This is really hard but I am going to try to lay out all of the facts. Any advice from those who have gone through this would be really appreciated.
I am in the military and I met my wife while being stationed in Turkey. She speaks perfect English, better than most Americans in fact. We dated for about a year, fell in love and decided to get married. Right away our marriage had issues. We would fight over stupid stuff and there was a large culture shock for both of us once she moved in. After I took her virginity on our wedding night her sexual appetite seemed insatiable. One night she screamed that she wish she had sex with other men before we were married so that she would know what it was like. For me that was nearly a deal breaker there but I chose to forgive her since she knew I had lots of partners before her and divorcing her in a Muslim country seemed very cruel.
Things got progressively better and I eventually received orders to move to Germany. Once we arrived she became extremely needy which I understood because it was her first time away from her home country and her family. She started saying she needed me to hold her, play with her hair for hours, and if I didn't I was pushing her away. There were days when I did this, for hours, but there were a lot of days I didn't/couldn't. I was in a mobility unit and I was not always home.
Since she had no desire to make friends with the spouses groups she was very lonely and started to chum up with my male friends. I was always very uncomfortable with this but I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to tell her she could not be friends with them because then I would be all that she had. At the same time her having any type of male friends really irritated me since I slowly stopped contact with all of my female friends after getting married. My wife would seem to get jealous and uncomfortable so I did what I thought was best for us. Eventually I noticed that some of my male friends had become her friends and I was no longer part of the circle. My gut told me something was very wrong. She would go out shopping with one of them very often and go over to his house to hang out. During this time something in our marriage changed. Sex pretty much stopped almost altogether and she was not nearly as loving or caring (this continues to this day). She would tell me that she tried to fix our marriage during the first couple of years and that she was done. She said if I wanted to work on the marriage to go ahead but it seemed like nothing I ever did was enough or appreciated (again this continues to today). I confronted her when I found pictures he had taken of her with her wearing a pullover of his (she said she was cold). The pictures could only be described as glam poses with bedroom eyes. She convinced me that I was over reacting and that it was my imagination. I wanted to believe it and I had a hard time believing she would cheat on me since she came from a Muslim country and he would get an article 15 from the military and be punished if he touched her (later I found out he probably didn't care about any type of punishment since he frequented the prostitutes all over Germany).
They got into an argument of some type after a few months and she told me he threatened to start rumors that she was cheating on me. My initial reaction was to protect my wife's honor so I called him and told him I heard any such rumor I would immediately report it to our First Sergeant and tell him who started it. As far as I could tell they didn't have contact after that.
Months later another friend she had poached from me who was really close to the 1st male needed a place to stay. My wife volunteered our house and he ended up staying with us for about 3 months. After he left the country my wife developed a new male friend (let's call him male3) who was a customer from the insurance company she worked for. She started spending a lot of time with him and even went sightseeing in Paris with him while I was deployed (it was only a few hours drive).
During our last year in Germany my wife started to push really hard to have a baby. Now I am pretty sure it is mine because I had her take 6 months to prepare to get pregnant. If it was an accident she was trying to cover up then it would have to be immediate.
My wife had the baby in Germany and soon after we move back to the states for my next assignment. During this time my wife seemed to get depressed and kept having strange systems that her doctor said were psychosomatic. I had to deploy again after our daughter's 1st birthday. Male3 was back in the states around this time too so my wife invited him to stay with her for a few weeks and go sightseeing in the capitol. My wife also stayed with my grandparents and a male cousin who sponges off of them while I was deployed. She let me know that she felt really bad for my cousin who had a vast history with drugs and whose life is a mess. She also said he really liked her and he tried to kiss her once but she told him it couldn't happen.
Fast forward to today. My wife and I have now been married 9 years. I had to get a copy of her medical records for a new assignment so she gave written consent for her doctor to provide me with her medical records. After her records were reviewed the copies were given back to me for destruction. As I feed the papers to our shredder I see the following statement from 3 years ago. I believe HA = headache
also c/o HA:
-daily
-able to sleep
-"always stressed"
"I have something to tell you that I have not told anyone else even my husband"
-reports sexual indisretion 4 years ago
-"it's the last thing I think about before falling asleep and the first thing I think about waking up"
-lots of guilt
-worsening stress and anxiety recently
-around time of HA
-feels jittery; "my hands just randomly shake"
-not well r/w tylenol
When I saw this my world crumbled. I had no idea the feelings of betrayal could be so strong and no I have to call into question everyhting. My wife has been in Turkey for the last 6 months and won't return until the 30th. She was originally only supposed to be there for three months to visit her family and attend her brother's wedding while I go to a mandatory military class but she ran into some medical issues and decided she wanted some procedures done in Turkey like I boob and nose job (even though I told her fake boobs are a huge turn off for me).
I confronted her on the phone a few days ago and her initial reaction was to coldly state that she was going to sue the military and her doctor for letting me find out. Then she said we would need to get divorced since she could no longer live in the same house as me. She refused to answer any questions I had on the affair and eventually only told me the following: It was some guy I didn't know and never met, she met him at a club, it happened twice, they used a condom. She said there was nothing else I needed to know and not to investigate her. She told me she couldn't take it if I treated her like I didn't trust her and that she needs her privacy (this is without me asking even asking for transparency). To my shame I pleaded for her to give our marriage another shot and work through this. I told her I wasn't the best husband in the early years of our marriage but that now that everything is in the open we can work it out. I told her that she has probably had a lot of misplaced anger in me due to her affair which has caused her to be so b*tchy these last 7 years (she has been angry a lot and like I said earlier our marriage seemed to change). I promised not to mention the affair again unless she brings it up. She said she would try to and come back with "the right attitude". She called me back an hour later and told me she let her mom know. I told her now she damaged her parent's relationship because there is no way her mom can tell her father. Her mom advised her to not come home since she is afraid I will kill my wife. I convinced her that I would never kill her adulterous daughter(true) and that it was safe to come home. I am desperate to keep my family together and I don't want to see my daughter grow up in a broken home. So far every time I talk to her I see no signs of remorse. Last night she was even having a party at her parents' house and drinking with her friends. She told me she would call me back later that night but she never did. It is no almost 10pm the next day and I still haven't heard from her. I think I backed myself into a corner with my initial promises and I can't go on as things are. I have a very hard time believing that she told me everything considering the history. If she did tell me everything then her picking up a guy at a bar had to have been premeditated. What kind of wife does that? I have a meeting with a divorce lawyer on Friday to find out what my legal options are.
I am in the military and I met my wife while being stationed in Turkey. She speaks perfect English, better than most Americans in fact. We dated for about a year, fell in love and decided to get married. Right away our marriage had issues. We would fight over stupid stuff and there was a large culture shock for both of us once she moved in. After I took her virginity on our wedding night her sexual appetite seemed insatiable. One night she screamed that she wish she had sex with other men before we were married so that she would know what it was like. For me that was nearly a deal breaker there but I chose to forgive her since she knew I had lots of partners before her and divorcing her in a Muslim country seemed very cruel.
Things got progressively better and I eventually received orders to move to Germany. Once we arrived she became extremely needy which I understood because it was her first time away from her home country and her family. She started saying she needed me to hold her, play with her hair for hours, and if I didn't I was pushing her away. There were days when I did this, for hours, but there were a lot of days I didn't/couldn't. I was in a mobility unit and I was not always home.
Since she had no desire to make friends with the spouses groups she was very lonely and started to chum up with my male friends. I was always very uncomfortable with this but I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to tell her she could not be friends with them because then I would be all that she had. At the same time her having any type of male friends really irritated me since I slowly stopped contact with all of my female friends after getting married. My wife would seem to get jealous and uncomfortable so I did what I thought was best for us. Eventually I noticed that some of my male friends had become her friends and I was no longer part of the circle. My gut told me something was very wrong. She would go out shopping with one of them very often and go over to his house to hang out. During this time something in our marriage changed. Sex pretty much stopped almost altogether and she was not nearly as loving or caring (this continues to this day). She would tell me that she tried to fix our marriage during the first couple of years and that she was done. She said if I wanted to work on the marriage to go ahead but it seemed like nothing I ever did was enough or appreciated (again this continues to today). I confronted her when I found pictures he had taken of her with her wearing a pullover of his (she said she was cold). The pictures could only be described as glam poses with bedroom eyes. She convinced me that I was over reacting and that it was my imagination. I wanted to believe it and I had a hard time believing she would cheat on me since she came from a Muslim country and he would get an article 15 from the military and be punished if he touched her (later I found out he probably didn't care about any type of punishment since he frequented the prostitutes all over Germany).
They got into an argument of some type after a few months and she told me he threatened to start rumors that she was cheating on me. My initial reaction was to protect my wife's honor so I called him and told him I heard any such rumor I would immediately report it to our First Sergeant and tell him who started it. As far as I could tell they didn't have contact after that.
Months later another friend she had poached from me who was really close to the 1st male needed a place to stay. My wife volunteered our house and he ended up staying with us for about 3 months. After he left the country my wife developed a new male friend (let's call him male3) who was a customer from the insurance company she worked for. She started spending a lot of time with him and even went sightseeing in Paris with him while I was deployed (it was only a few hours drive).
During our last year in Germany my wife started to push really hard to have a baby. Now I am pretty sure it is mine because I had her take 6 months to prepare to get pregnant. If it was an accident she was trying to cover up then it would have to be immediate.
My wife had the baby in Germany and soon after we move back to the states for my next assignment. During this time my wife seemed to get depressed and kept having strange systems that her doctor said were psychosomatic. I had to deploy again after our daughter's 1st birthday. Male3 was back in the states around this time too so my wife invited him to stay with her for a few weeks and go sightseeing in the capitol. My wife also stayed with my grandparents and a male cousin who sponges off of them while I was deployed. She let me know that she felt really bad for my cousin who had a vast history with drugs and whose life is a mess. She also said he really liked her and he tried to kiss her once but she told him it couldn't happen.
Fast forward to today. My wife and I have now been married 9 years. I had to get a copy of her medical records for a new assignment so she gave written consent for her doctor to provide me with her medical records. After her records were reviewed the copies were given back to me for destruction. As I feed the papers to our shredder I see the following statement from 3 years ago. I believe HA = headache
also c/o HA:
-daily
-able to sleep
-"always stressed"
"I have something to tell you that I have not told anyone else even my husband"
-reports sexual indisretion 4 years ago
-"it's the last thing I think about before falling asleep and the first thing I think about waking up"
-lots of guilt
-worsening stress and anxiety recently
-around time of HA
-feels jittery; "my hands just randomly shake"
-not well r/w tylenol
When I saw this my world crumbled. I had no idea the feelings of betrayal could be so strong and no I have to call into question everyhting. My wife has been in Turkey for the last 6 months and won't return until the 30th. She was originally only supposed to be there for three months to visit her family and attend her brother's wedding while I go to a mandatory military class but she ran into some medical issues and decided she wanted some procedures done in Turkey like I boob and nose job (even though I told her fake boobs are a huge turn off for me).
I confronted her on the phone a few days ago and her initial reaction was to coldly state that she was going to sue the military and her doctor for letting me find out. Then she said we would need to get divorced since she could no longer live in the same house as me. She refused to answer any questions I had on the affair and eventually only told me the following: It was some guy I didn't know and never met, she met him at a club, it happened twice, they used a condom. She said there was nothing else I needed to know and not to investigate her. She told me she couldn't take it if I treated her like I didn't trust her and that she needs her privacy (this is without me asking even asking for transparency). To my shame I pleaded for her to give our marriage another shot and work through this. I told her I wasn't the best husband in the early years of our marriage but that now that everything is in the open we can work it out. I told her that she has probably had a lot of misplaced anger in me due to her affair which has caused her to be so b*tchy these last 7 years (she has been angry a lot and like I said earlier our marriage seemed to change). I promised not to mention the affair again unless she brings it up. She said she would try to and come back with "the right attitude". She called me back an hour later and told me she let her mom know. I told her now she damaged her parent's relationship because there is no way her mom can tell her father. Her mom advised her to not come home since she is afraid I will kill my wife. I convinced her that I would never kill her adulterous daughter(true) and that it was safe to come home. I am desperate to keep my family together and I don't want to see my daughter grow up in a broken home. So far every time I talk to her I see no signs of remorse. Last night she was even having a party at her parents' house and drinking with her friends. She told me she would call me back later that night but she never did. It is no almost 10pm the next day and I still haven't heard from her. I think I backed myself into a corner with my initial promises and I can't go on as things are. I have a very hard time believing that she told me everything considering the history. If she did tell me everything then her picking up a guy at a bar had to have been premeditated. What kind of wife does that? I have a meeting with a divorce lawyer on Friday to find out what my legal options are.