One other thing, just to be clear, is that exposure isn't about revenge. It's a way to pop the fantasy of the affair. If you had proof, I can't imagine her husband allowing her to work with or contact your husband again.
It can also put the people in your lives on notice that GF isn't someone he met after you separated.
But I would bet these two have had something going on, an EA at least, that predates your marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
One other thing, just to be clear, is that exposure isn't about revenge. It's a way to pop the fantasy of the affair. If you had proof, I can't imagine her husband allowing her to work with or contact your husband again.
It can also put the people in your lives on notice that GF isn't someone he met after you separated.
But I would bet these two have had something going on, an EA at least, that predates your marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
They were both single for quite a while before she met her husband and then, much later, he met me, and for whatever reason they never got together.
I can pinpoint when his behavior changed; it was September of last year. That's when I noticed him being more discreet about texting and asked to see his phone. Right after that I broke my ankle and couldn't go to his house for about 3 months; he always had to come see me. I was also working days in the office at work instead of my normal schedule with lots of days off, so we got less time together. I think he started to resent it. It's been downhill from there. His dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a month ago and given about 6 months, so I know that's not helping, but he should be leaning on me right now, not running from me. His dad's cancer isn't what caused him to act like this, so I'm not going to let him use it as a cop out for it.
Florida is a no-fault state and we were only married 11 months, so it's not like proof of an affair gets me anything legally.
I live in Florida, I just went through a divorce a few months ago. If you've only been married for 11 months, dont share a residence, have no children and no joint finances you would be wasting your money getting a lawyer. This is cut and dry, you won't need a lawyer.
I live in Florida, I just went through a divorce a few months ago. If you've only been married for 11 months, dont share a residence, have no children and no joint finances you would be wasting your money getting a lawyer. This is cut and dry, you won't need a lawyer.
If that's what happens I'm hoping to make him pay all the divorce fees at a minimum, and I'm wondering if there is any chance of getting any of my dad's money back for the wedding (I'm thinking that's a separate civil case, but not positive). My dad and I paid for almost everything, which was quite a hardship on my dad because my stepmom had just died very unexpectedly and my dad doesn't work.
So if anyone is curious, we talked for over an hour. He said he had just hit his breaking point with all of the fighting. He said he still loved me but didn't want to keep fighting with me any more. I told him I didn't understand how he could throw away 3 1/2 years together and 11 months of marriage without even going to the second counseling session. He said he doesn't think he needs counseling, I do. He said he knows he loses it and shouldn't yell and say the things he does to me when he gets upset with me, but he wouldn't do that if I wouldn't "nag and interrogate" him. I told him I nagged and interrogated him because he didn't tell me anything. I told him the issues with the texts and the coworker issues had made it very hard for me to trust him (brought up a few of the ones I had already confronted him on in the past, didn't bring up anything else).
Anyway, I'm going to continue IC even though he doesn't want to do MC. We agreed to talk in 2 weeks and see if he feels any differently about trying to work things out. I will continue trying to work through my feelings until then. As far as his coworker, there isn't a lot I can do right now. I'm still not willing to pay for a PI, so for now I'm going to have to just leave it alone.
I think that was the wise way to play it for now. You weren't ready to go in full guns blazing, better to get organized first.
Only you know how long you can take being in limbo, where he doesn't fully recommit to the marriage but doesn't see the point in going to the trouble to divorce.
I know you're disappointed that he won't go to MC. But as I think I said before, MC doesn't work when there are 3 people in the marriage. If he didn't admit to an EA, and kept her on the side as the backup option (or kept you at MC as the backup option), there is no way you could have the type of soul-baring conversations and true attempts at change that would turn your marriage around.
This is classic advice on this forum, but I should know--I went to at least 6 mos. of MC with my husband fully back in his EA--all unbeknownst to me.
I'm glad you aren't the least bit fooled by his blame-shifting. By husband was VERY irritable during his EA, picked fights almost constantly. I really thought I was losing it as a communicator and couldn't penetrate his mind. Of course now I realize why!
The only way to crack through the shell that's hardening around him is to break up the affair that he almost surely is in. EAs (or PAs; we should probably assume it's the latter, they have plenty of opportunity), are the purest of fantasy fluff. They don't want to face the music by breaking up FIRST with one partner before taking up with another one. They are off in a dream world with sparkly fairies who sprinkle pixie dust all over them.
Reality has to break through. But there are lots of problems that you have, that make your situation worse than average
--you don't live in the same town
--neither one of you has family or friends in that town
--you can't pay for a PI
--you don't have access to his apartment, car, computer, or cell phone
--if I understand correctly, he doesn't rely on you financially.
So all you have left in your toolbox are exposure and divorce. These are still the main tools everyone else has, but your ability to expose is muted because of lack of hard evidence. It doesn't take much--just one cellphone bill with calls at 3 a.m. or first thing Sunday morning, days they aren't working together, 100's of texts, etc., is all it would take.
But at some point, you have nothing at all to lose. You will never see that woman and her family ever again, anyhow. If I were you, I'd get my ducks in a row. You can print Fla. divorce papers off the Internet I imagine, and they look plenty official. Gather your contact points for his and her family and if he doesn't come around, the plan I outlined before with exposure from the town hotel followed immediately by presenting divorce papers at the store, with a "it's me or her" speech is how I'd handle it if I were in your shoes.
I think that was the wise way to play it for now. You weren't ready to go in full guns blazing, better to get organized first.
Only you know how long you can take being in limbo, where he doesn't fully recommit to the marriage but doesn't see the point in going to the trouble to divorce.
I know you're disappointed that he won't go to MC. But as I think I said before, MC doesn't work when there are 3 people in the marriage. If he didn't admit to an EA, and kept her on the side as the backup option (or kept you at MC as the backup option), there is no way you could have the type of soul-baring conversations and true attempts at change that would turn your marriage around.
This is classic advice on this forum, but I should know--I went to at least 6 mos. of MC with my husband fully back in his EA--all unbeknownst to me.
I'm glad you aren't the least bit fooled by his blame-shifting. By husband was VERY irritable during his EA, picked fights almost constantly. I really thought I was losing it as a communicator and couldn't penetrate his mind. Of course now I realize why!
The only way to crack through the shell that's hardening around him is to break up the affair that he almost surely is in. EAs (or PAs; we should probably assume it's the latter, they have plenty of opportunity), are the purest of fantasy fluff. They don't want to face the music by breaking up FIRST with one partner before taking up with another one. They are off in a dream world with sparkly fairies who sprinkle pixie dust all over them.
Reality has to break through. But there are lots of problems that you have, that make your situation worse than average
--you don't live in the same town
--neither one of you has family or friends in that town
--you can't pay for a PI
--you don't have access to his apartment, car, computer, or cell phone
--if I understand correctly, he doesn't rely on you financially.
So all you have left in your toolbox are exposure and divorce. These are still the main tools everyone else has, but your ability to expose is muted because of lack of hard evidence. It doesn't take much--just one cellphone bill with calls at 3 a.m. or first thing Sunday morning, days they aren't working together, 100's of texts, etc., is all it would take.
But at some point, you have nothing at all to lose. You will never see that woman and her family ever again, anyhow. If I were you, I'd get my ducks in a row. You can print Fla. divorce papers off the Internet I imagine, and they look plenty official. Gather your contact points for his and her family and if he doesn't come around, the plan I outlined before with exposure from the town hotel followed immediately by presenting divorce papers at the store, with a "it's me or her" speech is how I'd handle it if I were in your shoes.
I think for now I am just going to wait to see what happens in two weeks. It sucks, but if I push him for more he will freak. He did say he is going to spend a week with his dad during the two weeks, which I think might help things. I think it will really depend on how things go in two weeks how to proceed. I don't think I'm going to get anywhere with getting him to admit to anything with his coworker until I can get into his house or car. I am going to have to actually have indisputable evidence in order for him to admit it.
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Re: I want to work it out, but I think he cheated 
