I cheated and was wrong I know that really. It seems my H doesn't love me as passionately as he did before. I fear he'll never love me like he used to. I know people here have been through this. Did you ever love your WS as much after you found out about the affair?
He says that part of him still doesn't trust me. I don't know if I can continue on if he is going to hold this over my head the rest of my life and not forgive me. I try to do what I can so he can forgive but it never seems like enough. I want his love back but I don't know that it will ever come.
Well given the fact you asked your husband whether you could remain friends with the guy you cheated with AFTER he forgave you....... I don't think he'll be all flowers and roses anytime soon. I'm actually baffled why he's still married to you after that little "request"
It can take years for him to be intimate with you again. Don't forget you cheated and he gifted you with forgiveness. You shouldn't be asking anything at this point.
Trust will come in time. Right now he's feeling betrayed, you broke...well so many things that make up the vow of marriage. Put yourself in his shoes, what would you want to make you feel better? All phones, passwords must be open for his inspection, give him the times and places you'll be all day long, let him know you don't have anything to hide, be the open book he needs right now. Many marriages get thru this but it's EXTREAMLY hard and requires a lot of work from both. There is a good chance he no longer wants to be married, he may be looking into his options. This is your world, you made him the ship just passing thru, it's up to you to weigh his anchor and keep his boat afloat.
Good Luck, pray for wisdon, feel his pain and act accordingly.
Mouse
Tasha, your marriage will never be the same. You are no longer the girl of his hopes and dreams, the fairy tale is gone, the story has changed. You can reconcile and have a good and loving and trusting marriage if you work hard for it but even in full recovery - years from now he won't look at you in the same way - he will always keep a bit of his heart protected.
You have to work at this, you have to give him time, be transparent and understand that he will trigger years from now.....and it's his timeline not yours - you can never tell him or act in a manner thT you demand that he just gets over it. Posted via Mobile Device
How long has it been since your husband found out about the affair?
It's only been a few months since the OM came back around and you asked your husband if you can be freinds with the OM.
It takes 2 - 5 years for the betrayed spouse to recover from an affair.
What have you been doing to prove to your husband that you can be trusted?
I've offered passwords but he just says that he trusts me. He says he doesn't want to divorce and that he loves me. I tell him that I love him and that it wont happen again. I try to be transparent. I ask if he forgives me. That's what I do. Right now I feel like I'm living through a love drought.
TashaB,
I've just read this in one of your old threads: "I've known him all of my life, I love him. But i'm in love with my husband. What do I do? It feels hard to breath. I want his friendship back. Doesn't he deserve a 2nd chance too?"
I don't know the whole story but if you still maintain ANY kind of contact with this guy, there's no hope. And no, your old friend never deserved a second chance.
And yes, things will improve. I would recommend no guy friends (at all for the moment), no FB (close your account), and lots of patience. It could take a year or 2 but he's still there isn't he? It probably won't be like before.
I've offered passwords but he just says that he trusts me. He says he doesn't want to divorce and that he loves me. I tell him that I love him and that it wont happen again. I try to be transparent. I ask if he forgives me. That's what I do. Right now I feel like I'm living through a love drought.
Write your passwords down and put the paper in a place that he can access at anytime. Just tell him that they are there for him should he ever want to check out anything.
The dynamics of your marriage have changed. Your husband might still be suffering from depression.. .most BS go through a pretty serious depression that can linger for a long time.
Asking him if he forgives you does nothing to build his trust in you. Instead you need to ask him what he needs for you to do. He might just say nothing except have no more to do with the OM. But that's something isn't it?
You most likely are living through a love drought. He's not punishing you, he is just dealing with some very heavy emotional issues. He's view of who you are has most likely done a 180. You are not the person he thought he married. Instead you are a person who is willing to tear his heart out... that's a hard thing for him to come to term with.
If you truely love him you will stick by him through these hard times. You caused this. You caused his pain. So now your job is to help him heal... by being trustworthy and loving him no matter how distant he might be at this time.
You seem more concerned about the discomfort you are going through then about his pain.
Time will tell. It is , relatively, rare that a relationship thrives after infidelity. I think about 30% stay together and a fair % are unhappy.
Many men, initially, want to reconcile but change their minds at about the 18month mark.
So, wait and see.
I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate.
And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok. I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.
I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate.
And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok. I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.
Have you guys been through any kind of couple therapy? Seems like he could have lots of bottled up anger.
I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate.
And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok. I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.
Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Get the books, read them and work through them with your husband. I would also encourage the two of you to call Dr. Harley and have a least a couple of phone couseling sessions. Dr. Harley also has some very good marriage weekend type sessions that are supposed to be very good at putting a marriage back on track.
While you did cheat, I understand the feeling you have of being in a marriage with no passion. A passionaless marriage is a very hard thing to live with. So look to build passion back into your marriage. If your husband will not join you in this, you can start the process on your own. Dr. Harley (MarriageBuilders.com) talks about doing this.
Well, it's needed and in your case, urgent. There's a limit to everything.
I think that people cheat for a reason. Could be of something lacking in the relationship or that simply the 2 were simply never meant to be together.
Remember also that everything changes.... relationships as well as people. Some couples develop a stronger bond after infidelity. Everything is possible. But again, is the OM is still in the picture it's a major road block to the progress of this relationship. For men, knowing that our sweetheart had sex with another is the worst thing possible. If the OM is still around, it's like a knife hanging over his head.
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I Cheated, Distant H forever?? 
Re: I Cheated, Distant H forever?? 
I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.
