Is it my fault???
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-03-2012, 04:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is it my fault???

My wife left me 6 weeks ago and never came back. On the way out the door she mentioned all the things I never did and things I did do that bothered her....I keep going over and over these things in my mind and thinking I should have paid more attention to her etc. BUT I complimented her daily, treated her well, etc. then I ask myself "I put up with alot of things from her and ask myself if there was anything she ever did to me that would make me go out and take off my clothes and sleep with another woman?" the answer is ALWAYS no. But it drives me crazy thinking I was responsible for the affair....is this freaking normal?
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Old 05-03-2012, 04:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

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My wife left me 6 weeks ago and never came back. On the way out the door she mentioned all the things I never did and things I did do that bothered her....I keep going over and over these things in my mind and thinking I should have paid more attention to her etc. BUT I complimented her daily, treated her well, etc. then I ask myself "I put up with alot of things from her and ask myself if there was anything she ever did to me that would make me go out and take off my clothes and sleep with another woman?" the answer is ALWAYS no. But it drives me crazy thinking I was responsible for the affair....is this freaking normal?
She is just trying to justify what she did by listing your "faults". Everyone has things they wish they would have done differently. Even maybe some regrets. Both spouses contribute to the marriage problems, but the decision to break the marital vow of fidelity was hers alone.

If she was so miserable, she could have simply filed for divorce and walked away, as countless others (with honor) have done.

Don't let her fool you. You are not responsible for her affair.
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Old 05-03-2012, 04:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

Definately NOT your fault. She can make a grown up choice to leave if she is that miserable or lay down with another guy...she is at fault and knows she is!!!
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Old 05-03-2012, 05:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

This is typical of people in affairs. They always blame their spouse for their own choices. They will do anything to not take responsibility.

Your marriage was probably not perfect (whose marriage is perfect?) and you are responsible for your part of that. You are not responsible for her decisions.
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Old 05-03-2012, 06:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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My wife left me 6 weeks ago and never came back. On the way out the door she mentioned all the things I never did and things I did do that bothered her....I keep going over and over these things in my mind and thinking I should have paid more attention to her etc. BUT I complimented her daily, treated her well, etc. then I ask myself "I put up with alot of things from her and ask myself if there was anything she ever did to me that would make me go out and take off my clothes and sleep with another woman?" the answer is ALWAYS no. But it drives me crazy thinking I was responsible for the affair....is this freaking normal?
Nope. As the betrayer, I can definitively tell you it's NOT your fault.

That doesn't mean you had a great marriage, though. Obviously something was wrong...you just were never given the chance to know it and address it.

But you weren't responsible for the affair. Take that burden off your shoulders now, lay it down and walk far, far away from it.
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Old 05-03-2012, 10:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

Not your fault. She's dumping her selfish choice to break her vows and cheat on you because it's easier than honestly admitting she's the piece of trash.
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Old 05-04-2012, 12:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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This is very standard, as others have mentioned.

And, a betrayed person is , often, so downtrodden and traumatized, that he or she ,often, believes the self serving justifications from the cheater.
You have already started to realize that she had imperfections as well, yet you remained true to your vows.
There was a study i read about where inquiry(somehow) was made into which partner was less invested in the marriage to begin with and which partner caused most of the pre-affair problems in the marriage. Overwhelmingly, it was the cheater that was responsible for the poor conditions in the marriage.
Think about it. It makes sense. Your wife has demonstrated beyond any doubt that she lacks integrity, is a poor communicator, and that she has poor problem solving skills. She demonstrates a lack of forethought and a lack of empathy.All this is shown by her cheating.
So, with that in mind, knowing her deficiencies, do you really beleive she was the better spouse in the relationship? Is it likely that someone so cruel, depraved and dishonest, not to mention deficient in communication etc. was anything but the main source of the pre-affair marital problems?
The whole "50/50" cliche re responsibility for pre-affair problems lacks analysis. Clearly, one spouse can be way more responsible for a marriages decline than the other. And, as I mentioned, it is much more likely that the cheater had the yeoman's share of that responsibility.
Read up on this. It is fairly well established and documented re this cheater being more at fault for the decline in the marriage.
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Old 05-04-2012, 02:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

I like the word "projection". In many cases the cheater will project all their problems or faults onto the faithful spouse. Some truly believe they were pushed into the affair and never take responcibility for their actions. I keep hearing how I have to take responcibility for my marriage winding up in divorce but I did everything possible to keep it going....including my own therapy, MC, admitting my wrong doings...nothing worked. As far as I will ever be concerned she did all this herself, I even forgave her time and time again....36 weeks of MC and she was still content in keeping her BF....it was a lost cause.
Don't ever take blame you don't deserve!!
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

She's just justifying things to herself. Accept none of it, you truly know what parts of you could do with a little improvement - we all do, but she's just making excuses. I mean, she was the 'perfect' partner wasn't she?
At this question they (both men and women) usually say, 'No'
Contradictory statement - end of argument.
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Old 05-04-2012, 04:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Bad night last night - heard from friends that saw my former spouse out with her boyfriend at a concert - she is so flagrantly shameless about her behaviour and she was driving our family car. Its like she doesnt care a lick what i think...its amazing how devastated one can get over this stuff....i mean i know she slept with the guy numerous times....so why would her going public bother me so much? Then I also found out there was stuff I left behind when I moved out and she didnt call me about it she coldly went to a mutual friend and dropped it off with them....after I knew her for 30 years...it makes no sense at all.
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Old 05-04-2012, 04:48 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

It's detatchment - people use it to seperate emotion from situations. She's making you out to be some villain in her head to keep herself feeling comfortable with what she's doing.

This is why you have to take care of you - no one else is going to do it.
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Old 05-04-2012, 05:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

You mention the family car. Did you file yet?

You can't control her actions, but you can keep your dignity by not sponsoring their affair.
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Old 05-04-2012, 06:37 AM   #13 (permalink)
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yea i know but its complicated - we have an 18 year old son at home and I left the car for him to drive and him only - but it appears she is manipulating him to get it and I'm angry at him but he's been through enough due to her breaking up the family and want to be close to him. So I feel stuck.

Last edited by bigtone128; 05-04-2012 at 06:45 AM.
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Old 05-04-2012, 06:44 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it my fault???

You let her kick you out? Big mistake, she cheated, you should go home and ask her to leave. Just because you are a man doesn't mean you have to leave your home and be replaced.
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I knew it was a mistake BUT I was devastated when she told me of the affair. I couldnt live with her and wasnt well enough to take care of our son - so I thought the most prudent thing to do was to let her take care of our son and me get myself together. However, its been 6 weeks and I've got myself together a bit but I see she is not taking care of our son....she's out every night her boyfriend. So, yea was it a mistake....yeah but I had to get myself together first. Understand?
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