Hi, first off I never thought I would be here. I guess that goes for everyone. I will just get down to it then, my wife and I have been together for 17 years. I have not been the perfect husband but never thought my marriage was in trouble tho. We never fought, not once in 17 yrs have we had one argument. About 9 months ago I received a text from a man she was having an affair with from her work. The affair was going on for about 2.5 years. I did everything that you weren't suppose to do after I received that text. I will blew up at her, I never felt so much pain in my life. Then I got possessive and wanted to know everything and boy that was a mistake.
I really beat her up about for about 2 months, then we separated and live about now. We have been apart for about 7 months. She moved in with him as soon as we split. Now they do not lived together anymore and they no longer contact each other. I know this for a fact. So when I heard that I was ecstatic and thought hey! this a chance to get my family back together. Yes we have 2 boys, they are with me full time and she only sees them on two days a week for about 5 hours on those 2 days. So she doesn't want to spend to much time with them for some reason. But anyways I really want to repair my marriage, but now she is telling me she does not love me anymore. I really am confused on how someone can discard 17 years of marriage, the kids and just walk away from her family like this. She says she needs her space to think and doesn't want to be forced. Now to me it doesn't seem to be forcing because I would never put my family in jeopardy like this. So I have a really hard time understanding this behavior from her. My questions are these, I do not know what to do. Honestly raising my kids by myself scares the crap outta me, I am concerned if I could provide for them like I want to, raising them on just one income is just really difficult. Second, should I just move, I do not contact her at all for anything, the kids do not even ask for her. I really want my family repaired but at what cost? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry for such a long story. Thank you.
Women many times feel shame for having betrayed their husbands. They often don't feel worthy of going back to the marriage and family they left for another man. Never in their minds did they ever believe that they were capable of marital betrayal. The taste of humble pie can be very bitter for them that they tell their betrayed husbands that they no longer feel love for them (not necessarily true) as a way to hide from their shame and unworthiness.
Nevertheless, file for divorce. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. This is not retribution but a protection of your well being and that of your kids. Hopefully she will wake up and realize what she is on the verge of losing.
Sorry brother, it sound like she has really walked away.
I have heard alot about how the wayward feels, I'm no pro, but often there is a humilation and shame that come with the failure she has become due to her poor choices. Along with that there is alot of guilt and low self esteem.
In most cases the wayward feel unworthy of the love from her family, kids included. There is the unworthy feeling that combined with not diserving to be happy for what she has down that sits with your wife.
You mentioned that you emotionally beat her up for a few months and she may not be willing to deal with this kind of consequence. In fact she may not be willing to deal with any of the consequence or the heavy lifting to repair the marriage.
Look up the 180 degree, they are steps to protect your emotions. You might need to just let her go and disingage her completely until she finds it with in her self to fix this. You can't control her so look after your self and your boys.
Work on your self to be a better man, start a hobby, work out, take a vaction, buy some new clothes and just work on you.
Its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts!
My questions are these, I do not know what to do. Honestly raising my kids by myself scares the crap outta me, I am concerned if I could provide for them like I want to, raising them on just one income is just really difficult. Second, should I just move, I do not contact her at all for anything, the kids do not even ask for her. I really want my family repaired but at what cost? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry for such a long story. Thank you.
Basically, your wife had no sexual attraction to you back when she began the affair. She got all the sex-buzz drugs in her brain (look up PEA, dopamine, norepinephrine, brain-sex etc for explanation) and became a sex addict with OM for a while. That stuff typically wears off after about 3-4 years max, so it's predictable that they are no longer together. He was most likely replaced for new, younger string of hook ups so she could achieve her high. Thus, no interest in you now that she's been engaging in far out sexual practices she would never allow you, the father of her kids, to know she now engages in as SOP. You, and your kids, have been flushed. She doesn't want to be around any of you to be reminded of her descent. She's not coming back. Abandonment of the kids and no contact with them is the proof.
You're correct that it is expensive to raise kids alone on one standard income these days. That's why you need to file for divorce and get her paying CS to you ASAP.
You've already been advised to get a younger, hotter woman. I concur. However, your wife may suddenly get attracted to you again if you pull this off, so be mentally prepared to send her packing.
File and start a bodybuilding program immediately.
I really wish posters wouldn't be so casual or flippant about getting paternity testing in these circumstances. Really what value would bringing up that issue up at this point be helpful. Whe add to the emotional stress he and his kids are dealing with at this point of their lives......DNA testing can wait.
If the children were born in the marriage and he held himself to the world as their father - no matter the results of the DNA testing he is still the "legal" father of thease children and this is true in all 50 states and the European Union..........so at this point in his life and his kids life would DNA testing have any mature value.
Save testing for later if you feel you need to, work on you and your family - improve yourself - don't chase her....live life and pursue true happiness. Posted via Mobile Device
IMO, DNA testing proves other affairs, something most people caught with their pants down deny vehemently.
IMO, if the kids turn out to not be yours, than you have proof.
It helps get the BS out of the fog they may be in due to the cheaters denials and gas lighting and blame shifting and lies about prior affairs. It's difficult to prove past affairs.
Also, if filing for fault, if allowed in your state, it can help the man get custody of the children.
One affair won't mean much, but several amounts to child neglect and the man has a better chance of custody, if he wants it.
My husbands married OW had kids and would park them with sitters while she was out looking for men and dating other men.
I really am confused on how someone can discard 17 years of marriage, the kids and just walk away from her family like this.
Someone who isn't marriage material would do this.
Quote:
She says she needs her space to think and doesn't want to be forced. Now to me it doesn't seem to be forcing because I would never put my family in jeopardy like this. So I have a really hard time understanding this behavior from her.
It's not force, its pressure. The more you pressure her the more she will resist. Just talking to her puts pressure on her.
Quote:
My questions are these, I do not know what to do. Honestly raising my kids by myself scares the crap outta me, I am concerned if I could provide for them like I want to, raising them on just one income is just really difficult.
And yet you've been doing it all this time. Get a D then ask for child support.
Quote:
Second, should I just move, I do not contact her at all for anything, the kids do not even ask for her. I really want my family repaired but at what cost? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry for such a long story. Thank you
If she cared even a little should would have tried to come back with the A died (very typical). The fact that she didn't says she was having an exit affair.
You are not getting your family back, you need to accept that and file for a D and find someone else worth having. She doesn't sound like much of a mother or wife so what are you really losing? There will be others, there always are.
you already have your family. you and your kids.Machi xplained the sex drug affect, and the high ppl get from it. Why would you want someone that cheated for so long ? How do you know if he was the only one ? Do you actually think she is going without now ? Stop using the kids as an excuse. File an make her pay CS for those kids. Personally, I don't want someone that don't want me, kids or no kids. You take care of those kids by holding her financially accountable for her parental responsibilities. That is your job as a good parent. Heck, the kids don't even ask about her according to you, so only holding her accountable $$ wise is best overall. I bet they feel her disinterest in them, so forcing her to see them is punishing them.
Moritori---gave you sound advice----she does not call the shots---she cheated----you tell her this game will be played by your rules---if she doesn't like it---tell her 2 things---to make sure she works enuff to support herself---and to prepare to defend a D., action
Also since she wants to be independent---but would still want marital assets in a D. settlement---she is to start paying her HALF, OF EACH AND EVERY BILL YOU ACCUMULATE IN THE MGE.
She has to know accountability---she treated you as a POS for over 2 yrs., and is still doing so---she is just not cheating now,------ maybe--cuz you actually wouldn't really know---would you, cuz you are seperated.
Guys I appreciate the advice, it has been really helpful. I think overall it is the "man up part" that I need to start doing and moving on with my life. It's been 10 months living apart and she has not even shown a little bit of interest in us. She sees the kids 2 days a week for 5 hours a day and that's it. Her choice not mine. The thing that concerns me is that filing for divorce the chances are I would have to share custody kids with her and I do not want to. It is not to punish her or anything like that, I love having my kids full time, I am a proud parent and cherish it. But why should I have to spend less time with my kids because of her infidelity? I do not deserve to see my kids 50% of the time. I am a good father, I want my kids all the time because I deserve it. So divorce scares me in that aspect.
26Likes
Confused and left wondering what next 
