Separated for Second Time... OW would not let go - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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Separated for Second Time... OW would not let go

Last September my husband left me for the first time. He was gone for 4 months that time. He left me again on April 2 of this year. I will try to include details and keep it short, if possible lol... Need advice. Not sure how to read this or even if I should read it at all... I am confused.

Last summer my husband was distant and argumentative constantly. He said it was due to our constant fighting and things we'd said to each other that he can't get past. When he left he said many hurtful things such as I am not IN love with you, I only ever had sex with you because I HAD to, that he knew he would probably never come back and if he did it would only be because he felt sorry for me. Everyone told me he had to be seeing someone because men don't just up and leave and say these things if they aren't already "getting it" somewhere else. I was devastated with that breakup. I didn't see it coming and was not prepared for it. I also had surgery coming up (serious thyroidectomy for Hashimoto's with suspicious cells and lymphnodes, luckily it turned out benign). During that separation we barely communicated. When I did see him he would kiss the top of my head like a child and never say anything except he "can't" come back. Yet every night he texted good night to me. This really bothered me after a while... so after the surgery he came by once or twice to "help" which wasn't helping at all and I ended up staying with my sister 100 miles away. BEST THING I EVER DID. I went to a spa and relaxed and recuperated. When I came back I felt refreshed and like a new person. Immediately he texted me. Even called. Started telling me where he would be that night etc... I was already healing and didn't cry or beg him to come back anymore. I was accepting this. In early Dec he started asking if I wanted to spend time together... watching movies, eating etc. I said yes. Of course there was sex. Then in late Dec I got a phone call from a man stating his wife had been having an affair with my husband since June. I was stunned. My husband denied nothing. I was crushed, there were pictures and texts involved. He begged me for over 15 hours not to leave him to give him another chance - said it was me and always was me and always will be me - she was a mistake. He said it's not what I think, the woman meant nothing to him and it was just an affair of circumstance. In mid January he moved back in. We were blissfully working on our marriage and seeing a marriage counselor. Then just after Valentine's Day her husband called me again with phone bills. They had still been communicating. I was furious. My husband again said she was nothing he didn't know why he kept in touch, he felt bad for her they just talked about stuff and it was nothing they never saw each other even. He promised to stop and even called her with me on speaker to tell her to stop calling/texting him that he loves me and wants to work on his marriage. SHE was always the initiator according to the bills. It was EVERY day, several times a day. Then in early March after silence she called again. I lost my mind. Why was he doing this??? Our relationship and trust, which was already hanging by a thread was now even worse. We fought about HER constantly. We were still in counseling and all our session focused on this. Little by little my husband began to withdraw. To the point he moved out again because he was "miserable" living there with me and gave little hope he would feel different.

After a week he called. He said he didn't understand why he felt like I would be with someone else. That he was still miserable and doesn't think it was me anymore causing that. I told him I didn't think it was either. He said (after a week of canceling them) that he wanted to go back to counseling. We have spoken on the phone once a day and text several times since. We have spent some time together but not much at first and he admitted he enjoyed himself. BUT the OW and he are in touch. They talk all the time. She is divorced (march was the final straw for her husband) and told my husband she wants a relationship with him now. In counseling he said he has feelings for her but they are not love. That he loves me. That he knows he can have a great relationship with me by being honest (which he is in counseling now) and since we are working on it that it could be better than ever but sometimes he thinks he met her for a reason... that maybe he was meant to meet her (gag gag gag and lmfao) and that they should have a relationship instead. OH MY. I said this did not worry me. I knew he loved me and only me and that he would realize that too. I also said this separation will last at least 6 months after which time I will file for divorce because limbo stinks. Since I said this he has stepped up - well, kinda. Now he said that she calls him never the other way around and that he told her under NO circumstance could anything happen with them until he was sure we could not save our marriage. That she no longer asks about us or our marriage and only calls once or twice a week now. I am not sure what I believe. I DO know he loves me.

At first every time I would go out with my friends I would get calls from him in a panic about how maybe I was cheating or meeting guys. Sometimes even if I fell asleep on a Friday or Saturday night he would go into that panic. He did not do that this past weekend. We had plans for Sunday but he began working and couldn't keep them. So we made tentative plans for Wed, he would come to my job and take me to lunch, something he has NEVER done before. But he again was working and couldn't do it. Part of his "depression and misery" I believe came from not working so I am glad he's got more work coming his way but not sure with the past if I believe him... I know I should and when it came up he even said why would we be doing this if I was going to do that. Doing this? What are we doing except justifying you speaking to THAT woman? Anyway... I obviously have trust issues I am working on and DO trust him more now than I did then... before I was checking the phone bills... I have not done that once... before I was always accusing him... I don't do that. And if he gets texts or calls in my presence now he lets me know who it is, never her.

So now what confuses me...

On Monday he called and just dropped by to see me. During the last separation he never did that. And he kissed me like he meant it. On Tuesday he just dropped by again. Never long stays just to see me. Wednesday he was working so we didn't speak or see each other. Today he called to tell me he would be dropping something off at my apt for me. I was confused.. first for some reason thought OH NO PAPERS but he said he just wanted to drop something off he thought I should have and it's not bad don't worry.. of course I wonder what it is and won't be there for hours still... and later in the conversation I told him my brother needs a place to stay and wanted to stay with me and he paused like he never expected that and said well what do YOU want and I said I hate living alone right now, think the company would be good for me plus he'd pay bills so that would help and I could save money... he said and for the time being I plan to give you some money too so you can save even more... and if or when I move back in I like him so it's no problem and right now we don't need 2 bedrooms... I asked if he thought things were going well that he might move back in and he said nothing. I think I scared him off lol...

So does any of this mean anything? My sister said he is trying to lessen the blow of the breakup and to move on already. Is he? To me it seems he is trying to work on our marriage...

Anyone in this or similar situation that can help me understand? Obviously asking him is a problem because he just shuts up...

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 03:03 PM
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Re: Separated for Second Time... OW would not let go

To be honest, it doesn't really matter who is calling whom. If he had an affair and wants to rebuild the marriage, he should not remain friends or otherwise with the other woman. He has flat out told her that she is Plan B and right now there is nothing stopping him from stringing you both along. My guess is that when 6 months comes along (if that was the timeframe you said you would move on) he will either not have decided yet or if he does say he wants to move back in, he still won't stop contact with OW (other woman)...In my opinion, you are giving him way too much leeway in terms of rebuilding trust...blindly trusting him at this stage does not seem like a good idea.


No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 03:10 PM
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Re: Separated for Second Time... OW would not let go

Actually his behavior is typical for a cheating spouse. It's called "cake eating". Most of them want to have their cake and eat it too.

My very wise old divorce attorney told me a sure fire way to resolve the dilemma. Tell your husband he is to move back in with you and seriously work on the marriage. Furthermore, all communication with affair partners is to cease. If he doesn't agree to that, you have your answer. File for divorce and be done with the psychological game. That's what I finally had to do after a year of separation--for my own sanity.

I really do wish you well with this.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 03:20 PM
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Re: Separated for Second Time... OW would not let go

He is cake eating, if he really didn't want to hear from her he would have gotten a new phone number and never shared it with her.

Right now you have given him a six month pass but nothing to motivate him to actually dump her.

I would file divorce and tell him, her gone forever and we can stop the D, otherwise in x months when D is done I'm gone forever. The choice is yours.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 03:24 PM
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Re: Separated for Second Time... OW would not let go

First of all.... I am sorry you are going through all this. My gut reaction to your story? He is trying to keep tabs on you. And he is confused and scared when you are out without him because he is a cheater and thinks everyone thinks like he does! My H acts all tough till I really just want to move on, then its all promises and love. Sometimes I wonder if it IS love....or just control.

Just my opinion, but I would stop worrying about what his actions mean, and start thinking about what you really want. DO you want R or D?

Those bad fights you describe? They would devastate me.

You have been healing....taking care of yourself....keep doing that. And I think its a great idea to have your brother move in, if thats what you want. It will be harder for your H to keep the rollercoaster going with someone else around. Especially your brother. I know if MY brother moved in, my H would quit the crap ASAP!
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 03:28 PM
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Re: Separated for Second Time... OW would not let go

Do the 180.
Get tested for STD's
Go see an attorney.
Get your finances in order.
Brace yourself for the worst.
File for D. Mean it.
If things change you can stop it (if you want to stop it)
You are being too kind and kind of a doormat. Your kindness is not helping you. Many of us understand it but you have to stop it.

This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 05:17 PM
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Re: Separated for Second Time... OW would not let go

He left, OW left with him. Things got rocky, she ran back home to her husband and he came crawling back to you.

OW husband threw her out, now she's pleading with him to go back to her and he's covering all his bases just in case you or the OW flakes.

File for divorce and move on. Don't be the 2nd choice for him.

If you were 1st choice, he would have already chosen to be with you instead of sitting on the fence.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 05:43 PM
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Re: Separated for Second Time... OW would not let go

I agree with the others that your H is cake eating. He doesn't have to make a real decision because you and the OW are allowing him to do as he pleases. You don't have to take that from him or anyone.

I think Thorburn nailed it. Take all those steps and get prepared to be strong and not give in. One of the must haves for R is complete and total transparency from him. He will deserve the same transparency from you.

His phone number should be changed and you must get proof that he is not communicating with her at all. It doesn't matter who contacts who first. If she contacts him, he should ignore the communication completely. Responding to her reinforces that it's okay for her to be in touch with him.

All the best to you moving forward.
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