My husband and I have only been married 11 months, and have been living 2 hours apart the whole time. He was supposed to be trying to find a job in my area since we were dating, but it doesn't appear that he has been looking for a very long time, although he says he has. He is a retail manager and his company told him they would be opening a big new store in his area next year, so I think he might be wanting to stay there for that, although he doesn't say that.
Since September there have been a lot of trust issues because I have felt like he hides texts and things from me. I also feel like he has an inappropriate relationship with one of his female employees and has mislead me about their relationship (is she just an employee, are they friends, are they good friends?). I get a lot of different answers from him when I ask about this stuff, which I know in my heart means he is hiding stuff and not being honest and just can't keep the lies straight. I guess I just want to think it's not because he's cheating; it's for any other reason. We went to one session of counseling together and the counselor suggested that based on his background he is probably just avoiding conflict at any cost.
Our relationship deteriorated more and more as I nagged him more and more about inconsistencies I found with everything (deleting texts when he agreed to leave them for me to see, allowing a female coworker to come over to his home for over an hour one evening, not looking for a job in my area), and he began to threaten divorce every time I would bring up a topic he didn't want to talk about. I started us in counseling a few weeks ago, and the night before the second session he got upset with me and said he was done with the relationship and left. He took my key to his place and said he would bring all my stuff to me. I'm torn between trying to convince him to come back to counseling and telling him to go to hell. Even if we do divorce, I feel very strongly that there was at the least an EA if not an PA, and I feel like I need to know about it to move on. Will he ever admit that, though?
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I haven't really thought about the future that much, but when I die I think I'll go back to doing whatever I was doing for the fifteen billion years before I was born.
no proof, just strong suspicion. mainly with one particular employee. He tells her stuff in texts he doesn't even tell me. When she needed a place to come with her baby for a few hours when her car broke down right after we started dating (they had just set off bug bombs in the house) she called him and asked if she could bring the baby over. I wanted to play with the baby, but he said it wasn't appropriate for us to stay at the house with her because she was his employee, so we went out somewhere. But a few months ago she had another baby and came by his house with the baby for over an hour, just her and him. What's up with that? She asked him in a text if he was moving and he told her he wouldn't go far and would always be there for her. This is a person he had always told me was just an employee up till then. And that came at a time that he and I had been discussing trying to find a position with his company out of state, so I felt betrayed that he would tell her he wasn't actually considering that when he and I had discussed it.
He is almost surely in an emotional affair with her.
I would get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass ASAP. It's a long, thorough, detailed book that takes you from where you are now to where you are trying to go step by step by step.
Do you have any ability to see his cell phone bills? This will give you an idea at least of the level of texting and phone calls between them.
But I think you already have more than enough to be extremely suspicious.
Your biggest problem is dealing with this long-distance. Do you have any relatives or friends in the area?
At the very least it's a totally unacceptable breach of boundaries.
For now, don't kick up too much dust (they hide things when threatened) but keep an eye out and log any evidence you can. If he is up to something, you will need it.
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I haven't really thought about the future that much, but when I die I think I'll go back to doing whatever I was doing for the fifteen billion years before I was born.
As far as your ambivalence: you should listen to those feelings. Your marriage is young, it sounds like you have no kids. You might be able to get an annulment but I think it has to happen within 12 mos. I would go to a lawyer and just talk about your options. This doesn't mean you are getting divorced or that the marriage can never be saved. But you need to know all of your alternatives to make the best choices.
He is almost surely in an emotional affair with her.
I would get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass ASAP. It's a long, thorough, detailed book that takes you from where you are now to where you are trying to go step by step by step.
Do you have any ability to see his cell phone bills? This will give you an idea at least of the level of texting and phone calls between them.
But I think you already have more than enough to be extremely suspicious.
Your biggest problem is dealing with this long-distance. Do you have any relatives or friends in the area?
No, I can't see his cell bill. We are on separate plans. Right now we are not seeing each other at all and I don't have any fam/friends there. In te past week since he walked out and refused to go to the second counseling session I was originally going wit the divorce/separation idea, thinking it might knock some sense into him to see that he can't run off and cry divorce every time I try to talk about something he doesn't like with him, but when I called him Tues night about getting my things he said he wanted to somehow get them to me without seeing me. He said he never wanted to see me again and not for me to ever call him again, as though he has something to be mad at me about. He has quite a temper, but it usually blows over pretty fast. I don't know where this is coming from.
I left him a voicemail today and told him he needs to be sure this is what he wants, because I'm not going to stay legally married to someone who doesn't even want to look at or speak to me, so I'm going to start moving forward legally if that's how he really feels. I also said I think I deserve an explanation as to where this has all come from, because I put a lot of time and effort into a relationship that he clearly wasn't really committed to if he can just drop it after one counseling session. I told him I think he owes me some answers so that I can have some closure. He sent me a text and said he will call me tonight.
I checked into an annulment but it is incredibly expensive, unless I could get him to pay for it, which I seriously doubt. And I don't really see the point. I mean, all my family and friends were at the wedding. They all know I was married. To get a judgement now saying it never happened seems strange to me. I was just rummaging for a pen in my purse yesterday and found the one we used to sign the guest book at the wedding.
I'm not going to get much more evidence of what they are doing unless we get back together, in which case I will be making it very clear that their relationship is to become strictly work. If we do go forward with a divorce I will be contacting his HR department about them, as it is an inappropriate relationship in HR's view.
There are some standard verification techniques that you can use.
You can hire a private investigator to follow him and to get precise information about this employee, i.e., is she married and who she's married to, criminal background, other details like that.
You can get a voice activated recorder and put it in his vehicle--to listen in and see if he's talking to her on the phone, or to hear what they say to each other if he drives her around.
When he says he never wants to see you again--it sounds like you are unclear on whether he said this because he has a nasty temper and is an extremely poor communicator, or whether he really means it.
I agree, that type of immature behavior shouldn't be tolerated.
So what is stopping you from moving back to where he is and putting the kibosh on his "friendship" with a woman with TWO babies?
There are some standard verification techniques that you can use.
You can hire a private investigator to follow him and to get precise information about this employee, i.e., is she married and who she's married to, criminal background, other details like that.
You can get a voice activated recorder and put it in his vehicle--to listen in and see if he's talking to her on the phone, or to hear what they say to each other if he drives her around.
When he says he never wants to see you again--it sounds like you are unclear on whether he said this because he has a nasty temper and is an extremely poor communicator, or whether he really means it.
I agree, that type of immature behavior shouldn't be tolerated.
So what is stopping you from moving back to where he is and putting the kibosh on his "friendship" with a woman with TWO babies?
I have checked her out myself already. She is married, and although her husband has a misdemeanor criminal background, she does not.
I never lived in his area, we have always apart with the intention of him moving to my area. I have a very good state job with very necessary insurance benefits and own my home in my area. I am not on his lease and under Florida law I don't believe I have any legal rights to his rental home if quitting my job and just showing up there was an option. I do not have access to his vehicle to put a VAR in it.
Please try to find the book Not Just Friends before you talk to your husband tonight. Can you download it to your phone? Barnes & Noble also lets you put a book on reserve via computer so you can go and get it ASAP.
Go straight to Chapter 3, Reaching the Moment of Revelation. I'd read that whole chapter before talking. You need to especially concentrate on pages 78-80 but you should also read pp. 70-77 because you may see some additional evidence of an emotional affair that didn't strike you that way before.
Because you have so little evidence, it's generally not recommended to confront, because what happens is that they will bury it deeper. But you've already let the cat out of the bag with your suspicions, so this shouldn't matter so much.
What I'm having a hard time sorting out is, what part of his behavior is just "him" and what part is the irrationality of what is known as "the fog." The initial stages of infatuation are very powerful, it is intense and it's quite hard to break up an affair at that stage short of actually filing for divorce. The filing shocks some affair partners out long enough to work to reconcile. But they still have intense difficulty breaking off contact with their partners.
However, your husband has jumped the gun and it sounds like he might want a divorce (if it isn't just another temper tantrum). In that case, your filing could have some effect but likely not much.
The other thing that shocks affair partners out of the fog is exposure. Exposure to the people he loves and respects the most. This is probably something you will have to use because he is so far gone. Having his parents or siblings or best friends call and say, what the heck happened???? ***with knowledge about the affair with married woman with two babies, if she is his AP*** is the key.
The other thing is exposing the affair to her husband. Obviously this will infuriate your husband, but if he is in an affair it is entirely justified that a married woman's husband should know how she spends her time.
The last thing--well--is exposure to the store. If he's in an affair, it is a sure violation of their policy. Yes, it's almost surely going to get him fired if you have proof. This is a "nuke" but IF he's in an affair he is going to have to go "no contact"--i.e., he is going to have to leave that town and the store with it to work elsewhere, anyhow. This may be something to keep in the back pocket.
You would want to do both exposures (his family and hers) at the same time if you go down that path.
Your biggest difficulty is proof; if you want to reconcile, I would hire a private investigator; find her parents and siblings, I'm sure they're around. If you don't want to spend that money--maybe because you need if it in the event you choose divorce--that is probably a big way to examine your feelings of ambivalence.
What's the poin tof being married if you don't live together, he hosts women at his house, he hides messages from you, he lies about his relationship with other women, and he threatens divorce everytime you bring up a concern?
Get an annullment. This isn't a marriage. It's a joke.
Please try to find the book Not Just Friends before you talk to your husband tonight. Can you download it to your phone? Barnes & Noble also lets you put a book on reserve via computer so you can go and get it ASAP.
Go straight to Chapter 3, Reaching the Moment of Revelation. I'd read that whole chapter before talking. You need to especially concentrate on pages 78-80 but you should also read pp. 70-77 because you may see some additional evidence of an emotional affair that didn't strike you that way before.
Because you have so little evidence, it's generally not recommended to confront, because what happens is that they will bury it deeper. But you've already let the cat out of the bag with your suspicions, so this shouldn't matter so much.
What I'm having a hard time sorting out is, what part of his behavior is just "him" and what part is the irrationality of what is known as "the fog." The initial stages of infatuation are very powerful, it is intense and it's quite hard to break up an affair at that stage short of actually filing for divorce. The filing shocks some affair partners out long enough to work to reconcile. But they still have intense difficulty breaking off contact with their partners.
However, your husband has jumped the gun and it sounds like he might want a divorce (if it isn't just another temper tantrum). In that case, your filing could have some effect but likely not much.
The other thing that shocks affair partners out of the fog is exposure. Exposure to the people he loves and respects the most. This is probably something you will have to use because he is so far gone. Having his parents or siblings or best friends call and say, what the heck happened???? ***with knowledge about the affair with married woman with two babies, if she is his AP*** is the key.
The other thing is exposing the affair to her husband. Obviously this will infuriate your husband, but if he is in an affair it is entirely justified that a married woman's husband should know how she spends her time.
The last thing--well--is exposure to the store. If he's in an affair, it is a sure violation of their policy. Yes, it's almost surely going to get him fired if you have proof. This is a "nuke" but IF he's in an affair he is going to have to go "no contact"--i.e., he is going to have to leave that town and the store with it to work elsewhere, anyhow. This may be something to keep in the back pocket.
You would want to do both exposures (his family and hers) at the same time if you go down that path.
Your biggest difficulty is proof; if you want to reconcile, I would hire a private investigator; find her parents and siblings, I'm sure they're around. If you don't want to spend that money--maybe because you need if it in the event you choose divorce--that is probably a big way to examine your feelings of ambivalence.
yes, I'm getting the book today. The only way I have to contact his friends and family is via facebook or snail mail. I don't have any of their phone numbers. He only has a few close friends, and none in the area where he lives, which I think has a lot to do with this. I can find her husband and a lot of her family via facebook as well. Her parents shouldn't be hard to find since they live in a very small town. Her husband's parents are very religious and would probably freak if I had any kind of proof at all. He recently promoted her at work, causing some major animosity with another employee, so I'm pretty sure they would both be fired if there was proof of anything.
Here is all I can come up with. I know something has happened, I just don't know how much. If he wants to work on things I am going to insist on full disclosure on everything and start taking steps to monitor what is happening from now on. If he doesn't want to work on things I am going to do everything I can to get proof of what has happened to expose them both to the company and expose her to her husband and family.
What's the poin tof being married if you don't live together, he hosts women at his house, he hides messages from you, he lies about his relationship with other women, and he threatens divorce everytime you bring up a concern?
Get an annullment. This isn't a marriage. It's a joke.
I understand that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but whether my husband and I reconcile or divorce, to call my marriage a joke is quite hurtful. I waited almost 30 years to get married, and I married intending on staying married forever. All of my friends and family were there and it was an extremely happy day for me. I truly don't believe my husband married me intending any of this to happen, and I certainly didn't intend for it to happen. No one intends to find themselves in the circumstances of infidelity or possible infidelity, but it doesn't make their marriage a joke, and neither do the other circumstances. My marriage was a lot more than those things, or I wouldn't care if it was over.
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I want to work it out, but I think he cheated 
