I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate.
And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok. I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.
You can't change anybody but urself...what is it you want to change about you? What can you do that will "fix" ur mess? This is all you, he didn't make you do anything you didn't want to, the BF was just the guy who was handy, he didn't make you do anything. Think long and hard, put urself in his shoes, what would you want...
Mouse
So my wife recently cheated on me, and I am still processing this. So I may be able to offer some insight to your husband.
Now, I want to make sure I read this correct:
Did you actually ask if you can stay in contact with the OM? Because if you did, I am surprised he didn't kick you out the second you asked. What you just said was "I know I strayed, and had sex with someone else, but I am not ready to give them up emotionally."
Surprised he isn't taking this well?
How about we reverse the situation and he cheated. Would you be ok with him emailing and talking to the woman he was having the affair with?
As for him immersing himself in work.
This may be his way to dealing with his problem. We all have our own ways, and this is his.
It almost sounds like he has mentally checked himself out of this marriage.
Also, how hard have you actually worked to rebuilding his trust? Besides offering your passwords, have you told him you'll be more transparent, and then done it? Like, are you still going out without him? Are you trying to make him feel loved? Are you going out of your way to do any of this?
i felt thatmy husband cheated on me,by staying in contact with her ex,altho there were no PA happened since they are on both sides of the world,but then i caught their convey thru Ymessenger,for me its an affair waiting to happen...up until now i cannot look my husband in the eye the same way as i did before,i just wish i knew then what i know now,it will be hard to leave my husband now,we have a daughter..i want to leave him for a long time already, i dont know if i still love him.but i would stay with himi whenever needed. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you to everyone who offered insightful advice.
His work issue has been addressed in MC. He refuses to believe that it's an issue.
I have asked him repeatedly and he continues to tell me that he wants this marriage. He says he loves me and wants us to work. I don't think he's going anywhere.
I just don't know what to do about him working. I want to work on us and feel loved again. I will do the work it takes until we can get there. But with him working all the time there is nothing I can do. He is for the most part unavailable.
Funny how you avoided talking about the other man that everyone's been posting about. So, are you still trying to maintain that friendship or not? I think you already know that that's the reason he's immersing himself at work. You just don't want to admit it because it puts you in a position of having to abandon the friendship with your boyfriend.
My X did the samthing, blame her cheating on the job, it was all my fault for having the job thing while she was so busy making herself happy....and I love the "A" typical there is nothing I can do crap. Sorry missy, you'll gain no sympathy from me.
Mouse
His work issue has been addressed in MC. He refuses to believe that it's an issue.
He is correct. It's a symptom, not the issue.
He isn't distanced because he works too much. He works too much because he is distanced. As to the reason for that, well, you know it better than anyone here, even if you don't want to take any blame.
Funny how you avoided talking about the other man that everyone's been posting about. So, are you still trying to maintain that friendship or not? I think you already know that that's the reason he's immersing himself at work. You just don't want to admit it because it puts you in a position of having to abandon the friendship with your boyfriend.
Anyone who thinks I'm not remorseful isn't paying attention. I have already said I'm to blame for the affair. It was my fault and I don't blame my husband.
No I will not talk about the OM as the last time I did I was called a liar and stopped getting advice. I want advice for my marriage not to talk about things that people will use to try to say that I am lying (when I am not). What good will that do?
Well it sounds to me, like you are expecting him to put as much effort into rebuilding the relationship as you should.
And because he is putting 90% of his effort into his work, the other 10% into his relationship, you feel like you are being neglected.
Well, who's fault is that?
You were the one who broke the back of the relationship. He didn't do it any favors by working so much, but you were the one that broke the back.
It honestly sounds to me, like he is just staying with you to avoid having to deal with the expenses of divorce. It is probably cheaper for him. From how you describe the relationship, it sounds like he sees you more as a room mate, and wants to keep it that way, than anything else.
There is nothing you can do to make him come around. Only he can do that. All you can do is help rebuild the love and trust that you destroyed.
Maybe he'll come around one day or maybe he'll walk out. It's the price we pay when we cheat. If he comes back to you then make sure you don't waste your 2nd chance.
If he leaves you then you learned a very valuable lesson of what not to do in your next relationship.
It's gonna depend on how long you can wait around for him though, or if you're willing to wait for him to come back to you emotionally. It sounds like you're getting a little frustrated right now since it's not moving along as quickly as you think it should.
I'm doing XXX and he's not showing me XXX, not gonna work that way. He's hurt and wounded and he's protecting himself right now.
His life will never be the same because of you and your actions and he's angry because he can't change it. He's putting up a wall to protect himself - if he can convince himself not to care, it might not hurt so bad.
Get him back into counseling - you need help penetrating that wall. Otherwise, he's going to throw himself into his work (or other activities) to distract himself from dealing with your infidelity.
Having been on his side of the fence, keeping busy keeps the thoughts at bay - and if we can keep our minds busy enough, we don't have to feel (or deal with) the emotions. It's self destructive behavior, but we don't know what else to do - we don't want to hurt anymore.
Given what you've said, I would also be concerned about his physical well being - stress unaddressed can do major damage.
Anyone who thinks I'm not remorseful isn't paying attention. I have already said I'm to blame for the affair. It was my fault and I don't blame my husband.
No I will not talk about the OM as the last time I did I was called a liar and stopped getting advice. I want advice for my marriage not to talk about things that people will use to try to say that I am lying (when I am not). What good will that do?
Taking responsibility for your actions is a big step - and feeling true remorse is essential. Kudos for doing a couple of things right - but your job isn't done yet - and may never be.
Right now you need to be supportive and understanding of his feelings. There's no magic bullet that's going to bring him back into the relationship you desire. He needs time to heal - and you need to be patient. You've broken his trust, and it can take years to earn it back.
Keep doing what you're doing - show him you love him (actions speak louder than words) and stop expecting things from him. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders right now and your expectations are making that burden even heavier to bear.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but no strategy will work long term if you refuse to stop contact with your affair partner. I understand why you don't want to talk about it but while he's still in the picture you're beyond help.
64Likes
Re: I Cheated, Distant H forever?? 
I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.
