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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-04-2012, 07:25 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

Move back in the house. Don't ask. And grow a pair while you are at it.
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:31 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Listen to Bandit----it may sound harsh but he is wise and will give you some good ideas.
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:43 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Your son is not a child. He's old enough to take a bullet for the flag. He can be an ally to you in pressure on the wife to cool her sh*t until the divorce is final.

You have filed haven't you?
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:50 AM   #19 (permalink)
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She dropped the ball in getting her needs attended to by you. If the first you heard of it was on her way out the door, that's irresponsible on her part. Every adult should understand themselves and what they need in terms of connection to others, then they should be the #1 person to advocate for themselves, whether this is through actions or verbal communication it doesn't matter. It seems she is just switching up people to get an immediate need met, chances are when her needs change, she will have to switch up again, due to her lack of self-awareness, self-advocacy and initiative, also perseverance. You can't kick yourself for not being a mind-reader. On the other hand, it's good to check in with a spouse every now and then to see how they are doing...and hope that they will be honest if something isn't working well.

Even though my boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage, we still check in with each other to see how we are doing...and to re-assess our relationship to make sure we are on the same page and our needs are being met, and which ones aren't, and what our plan is for now and for future. It's just a normal, expected part of any relationship, to pay attention to it. Not just discard it when it's the wrong thing for your immediate need. It's sad what she's doing but chances are you are not going to be able to have any control over it.
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:59 AM   #20 (permalink)
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BigT, blaming yourself is perfectly normal. Just listen to the folks here. It was not your fault! I'm the kinda guy for whom failure is not an option, lived my whole life with that credo. But when I found out about my wife, I felt like the most colossal failure in the universe. Took a long time to recover from that one, but it was a growth experience. Start working on yourself; every one of us has the potential to grow and improve; that's part of the challenge and a lot of the fun.
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Old 05-04-2012, 09:21 AM   #21 (permalink)
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I blamed myself for everything wrong in our marriage also,at first.My WW loved that,she told me I could come over take care of any work around the house and pay the bills and leave,when I tried to explain to her that she did some damage too she refused to take any blame,she tried to get me out of the house so she could "date" her prince charming.When our MC asked us to list our faults we did,I had quite a list going,her paper was blank,MC asked if she had any faults she looked around the room for a while and shook her head no.It was all my fault,by then I knew better.I came near having a nervious break down and pleaded for some help,again she said why should I help you its all your fault.She did everything in her mind to justify she was in the right.After I kicked her out she had a break down but I was there for her,i wanted revenge but what good would that do,she wasnt in her right frame of mind.She finally saw where all this was headed and it wasnt going to be like she thought it was.Thank God she stoped her EA and slowly came around and we are improving,I Will never take the blame or go through all that pain again,I know better now,she now admits her blame in our marriage and has been totally out of the fog now for about a month.Dont ever let someone lay it all on you
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Old 05-04-2012, 09:26 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Move back in the house. Don't ask. And grow a pair while you are at it.
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Move back in today. What did your attorney say about you moving out?
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Old 05-04-2012, 09:26 AM   #23 (permalink)
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The truth is if she was unhappy in a marriage she could have said something, initiated therapy. She didn't want to. She just used you as an excuse to do to you precisely what she should not. She blamed the victim. What a b*tch. She wanted to leave you, break your heart and not feel any guilt for it. What better way to do it than to blame you? Look up the humorous link " our love is real" another poster put up few days ago... it sums it up in a nutshell. Good luck
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:09 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Move back in today. Remove any funding you are providing her. And take those keys away.
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:18 AM   #25 (permalink)
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I keep wondering what would a guy say to a woman to convince her to leave her husband of 26 years and 17 year old son?? It boggles my mind...Now and as for lawyers - I live in Canada and I do not have money for an attorney - I'd love to file separation and divorce papers ASAP but have no money. Finally, I am concerned about the whole tough love thing because I'm afraid she will use it as a way to say "See he never was supportive of me.." I do not want her back but having a hard time letting go as well..its sorta messed up.
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:32 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

often those in an affair will vilify their spouse to justify the affair
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:32 AM   #27 (permalink)
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I keep wondering what would a guy say to a woman to convince her to leave her husband of 26 years and 17 year old son?? It boggles my mind...Now and as for lawyers - I live in Canada and I do not have money for an attorney - I'd love to file separation and divorce papers ASAP but have no money. Finally, I am concerned about the whole tough love thing because I'm afraid she will use it as a way to say "See he never was supportive of me.." I do not want her back but having a hard time letting go as well..its sorta messed up.

many attorneys will have a free initial consultation, you could also look for one to do pro bono
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:04 PM   #28 (permalink)
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I keep wondering what would a guy say to a woman to convince her to leave her husband of 26 years and 17 year old son?? It boggles my mind...Now and as for lawyers - I live in Canada and I do not have money for an attorney - I'd love to file separation and divorce papers ASAP but have no money. Finally, I am concerned about the whole tough love thing because I'm afraid she will use it as a way to say "See he never was supportive of me.." I do not want her back but having a hard time letting go as well..its sorta messed up.
You are where you are. You can't go back and change what you did by moving out. You can, however, make good decisions going forward. It doesn't matter if it's sorta messed up. Move back into your home. Don't ask for permission. It's your right to live in your home. If she doesn't want to live with you, then she can move out.

If you don't have money for an attorney, moving back home will hopefully help you save money by not having to pay for double housing.
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:07 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Bad night last night - heard from friends that saw my former spouse out with her boyfriend at a concert - she is so flagrantly shameless about her behaviour and she was driving our family car. Its like she doesnt care a lick what i think...its amazing how devastated one can get over this stuff....i mean i know she slept with the guy numerous times....so why would her going public bother me so much? Then I also found out there was stuff I left behind when I moved out and she didnt call me about it she coldly went to a mutual friend and dropped it off with them....after I knew her for 30 years...it makes no sense at all.
Bigtone, I'm so sorry that you are here.

I feel your pain. My ex and I have known each other since we were fourteen (35 years) and I don't recognize the person that she has become. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that she would abandon me and the kids.

My wife is currently flushed with $150k from the divorce settlement and is 'happily' living life as a single cougar wannabe.

The person that you knew is dead. Remember the happy times and mourn the loss of your marriage. Believe it or not, it does get better. One day at a time.
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Old 05-04-2012, 11:57 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Move back in the house. Don't ask. And grow a pair while you are at it.
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First off, get your ass back in the house. This is the marital home, she CANNOT legally make you leave. If anyone leaves, its her. The longer you stay gone, the greater case she has against you and it will be seen as abandonment by the court. Guaranteed. Make her ass sleep on the couch, why should you suffer for her cheating?

I've read your previous threads and saw how she demonized you to everyone by telling lies about you. She has re-written the history of your marriage. This is standard, they will blameshift so they can justify the affair to themselves. You mentioned that she was even reprimanded by her union for inappropriate public display of affection for a coworker.

And now you have your 18 yr old son enabling her affair because he lets her driver YOUR vehicle that was meant for him. You're basically still financing her affair and her now partygirl lifestyle. Stop it already. Stop taking the blame for her affair.
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