Almost a year since his ONS...want to move on from it already
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Almost a year since his ONS...want to move on from it already

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-01-2012, 04:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Almost a year since his ONS...want to move on from it already

The sex factor still bothers me tremendously. The small moments betwern them and his behavior towards me during his pursuit of this woman is whats killing me. Sometimes I feel fine, I am able to just brush it all aside, and go days without shedding a tear. Then it is like a mack track slamming into me on the freeway...It feels like my brain wants/needs to make up for lost time and I am obsessed again for days. Crying, thinking about the details that I am aware of. I know that I use my hurt as a security blanket of sorts now.

Like, as long as I am thinking about it, my guard is up and I watch him like a hawk. I feel like if I am prepared. For him to hurt me again, it wont hurt so bad next time, if heaven help me there is a next time.. But I feel like I could start trusting him again, I just don't know who I am anymore if I am not the destroyed woman who was betrayed so cruelly.

How have the bs that chose to stay, for better or worse, push through the days where one part of you is ready to leave it in it's vile dark hole where it belongs and the other part is afraid to let it go...afraid to let your guard down??
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Old 05-01-2012, 04:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Almost a year since his ONS...want to move on from it already

To be perfectly honest, I did a lot of talking to myself. I would pace a room, hashing out stuff, yelling to my imaginary wife, even at the OM, saying a lot of bad, cruel things to get it off my chest when nobody else was in the room.

It might sound crazy, but it helped release some emotions and calm me down a bit. I still, a year later, sometimes think about things that infuriate me. But the good stuff is outweighing the bad at this point.

Regarding wanting to leave, the biggest thing I've learned is to be patient with yourself and not act out, don't make big decisions while emotional.
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Old 05-01-2012, 05:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
To be perfectly honest, I did a lot of talking to myself. I would pace a room, hashing out stuff, yelling to my imaginary wife, even at the OM, saying a lot of bad, cruel things to get it off my chest when nobody else was in the room.

It might sound crazy, but it helped release some emotions and calm me down a bit. I still, a year later, sometimes think about things that infuriate me. But the good stuff is outweighing the bad at this point.

Regarding wanting to leave, the biggest thing I've learned is to be patient with yourself and not act out, don't make big decisions while emotional.
Oh not crazy at all...I have had many one sides conversations to the mirror pretending I am talking to my fiance or to the woman he slept with. I love him more than I hate him..and I can't imagine not being with him despite everything. He knows if he puts me through anymore I am out. I don't think the evil part of him that purposefully hurt me is waiting to make his next move. I am just afraid that the moment I say "ok, it is done. Something good must come from all the pain" the shoe will drop. I want to marry this man annd raise our children together, I just know I can't walk down the isle until this is behind us and I feel whole again.
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Almost a year since his ONS...want to move on from it already

I may be playing catch up here, but have you set a wedding date? If you have, I'd think long and hard about backing it up or leaving it open for awhile. Give youself some time to heal before taking the leap.
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Almost a year since his ONS...want to move on from it already

This is really tough stuff. Our situations are slightly different, but I feel the same tension many days. Have our spouses learned enough about themselves, changed enough to avoid this betrayal again? Have they realized that their short-sighted, selfish indulgence robbed us of a very precious gift - the gift of trust?

Sadly, we will never know. There are no guarantees. Just as there are no guarantees we will not betray them - in a similar or different way. There are no guarantees.

Does he know how torn you are? How does he react?
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Almost a year since his ONS...want to move on from it already

Wedding was supposed to be last november, but was put thrway, he knowoff due to our issues, I rescheduled it for sept 23...a year and 1 day from the time he told me what he had done. My way of reclaiming those days I guess. I am debating whether to postpone indefinitely again...not because I don't want to be his wife, but because I only want to be married once and have a good marriage at that. Thrway, he knows how I feel, he feels badly, though wants the mentioning of it to go away like yesterday.
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Almost a year since his ONS...want to move on from it already

To salvage a relationship from infidelity takes guts and determination. We all have to push thru the hard days. I spent a lot of time having long discussions w/ my imaginary therapist, until I finally got a real one, which helped a lot more.
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Almost a year since his ONS...want to move on from it already

Do not marry him.

No no no.
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Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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