bronwen

I am 64 years old. My husband is the same age. This is my second marriage. We have been married for 25 years.

My ex husband was an alcoholic who had two long term affairs. We divorced after the second affair.

March 2011 my husband mentioned he was getting a second sim card for his phone (this was genuine for tax reasons in this country - he is self employed but working for a company). I didn't take much notice until one day he phoned me by accident on his new number. He was very awkward and made all sorts of excuses when I suggested he give me the new number as it was our company phone and I was company secretary. I have never checked up on my husband in 25 years, (no reason to) but that day, for some reason, I wrote the number down.

About 3 weeks after this my husband became very distant, started arguments and was generally not his usual kind, caring, honest self. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. I knew something was wrong and I knew it was a woman.(I think because of my previous experience in my first marriage).

I started checking up on him and one day about three weeks later I found a phone bill for the new sim card with 33 hours of phone calls and 43 texts messages all to the same number. I went to pieces.

I found this bill on a Wednesday. On the Friday night of that week I waited for him to fall asleep afer his evening meal and checked his phone. I found the vilest text message from a woman I didn't know existed. (I know most of the people he works with - he had never mentioned her name).

It was like a bomb going off. I won't bore you with the details.
There has been no contact since and she is very frightened that I might cause trouble for her ( she is 50 married with 2 teenage sons).

Over the next months we went through all the devastating gut wrenching hours - sometimes weeks of bewilderment and white hot anger on my part and stubborness and defensiveness on his. He is very embarrassed and very ashamed. I did manage to get,him to write down the worst text messages she had sent him (did look like she did all the chasing) but why would anyone go after a man in his sixties? His defence was that it was only a bit of fun common to his work environment. That's the way women working on building sites(ADMIN) behave.

I don't believe most o this. She phoned him every evening on his way home from work . They spoke for minimum 30 minutes, sometimes 45. He says it was about work but he was the project manager - she answered the phones and did some clerical work - that doesn't seem right.

The huge part of this for me is that they spoke every weekend - normally 3 - 45 minute calls on each day when he was away from our home following his hobby. This is the part I want answers to.

Today I feel stronger. I am not the weepy, needy, frightened person I was and I want answers. He refused to tell me what they talked about during these long weekend conversations apart from it was about work and a common interest they shared

The last time I asked about it he got very angry and said "I will decide when and what I will tell you"

That was it for me. I have taken a huge step back from him. I am vey polite but icy cool. I still can't believe that the kind, gentle man I trusted with my life would do this. Until I know the full extent of his attachment to this person we can't move forward.

I am so terrified of being alone at this time of my life. I never thought my life would be like this now.

This weekend I am going to give him one last opportunity to come clean.

I wish I had found all of you this time last year.

I would really appreciate your wise adviice.

Bronwen

Hope1964

I am so sorry this is happening to you

We just hired a 65 year old woman at my office. She may even be older but she's at least 65. She's single and has a blast traveling and doing all kinds of stuff with her friends and family. She seems very put together and happy.

You do NOT need a man to be happy and live a fulfilling life. No way.

__________________
Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want ~ Spock
FOR CWI NEWBIES
~My story~
Understanding the Pain - required reading for WS's
Help for sex addicts and their spouse

bronwen

Thank you so much for replying. I know I can survive on my own, but it is such a lonely road. I think I feel this way because I lost both my parents when I was very young and really I raised myself. I have always been very independent, but when I met my husband I let my guard down and trusted him completely.

I don't think I have the strength or the will to start again now.

But thank you so much for your very encouraging advice

Almostrecovered

Do tell the OW's husband, he deserves to know and it will help kill the affair

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Newbies please read this
My story

Hope1964

Don't think of it as starting again then. Think of it as an ending that has to be.

Have you done some reading around the Coping with Infidelity forum to see what you need to do to be happy? Especially the 180? There's tons of links to it - I can go look and find them for you if you like.

__________________
Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want ~ Spock
FOR CWI NEWBIES
~My story~
Understanding the Pain - required reading for WS's
Help for sex addicts and their spouse

Shaggy

Tell the OW husband.
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Eli-Zor

If she does not have a husband send a mail to her parents and teenage children, they are old enough to understand what an affair is.
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Eli-Zor

Read the following link , there are posts therein that can help you

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
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Jellybeans

You are never too old to leave a bad relationship.

And it's true--you don't need to be married to be happy. You can always take lovers!

Ingalls

My mom is single, 70, and a BLAST to be around and very successful. She just emailed a copy of a letter from a company basically begging for her to take them on contract. So AGE has nothing to do with it!!!

I'm so sorry you have been hurt again in life. It sucks. I agree to tell the OW Husband as he deserves to know. It's not revenge or even about getting back, it's about doing what is "right" and not allowing a person like her to get away with it just because she has teenage sons.

Best of luck to you. I will be thinking of you and rooting for your strength.

ParachuteOn

I agree, my mom is 69 and has started a new relationship with a 58 y/o man. She has lots of health issues and is feeling much better now. When I was over last week, I booked a trip to the beach for them to take for her birthday!

I know what you are saying about not wanting to start over. But you don't have to. There is no age limit on honor. You have a right to have a good life. Don't ever think you have to settle.

Keep posting and please take care of yourself.

jinba

I'm not quite 64, but am old enough to feel your pain. It's tough when you've invested so many years and so much of your life just to see it fall apart in front of your eyes.

His attitude really bothers me - "I'll decide when and what I will tell you" - seriously? After 25 years together? Unbelievable - how can he be so cruel?

Do you think this is some sort of age related fling? Or is it possible he's always been this self centered and you were blinded by love?

iheartlife

Bronwen, my heart goes out to you.

Your husband was in an emotional affair that may also have gone physical.

A great place to start is the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The book is extremely detailed and covers everything from the beginning suspicions to recovery. It goes into depth about your emotions in a way that can articulate your sense of betrayal to your husband. I realize what's more hurtful than anything is that you prayed you'd never go through it again in your lifetime. In that sense it's a Double Betrayal which makes it harder to move on.

This book will give you the responses you need to inform your husband how he is killing your love for him by his refusal to share the truth about this relationship. He owes you that or he does not deserve to stay married to you. You deserve to have EVERY SINGLE QUESTION ANSWERED.

You say that you read the "vilest" message, I take it that means it was very sexually explicit (?).

I will tell you what they talked about. Apart from potentially sexually explicit stuff (phone sex, sexting--including possibly sending sexually explicit photos of herself), he probably talked about his hopes, dreams, and fears, while (if she is married) they complained about their respective spouses. The latter is part of a distancing mechanism that helps a "normal" person jusitfy this horrible level of betrayal to themselves.

I agree with others here. Expose her for what she is, a homewrecker, to her spouse and parents.


Can I ask you, do you have any evidence that it went physical? Because that may very well be the case.

Do they still work together? If they do, that has to end.

How do you know he isn't still in contact--simply his demeanor?

tacoma

OH HELL NO!

He wants to get like that hmm?

Expose the affair to his OW`s husband, when her life blows up then tell him your next exposure is going to be his work and family unless he starts talking.

If I were his wife he`d already be in a ****ing fetal position under the kitchen table for making that statement.
I wouldn`t care what age I was.

He has no respect for you earn some...expose the OW.

iheartlife

And I also assume that you have complete transparency--i.e., he must share ALL passwords, all email accounts, all skype accounts, all facebook accounts, all IM accounts, show his computer and phone whenever you ask, etc.

But if they work together, none of that matters very much.