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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-02-2012, 12:00 PM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused by Wife's Actions

Bottom line is who is the priority in her life? Her family and husband or this band and guy.
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:01 PM   #92 (permalink)
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This is exactly what I think it is. her married friend that always goes with her has a "crush" on the singer, and its bad. I don't think there has been any or very little physical contact. I know her friend has groped the singer before and my wife jokes in an e-mail I read last year that at least she didn't grope the guy this time. Just a joke she says.
Your wife is projecting with her friendship with the GF. She sees the crush on the singer, sees her GF happily going after the singer at every opportunity and she is thinking that the married GF is having loads of fun .. she thinks she can also do the same thing.

Her seeing nothing wrong with her married GF actively chasing another man is a huge red flag for you. Both are toxic enablers. they are supporting and encouraging unacceptable behavior in each other.

Do you know the GF's husband? What does he have to say about all this?

If she snaps out of it and agrees to dropping all contact with this band member - the GF has to go too.
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:15 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Your wife is projecting with her friendship with the GF. She sees the crush on the singer, sees her GF happily going after the singer at every opportunity and she is thinking that the married GF is having loads of fun .. she thinks she can also do the same thing.

Her seeing nothing wrong with her married GF actively chasing another man is a huge red flag for you. Both are toxic enablers. they are supporting and encouraging unacceptable behavior in each other.

Do you know the GF's husband? What does he have to say about all this?

If she snaps out of it and agrees to dropping all contact with this band member - the GF has to go too.
Her friend will never stop going until it goes to far. Her friend only has fun at that show, that is a direct quote. And she kept pressuring my wife to go to the show a few weeks ago, and she knows the last time they went there it almost destroyed our marriage. My wife won't stop having contact with her firend either. 37 going on 21 both of them.
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:19 PM   #94 (permalink)
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Her friend will never stop going until it goes to far. Her friend only has fun at that show, that is a direct quote. And she kept pressuring my wife to go to the show a few weeks ago, and she knows the last time they went there it almost destroyed our marriage. My wife won't stop having contact with her firend either. 37 going on 21 both of them.
Toxic.
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:23 PM   #95 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused by Wife's Actions

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This is exactly what I think it is. her married friend that always goes with her has a "crush" on the singer, and its bad. I don't think there has been any or very little physical contact. I know her friend has groped the singer before and my wife jokes in an e-mail I read last year that at least she didn't grope the guy this time. Just a joke she says.
You should tell the married owman's husband she's out groping men.

Your wife and her friend sound like two trashy low-class broads.
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:24 PM   #96 (permalink)
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Her friend will never stop going until it goes to far. Her friend only has fun at that show, that is a direct quote. And she kept pressuring my wife to go to the show a few weeks ago, and she knows the last time they went there it almost destroyed our marriage. My wife won't stop having contact with her firend either. 37 going on 21 both of them.
Pathetic. The entire time I was reading your thread I was thinking your wife was about 23 from the way she is acting.
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:26 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Her friend will never stop going until it goes to far. Her friend only has fun at that show, that is a direct quote. And she kept pressuring my wife to go to the show a few weeks ago, and she knows the last time they went there it almost destroyed our marriage. My wife won't stop having contact with her firend either. 37 going on 21 both of them.
When I said the GF has to go. I meant that if your wife wakes up and recommits to the marriage, the GF has to go meaning your wife can not be friends with her, can not go out with her, has break all contact with her.

Does the GF's husband know about any of this?
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:41 PM   #98 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused by Wife's Actions

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I like to look at things from all sides. Could everything she has done been harmless? I can't see how she would think the pictures adn then the multiple trips to his facebook page are innocent. Am I missing something?
Even if it was harmless how she is reacting to you is wrong. very wrong.

She is treating you like dirt and want to go party, I say let her.

You are in a toxic marriage, you need to get out because its not going to get better anytime soon. You are in her way and my guess is she doesn't love you anymore (she loves herself way too much for anyone else).
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:53 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused by Wife's Actions

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Her friend will never stop going until it goes to far. Her friend only has fun at that show, that is a direct quote. And she kept pressuring my wife to go to the show a few weeks ago, and she knows the last time they went there it almost destroyed our marriage. My wife won't stop having contact with her firend either. 37 going on 21 both of them.
I hate to say it, but it's not looking good for the home team... Have you taken some time to process this and determine what your plan and boundary conditions are? (What action will you take to protect your marriage, and at what point are you done)? Otherwise, you're drifting, and are at the mercy of her whims.

It's hard to do that, but for your own sanity, you need a plan.
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:00 PM   #100 (permalink)
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Thanks for all the advice. I think this relationship is basically over. Huge fight last night, me talking, her screaming, throwing things and trying to hit and kick me, while the kids could hear. Basically she can't trust me because I invaed her privacy again after doing it 6 months ago. Her going to the facebook page is harmless in her opinion. My snooping is the worst thing a person could do, breaking her trust. I know trust is the number 1 thing you need in a marriage and neither of us trust each other. I am suggesting calm plans to try to repair this a little or at least make it a civil break up and her response is basically more screaming.
So the score board is me 100% wrong and the cause of all the problems and her 0% wrong. Everything she has done is innocent and I twisted it into something bad.

thanks again for the advice.
I have to tell you Jimmy this reaction is the exact script of a guilty spouse.

She`s cheating or trying to and is attempting to scare you into backing off.

You`re best bet is to call her bluff, serve her divorce papers(you can always halt the process before a judge gets them)
Separate financials, cancel any credit cards she has access to.

Be a hardass and start threatening her cozy little life and you`ll maybe get somewhere with her.
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:02 PM   #101 (permalink)
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I like to look at things from all sides. Could everything she has done been harmless? I can't see how she would think the pictures adn then the multiple trips to his facebook page are innocent. Am I missing something?
No, not at all.
Her reaction is all telling.
She`s up to some inappropriate **** or you never would have gotten the over the top response she gave you.

She`s guilty, of what exactly you have yet to discover but she`s done something or is engaged in doing it now.
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:06 PM   #102 (permalink)
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An 8o's cover band that packs the house with women. They are awful mand that makes it so much worse for me. And it is so hard to discuss and even argue with the woman because yes all she does is attack me. And that is what drove me over the edge 6 months ago. She never answered my question, she just attacked me. And last nigh went on and on how she bent over backwards to help me when I was going crazy. And I went completely crazy 6 months ago and it was all related to me thinking she did or was going to do something with this one guy. When I walk away from the argument and think clearly again I am always stunned by how little blame she accepts or by how few questions she actually answers. It is just attack and attack some more.
Absolute standard from the cheaters script!!


Dude, start digging.

You need to get to the bottom of what exactly is going on.
In other words if she thinks you invaded her privacy before she`d go ape**** over what you need to do now.

VAR
GPS
Keylogger
Cell/Text trace

Find out what she`s so vehemently protecting and open it wide.
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:14 PM   #103 (permalink)
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Y`know Jimmy.

I`ve been re-reading this thread.

If you want this woman (Honestly I don`t see why you would) you need her to do some things

-Total transparency
-Go NC with the crazy groping toxic friend forever.
-Never see this band again
-She goes no where without you for the foreseeable future.

If she can`t agree to these things divorce her.
Her description is skanky, I`d divorce my wife if she began acting in this manner.
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:27 PM   #104 (permalink)
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Jimmy come on man, lets say she hasn't screwed another guy, band guy or anyone else, and she is just out haveing fun ok.

Is this the kind of marriage you want you kids to use as an examble? Is this the kind of marriage you want to be in?

You are no longer her priority and that alone would be good grounds to divorce, in the most simplest terms, "people grow apart". In your case your WW has not growing with you.

Do you want to be in a marriage were you are no longer the focus? You sit here second guessing your self, when I can tell you that her behavior will snowball. Now its the band, years from now it will be something else that will continue to take the focus off her marriage.

Man. I have been through this, and it lasted 13 years out of a 20 year marriage. Do you realy want to go through another decade living with a spouse with this kind of behavior? Let me tell you from experience you will not like the out come.

Its been 3yrs so far, it will me the same crap year after year, and the ugly truth is there will be more men...men after men.

Trust me when I tell you 3 yrs is long enough and IMO its grounds for divorce..I think they call it allienation of affection.

So pleae file and have her served, and hopefully this tactic will bring her around, if not at least you can show your kids a good examble of a healthy relationship when you find someone that will focus an you, respect you, and make you a priority.


I've been down this road, and its not pretty for you or the kids, as it snowballs into something very dangerous for your self distructing wife.
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:22 PM   #105 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused by Wife's Actions

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I have all of that.
Jimmy,

Have we nailed the bullseye enough times to have your undivided attention now?

I have read thousands upon thousands upon thousands of stories... They are all sickeningly similiar. There is one part of your story is clear and it is on the very far side of extreme...

Lemme cut straight through the sh*t...

Infidelity or potential infidelity is a sidebar to the real issue now...

You are being abused. This is serious stuff brother. This is not mild abuse either, With your history we are talking life and death serious.

We as men have a very hard time coming to grips with this. Most men suffer in silence afraid to admit to themselves and to other people that they are being abused.

Your mind is being poisoned, the damage cant be measured right now. But, much of what your putting yourself through can not be reversed. You've already had at least one major break down, I don't think you understand the implication of that.

Set aside your pride, your own denial, rationalizations and minimizations... Whether she is doing it intentionally or not, she is a class "A" abuser and your mental health and sanity are in very real danger.

Listen, don't blow this off.

If nothing else gets through I want you to hear what I just said.
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