Is she sleeping around?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Is she sleeping around?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-05-2012, 12:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is she sleeping around?

I have been married 25 years and I have never really felt really loved by my wife. I like to show my love physically while she is the type to show love through service. It's like she has this wall up and I can't seem to put a crack in it. She doesn't like to talk about sex and changes the subject when I try to bring it up. She tells me that she enjoys intercourse with me sometimes ( I can count on both hands how many times I satisfied her). Granted I wasn't the most patient lover in the past but I have done a lot of growing up last few years. She rather satisfy me and says I have always hurt her down there so she doesn't like me touching her especially since she has gone through menopause. She refuses to see a doctor or a therapytist, we have had marriage counseling three times but mostly about rasining the kids. I am over weight and not very large and suffer from ED now but I do love her very much and want to share it physically with her. Before we were married we lived together and I found out she was sleeping with a coworker while living with me and although we worked things out I can't help but feel now that she is getting her satisfation from another while just hand or orally taking care of me. I have no evidence of it other then she doesn't want to have sex with me or talk about it. Other then that we kiss everyday and tell each other we love each other everyday. I am getting depressed about it and she tells me I dwell on it to much.
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:34 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she sleeping around?

Are there any other red flags besides the physical withdrawal? Although it seems you and her never had much of a sex life to begin with. So far from what you describe, I'm inclined to believe its her menopause coupled with an unsatisfying sexual relationship. Unless you know she's been unfaithful to you, the cheating she did 25 years ago is way in the past. Have you held that against her all this time? What behaviors does she have that are on this list?

http://www.authorsden.com/visit/view...e.asp?id=28895

1. Cheating spouse spends more time away from home. The cheater needs to spend more time with his love interest so they must make up more excuses to be away such as working late, unexplained errands and increased travel.
2. Cheating husband or wife has noticeable cell phone habit changes. The cheater doesn’t answer their phone around you, turns the ringer off or takes longer than usual to call you back. If you have access to the cheating partner’s cell phone bill, check for calls made during odd times or of long duration.
3. Cheater’s clothes smell of alcohol, smoke, perfume or cologne.
4. Cheating spouse clears his computer history, utilizes free email accounts such as gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc..., spends odd hours or unusually long times on the computer, changes screen display when you enter the room.
5. Cheater is not interested in sex as much.
6. Cheating husband or wife is unusually defensive or starts ignoring you.
7. Cheating spouse starts using cash more often.
8. Cheating spouse suddenly starts doing their own laundry or dropping off their own dry cleaning.
9. Cheating spouse has higher than usual car mileage.
10. Cheating husband or wife wants to travel and attend functions alone.
11. Cheater has unexplained receipts in their car, wallet or desk.
12. Cheating spouse suddenly joins a gym, changes diet, gets a new hair style, starts visiting tanning salon, buys new clothes and/or lingerie.
13. They begin bathing or showering more frequently.
14. Cheating husband or wife asks about your schedule more often than usual.
15. Cheating spouse stops cuddling, kissing or holding hands.
16. Cheater may have new or unusual sexual requests.
17. Cheating spouse is always “too tired” for you.
18. The lose interest in domestic activities such as spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc... because they need this time for their affair.
19. Cheating husband or wife becomes unusually nice, brings you more gifts than usual and is more affectionate because of guilt feelings and time spent away.
20. Cheater starts finding fault in everything you do to justify the affair in their mind.

Last edited by lordmayhem; 05-05-2012 at 12:42 AM.
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she sleeping around?

No in all this time I brought it up once a few years back and it was done in anger. For the last five years she started going out to grocery store late at night but it doesn't seem to be gone long enough to do to much. I agree with you it hasn't been much of a sexually life, we had our first kid a year after being married so we never really got to spend a lot of us time prior to having kids. I am heavly stress and having medical issues and just not feeling like my normal self. My mind is racked and thoughts all the time about her sleeping with someone else, I have woke up with dreams of her cheating me but agian never has shown any signs of messing around. I am a computer person so I have found no evidence on her pc or phone. I just have this nagging feeling and a few weeks ago I did tell her that if she wasn't happy with me I would rather have her go find her happiness with someone else then stick around with me. One kid is in college and comes home every few weekends and the other one is in HS still for one more year and for the last 5 years we can't have intercourse while either one is home or the possibility of them coming home.
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Old 05-05-2012, 01:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she sleeping around?

No matter what she's doing @ this point you don't know anything, give her the bennefit of doubt. Date her, smile @ her, flirt w/ her, grab her aXX, do the things that made her fall in love w/ U. Go to the store w/ her and if she's cheating....she will be clear about you being too close. @ that point ask her to go to MC, tell her you want to be on fire for eachother again, you don't just want a spark in ur marriage, you want a FIRE!!! One way or the other she'll come clean, she won't be able to stand the extra attention if she has a lover on the side, and if she loves the extra attention...you just saved ur marriage. Good luck brother.
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Old 05-05-2012, 02:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she sleeping around?

Mayhem, and Mouse are giving you good advice

Does she work---how much time away from the home, does she spend

Cut off the late night grocery store trips, if for no other reason than safety, they should not be happening, and yes they are not the normal thing-----as was said you can shop with her, you, yourself can do the shopping, if she wants to shop, then she does it in the daytime when it's safe to go out.

If your gut is talking to you---then something may well be wrong---but you must have proof----there are many cheaters who get away with cheating cuz they are very discreet, and plan very well----an enourmous number of betrayed's never know!!!!!

To her, you at this point are not stirring her up, and sexwise you are repugnant to her----you, or both of you, might want to go to a sex therapist---to solve the sexual problem

You have not spoken of how badly she needs to be satisfied physically, but if she does not have physical completion, she may well be getting it elsewhere----You need to get some answers, whether it be forced discussion, or therapy---you, yourself, are not in a healthy situation, and it won't change, until you get your answers.
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Old 05-05-2012, 04:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she sleeping around?

It doesn't matter at this point. YOU need to start working out, lose some weight, improve yourself, stop acting needy.

Are you less desirable than you used to be? Take action to fix it.
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Old 05-05-2012, 04:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she sleeping around?

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and a GPS. These grocery trips seem odd. Plant the the VAR under her car seat. The GPS will either confirm or deny her shopping trips.

Is she actually bring home groceries after these late night trips?

Getting some answers thru your own investigation will help you validate your next step to all of this.
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Old 05-05-2012, 07:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she sleeping around?

Michael,

Do not think of your wife right now.

Focus on you.

Lose the weight. I have personally lost over 40lbs in the past 6 months.

Fix the ED. I was diagnosed with diabetes. It has put a cramp on the loving. Diet, exercise, weight loss works wonders. Have the Dr. give you some viagra but not until you do the other 3 items listed first.

I guarantee you that some self improvement will not go unnoticed by your wife. Mine has noticed big time and we have a very healthy marriage. I have 3 teenage daughters in the house too so I know the feeling my man about alone time.

Fix you first. Show your wife that you want the benefits of the marriage through your actions, not words.

I guarantee you she will notice and come along for the ride.

HM64
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she sleeping around?

1. VAR. 2. Change your lifestyle. 3. Cialis. 4. Do you snore and have sleep apnea?

Sometimes, it's not sleeping around, it's discontent, lack of respect and a disconnect. A VAR can give you insight into how she talks about you behind your back.

Get in shape. That doesn't mean you get rock hard abs, but cut out the high carbs like fries and breads and excess rice. No regular sodas, no fruit juice.

Cialis must have been invented by the Greek gods. Don't tell her you are taking it. She will notice something different and think you must be finding her more attractive.

And don't discount ED and being tired due to sleep apnea.
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she sleeping around?

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmygut View Post
It doesn't matter at this point. YOU need to start working out, lose some weight, improve yourself, stop acting needy.

Are you less desirable than you used to be? Take action to fix it.
I agree, working out and getting in shape will have many benefits. It will make you feel better and feel better about yourself. The sexual effects are significant.
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