All other things are never equal, cheating doesn't make one person a worser parent than a faithful one, and unless you're a court appointed custody evaluator it doesn't matter what you suggest.
I think quite often in a custody battle they are very close. Both parents are committed to their children. Both parents are involved in their lives. Both parents have no criminal record or history of abuse.
I think often the courts have a difficult time deciding who is the best parent for the kids to live with.
If they do have to decide (because of a custody case) and all things appear equal, then the 'cheating' may be the deciding factor.
If they do have to decide (because of a custody case) and all things appear equal, then the 'cheating' may be the deciding factor.
I guess it could be but I doubt it's going to come down to that one factor.
Best thing to do is try to work out a joint custody situation and not leave it to the courts, that could take years to work out and cost 10s if not 100s of thousands of dollars and it would really take a toll on the children who would have to be interviewed and feel like they must take sides and all that.
That's why when I see advice given that suggests taking actions to really mess up the life of the cheating spouse and the affair partner I think to myself, this is only going to make matters worse.
I guess I don't see the cheating aspect of a person as just a compartmentalized isolated piece of them. I see them as whole integrated person, and for that reason I do think that there is something seriously missing in their personal moral fiber that enables them to cheat in the first place.
Let's explore this a bit from the side that say's cheater can be great parents.
So would a convicted murderer, let's say a guy who killed his boss because the boss didn't give him that big promotion - would he be a good parent ? Would you leave your kids with him?
Would a drug dealer be a good parent?
Would a pimp be a good parent?
My point is that everyone is faced with ethical and moral dilemmas in life and they challenge us to choose correctly.
Cheating is quite honestly wrong. No wiggle room, no grey area. It's wrong and people know it. The cheaters know it. In fact they know it so well, that they typically worry about their SO cheating on them, and would dump them in a minute if they caught them. They know it to be 100% wrong.
And I think that carries over into parenting in a couple of ways. First, it teaches the child that vows are negotiable after the fact. You can ignore them when you don't feel like living in them.
It also sets up the very real belief in the kid - that even if someone has made a vow to them - they cannot fully trust the other person. They see their mom/dad who vowed to remain true - cheat on their parent - and break their vow. they see the hurt and devastation caused to the BS. They also learn they really can't truly depend on people. We focus on the BS and how they might never fully trust again, but what of the child who is there when this goes down. How do they learn to ever trust fully?
It also carries over into how the WS rewrites history at the expense of the BS. The kids know the lay of the land, and they see how you can later rewrite the truth to avoid being responsible. This is a huge problem in our society: People don't own their actions. They instead twist the truth to make it someone else's fault.
So while I'm not saying a WS should be locked up and their kids isolated from them - I don't go to the other extreme either: I don't buy that they are great or even good parents. They may be non-abusive, they may be non-seriously-harmful, but I won't go to them being good parents.
So would a convicted murderer, let's say a guy who killed his boss because the boss didn't give him that big promotion - would he be a good parent ? Would you leave your kids with him?
Would a drug dealer be a good parent?
Would a pimp be a good parent?
Yes they could be good parents and definitely NO WAY would I leave MY OWN kids with a murderer, a drug dealer or a pimp but I'd let a cheating wife babysit for them, absolutely.
That's a rather generalized blanket statement that is in no way representative of every person that ever strayed within a relationship.
I believe that the rate of infidelity is something like 60%.
You're suggesting that more then half the population is amoral and doesn't know right from wrong?
The rate of infidelity is between 30 and 35% for men and women. Infidelity has tripled since 1997. Appx. 70+% of men and women admit they would like to cheat if they new they would not get caught. 80% of the families that divorce over infidelity regret that decision and wish they had stayed in the marriage and worked it out.
Its easy to arm chair a debate on whether a cheater is a good parent or not. But there are so many variables involved that we have no way of determining one way or another.
If we were to judge on this one merit alone, then yeah it would be pretty easy to conclude, but there's more it then just one factor.
This is like asking if a person with a HS diploma is better at (fill in the blank for profession) than someone with a degree? Statistics says yeah, but real world experiences tells me, it depends on the person.
I have been reading all of these - and a few of the private messages I've received. My actions or lack thereof have nothing to do with "manhood" but rather the strong aversion to divorce and strong desire to do the right thing. Some of you are faster to pull the trigger than others - that's fine. As I mentioned originally, the affair had been emotional (talking at gym, texts, phone calls) and became aware of the fact of the conversations. The physical nature of the relationship only began recently.
I will say some dramatic things have happened the past week & some of it due to the advice I've received from you all. Thank you all for your concern for my kids - that has been my primary focus during this time. I can say with a lot of confidence this is over between her and the OM. But we are on a zero tolerance now.
I have been reading all of these - and a few of the private messages I've received. My actions or lack thereof have nothing to do with "manhood" but rather the strong aversion to divorce and strong desire to do the right thing. Some of you are faster to pull the trigger than others - that's fine. As I mentioned originally, the affair had been emotional (talking at gym, texts, phone calls) and became aware of the fact of the conversations. The physical nature of the relationship only began recently.
I will say some dramatic things have happened the past week & some of it due to the advice I've received from you all. Thank you all for your concern for my kids - that has been my primary focus during this time. I can say with a lot of confidence this is over between her and the OM. But we are on a zero tolerance now.
Can you be more specific. Your story may very well help others to cope.
It's a painful process and you have to file divorce. There is just no other way around it. Especially if she's still seeing the OM than counseling is just a waste of time and money. Expose her, divorce her and take everything that is important to her away. Move on with your life. I hope you the best of luck and be strong. This is a great site for support and any questions you have.
Expose her, divorce her and take everything that is important to her away. Move on with your life. I hope you the best of luck and be strong. This is a great site for support and any questions you have.
Either divorce her OR try to reconcile with her OR expose her and do all that revenge stuff if that's what gets you through the day.
I have been reading all of these - and a few of the private messages I've received. My actions or lack thereof have nothing to do with "manhood" but rather the strong aversion to divorce and strong desire to do the right thing. Some of you are faster to pull the trigger than others - that's fine. As I mentioned originally, the affair had been emotional (talking at gym, texts, phone calls) and became aware of the fact of the conversations. The physical nature of the relationship only began recently.
I will say some dramatic things have happened the past week & some of it due to the advice I've received from you all. Thank you all for your concern for my kids - that has been my primary focus during this time. I can say with a lot of confidence this is over between her and the OM. But we are on a zero tolerance now.
Thanks for the update, please share more detail when you get the chance.
Thanks for sharing. I hope your "friend" is history and your WW shows the signs for true remorse. There is a good chance that this woun't happen again but the correct steps need to be taken.
I use to sweep my wifes affairs under the rug and it continue to happen time and again. I hope the both of you take the healthy steps to prevent this from happening again.
What preventive maintence is your wife doing and is she doing the heavy lifting to fix her self and heal you?
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Re: Wife won't end affair 
