was nothing that I could've done to prevent it. It was a perfect storm brought on and perpetuated by my wife. You'd think this would add some relief or solace because most of you know that you destroy yourselves trying to fix 'it', evaluate and improve yourself, and accept what was wrong in the marriage before. My had wife laid out a bunch of items she was upset about at the onset of the affair that she felt, initially, that her needs were not being met because I was not doing these things. However, these were just walls the Codependent Love Avoidant puts into place to restrict intimacy. That way, I am surmising here, she could convince herself that I was not doing what she needed me to do, which led to resentment, and seeking love elsewhere. Another common thread to my marriage is that my wife cannot see any contributions but her own.. e.g. My wife works a good commute from our house, so I provide all the kid logistics - to school, to dance, to sports, etc.. But my wife complains that I don't give them baths, but won't say thank you for getting the family from a to b. She doesn't do the yard work, I do it all, but she's mad when I don't vaccuum. I do all the cooking and grocery shopping, but she complains about not doing the dishes. Then, she'll tie this key phrase in.. "I might feel like having sex tonight if you did..." So, because I wasn't doing [insert activity here], or didn't finish before she was too tired, there was no sex.. So, rejection, belittling never good enough behavior, she now results to conditional love and sex as a treat to try to control me..
Mind you these behaviors were not part of our original relationship, or the start of our marriage.. These were brought out by a trigger.. And that was moving away from mommy and daddy.
The co-addict mentality set in pretty fast for me after the affair as I was desperate to 'fix' what was wrong. The trickle truth was painful, and in the end I made the effort to rebuild based on lies. I tried to be the person I thought she 'needed' me to be based on the information given. But that didn't work. Things would rapid cycle between good/bad, but were never on an even keel.
So finally, through our new therapist, we have discovered that -my wife CANNOT give a compliment, she literally tries and tries but simply cannot bring herself to say it. She cannot allow herself to be happy, and constantly feels unworthy. Literally, her being happy led to feeling like she was doing something wrong, which led to her feeling guilty, and went and had the affair..
Here's what I have learned -
Wife is a codependent who was emotionally abused by her parents.
Wife's affair started and went on longer that initially shared.
She, after swearing for years, finally admitted to not using protection. He would orgasm inside of her, on her..
She got preggo, but always told me the child was mine.. It wasn't. She miscarried.. My wife would not allow me to comfort her but let her AP do it instead.. Wife came home and yelled at me for getting her flowers.. Oh, and let's not forget they were having sex while she was pregnant on biz trips..
When they went on trips, she slept in his bed and had calls from her room forwarded to her cell phone.
They did all the normal couple things like cuddle time, showers, and dates..
The super kick in the f_cking nuts.. IS that she had me do things for him. She invited him over to our house so we could all 'hang out' together and have me cook for us.. TWICE.. She asked me to redo his resume, and fix his computer..
There was NOTHING I could do that would have prevented the affair. I am tired of the debate being perpetuated that women cheat because their needs are not being met.. This might be a reason that a lot do, but not all cheat for this reason.
Why am I still married.. I don't know. I want all the answers now and am not willing to sweep it under the rug again. Once I have those, I will re-evaluate staying or going. I want to see what happens following the outcome of her therapy sessions with our new therapist as well. I know she's hurting, she's disgusted in herself over how she's been treating me, she's tired of living everyday not feeling good enough. I will say that my entire marriage hasn't been bad - but all things involving intimacy following our moving away from her parents and her affair have been terrible. I have hit the end of my rope, I have consulted a lawyer. The outcome of not following our boundaries, staying with therapy, is her moving out and getting a divorce. She knows that her travel job and emotional trauma's are not good for child custody and understands that she's not going to be the primary parent.
If I can give one piece of advice.. FIND A SEX THERAPIST who deals with couples and individuals when you find out. Regular couples therapists just aren't cut out for it. There is too much generality, too much bias.. It's been a real eye opener with what's been uncovered by asking the right questions at the right time. This is our third one, she is fantastic and we've had the most progress under her, and my wife has been the most open and reflective with her as well.
You don't need a sex therapist, you need a wife who actually loves and respects you. She doesnt feel either of those things. The therapist mumbojumbo is full of justification of why she could humiliate and use you. I notice none of it actually has her taking any responsibility.
Use these new revelations to see how awfully you have been used, humiliated and abused by her and divorce her. You can do so much much better.
Btw, I also noticed that nowhere was there any mention of the person she is changing, so whe will likely do this all again. Posted via Mobile Device
This isn't marriage, it's misery. I don't think people like your wife can handle monogamy. I personally could never handle the mind movies of the new sexual revelations and the fact he got her pregnant too. The humiliation she inflicted by basically making you cook for the man that's screwing her is just cold, co dependency or not.
This isn't marriage, it's misery. I don't think people like your wife can handle monogamy. I personally could never handle the mind movies of the new sexual revelations or the humiliation she inflicted by basically making you cook for the man that's screwing her. That's just cold, co dependency or not.
That's just cold. She and OM probably got a good laugh out of that. I'm surprised she didn't have him fix OMs car or something like that.
Cheating is a cop out for insecure people! I am unsure of the reason why people like us are attracted and stick with people like that but it happens! Truth is this person takes you for granted
because if it were the case that she could not express emotion nor compliment and all of the above mentioned... she couldn't have kept a lover. What she did was took every bit of the love, appreciation and thanks you earned and deserved and gave it to a piece of $#!T that was a home wrecking worm with absolutely no dignity nor respect to be able to look you in the eyes and take what was possibly your last ounce of self respect! No human being should ever have to go through the different emotions that controls you completely.
I never had any closure after my husbands affair that he will
go to his grave lying about, but I know I gave up asking the question why and totally chalked it down to sheer selfishness. Respect is earned and deserved... It was a noticeable difference in his life when he lost mine.
You don't need a sex therapist but an attorney instead. She has humiliated and disrespected you in every possible way even having you cook for the OM and help him in other ways in your own home. This is so damn sick. You know the OM and her were getting off on how they were humiliating you behind your back and in front of you.
I think you are extremely co-dependent. Your wife knows she has a husband that will accept every form of humiliation from her and still be with her. She has shown she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? You deserve so much better than being a doormat to her allowing her to put you at great risk for STD's. You sound like a good guy but you really are a fool but then it is your life. What a waste.
we have discovered that -my wife CANNOT give a compliment, she literally tries and tries but simply cannot bring herself to say it.
I'm not sure I understand, she has never given you a compliment? and why is this? what is the underlying psychology to not being capable of complimenting someone?
From what I've read so far, TexasFlyer appears to be a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD). And we've all seen from the threads here how their WW have little respect for them. Why compliment someone you don't respect? She thought so little of him that she had him make dinner for her and OM. And they probably laughed about it afterwards.
You really should stop referring to her as your wife... way to respectful and she doesn't deserve the title! I have a few choice names that best suits the person you have described-
To cheat is a huge thing... but to basically destroy you further with
ultimate humiliation was pretty much the same as plunging you in the heart and dancing in the mess! I wish that dinner you served those fools that night would have consisted of dog $#!T
Dude, why on earth would you stay married to this person? If you do, I'm sorry, but you deserve what happens going foward. She committed several unfathomable acts of cruelty toward you. You are not her doctor. You are her husband. Leave, and let her find her way.
You don't need a sex therapist but an attorney instead. She has humiliated and disrespected you in every possible way even having you cook for the OM and help him in other ways in your own home. This is so damn sick. You know the OM and her were getting off on how they were humiliating you behind your back and in front of you.
I think you are extremely co-dependent. Your wife knows she has a husband that will accept every form of humiliation from her and still be with her. She has shown she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? You deserve so much better than being a doormat to her allowing her to put you at great risk for STD's. You sound like a good guy but you really are a fool but then it is your life. What a waste.
Codependent.. No. I was a kept man at the time and that definitely played a role. I was a pilot and was out of work after 9/11.. So I went back to school. Although I was working she felt that I didn't contribute enough. Right after it happened, I couldn't handle it, wasn't thinking clearly, and had nowhere or no money to go. THIS laid the foundation for me being a coaddict to her behavior. Since I was isolated, I felt it better to keep the peace than to fix. R was forced, and shaky, but I wasn't out of a place to live.
No STD's.. Kids are mine.
She is remorseful. She is disgusted at herself. She is working on doing better. But it wasn't until we got with this new therapist that we started doing better. I am also not 'kept' anymore. I have my own means, a good job, and am free to leave. I am also not sitting at the bottom of sh_tty shame spiral anymore. When I came out of the depression two years later post d-day, I wasn't lost, but stuck in a routine. That routine provided safety. THIS was also my problem. It was easier to live with the status quo and build myself back up, than it was to address the issues. Now that I am stronger all around, secure, and in a better place.. Issues are being addressed. Getting the truth helps, solidify's her guilt, and forces all those skeletons out into the open. She can chose honesty or she can chose to move out. I can chose to accept those answers and work on us or she can move out.
I am not a stay at home dad. I do have a job, but work out of my home office. At the time, I was in culinary school. My original career path did not work out and was back in school during the affair.
Does your wife place you in front of the front door, or the back one?
Being a doormat, should leave you with the privilege of making a choice.
Myself,I would find a door away from her.
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Reliving this nightmare again.. 
