Yes, but.....I will not be vindictive. I am going to take the advice and take her to the lawyer about the video. She is writing letters. She agreed to go to counseling, which is a deal breaker if she does not.
She is being put out there in front of others to have to say it out loud. But I won't, I can't make her life hell.....that is not who I have become. I am proud of where I have come from and I will not do anything that will make me feel like I am going backwards.
It's not like I didn't entertain all kinds of thoughts of how to get revenge....but I squash it all and move on.
I agree with your stance as long as you realize that there is a difference between appropriate consequence and vindictiveness and that you don't hold back on getting what you need out of the R and the marriage.
I've said the following a kajillion times and I'll say it again-
what's needed for proper R and if she breaks any of it you file for D
1) No contact, NC letters are recommended and she must ignore all attempts that he makes to contact her. If the WS works with the OM then she must quit. If OM contacts her, she ignores it and tells you of it right away.
2) Transparency- she gives up all passwords, lets you look at her phone and informs you of her whereabouts at all times. IOW if she runs late due to traffic she calls to tell you if it. You also need to verify through your own means (ie spy tech) without telling her to help rebuild trust
3) She demonstrates 100% remorse and accepts the blame for the affair, no gaslighting, trickle truth or blameshifting, she does the heavy lifting to help you heal. See the chart in the newbie link for more info
4) You spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time (no TV) to rebond.