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post #136 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 10:36 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Originally Posted by cledus_snow View Post
i've heard of situations like these before.....the video, i mean.

there is no legal recourse, except when putting a person's likeness in some sort of media venue-- a porn site, for instance.

if she willingly participated in the taping, she has no way of forcing the other party to destroy it. he(OM) has rights to said media, as well.


I think its a lost cause. Once its uploaded to the web, it goes viral and is copied from site to site under different names. And even then, you would have to wade thru tons and tons and tons of amateur submitted porn to locate a particular video. I once looked for tover26's WW, and realized the futility of trying to locate it and just gave up.


Last edited by lordmayhem; 05-07-2012 at 10:45 AM.
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post #137 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

My father, who went through this and is still married 40 years later, told me that he regretted how he reacted to my mother. I asked him how he dealt with it and he said, "I'm not proud of how I reacted, I made your mother pay." and he begged me not to do the same. He and I are alot alike, as a matter of fact, I got the best and worst of my parents, it's like a 50/50 split.

I will take her to the lawyer with me about the video. I think that is fair that she hear what the consequences are and have to explain why she didn't know she was being "taped" by the OM.
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post #138 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 10:39 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Mr. A, does the OM's wife know about the video? What has been her reaction to all this? Is she rugsweeping? I would bring her in on this video fiasco if you can.
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post #139 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 10:41 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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My father, who went through this and is still married 40 years later, told me that he regretted how he reacted to my mother. I asked him how he dealt with it and he said, "I'm not proud of how I reacted, I made your mother pay." and he begged me not to do the same.
It worked for your father though..
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post #140 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 10:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

You know what really sucks? I turn 40 in a week. I don't normally celebrate my birthday....the only birthday I really celebrated was my 21st. I had considered having a party to celebrate but now....I just don't care. Funny, the reason I don't celebrate my birthday is bad things seemed to happen to close to my birthday so it really became a tainted event for me. The one time I consider doing something because of the milestone....and this.
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post #141 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Mr. A, does the OM's wife know about the video? What has been her reaction to all this? Is she rugsweeping? I would bring her in on this video fiasco if you can.
It's kinda sick....I did text the OM's wife and she acted like I was making it up. I told he to get tested because of the herpes and she said, "Herpes?, now your reaching!"

I haven't told her about the video. Personally, I am afraid to. The OM used to tell me he worried that his wife had narcissistic personality disorder....laughable now....but given her reaction I don't know what she would do if she knew. They had a F'd up sex life....threeways, gang stuff and the like. And I think OM has beat his wife down emotionally to the point that she will believe anything that he says.

My wife is writing her a letter too. I told my wife she needs to mail it to her work because the OM will intercept if not.
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post #142 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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It worked for your father though..
Yes, but.....I will not be vindictive. I am going to take the advice and take her to the lawyer about the video. She is writing letters. She agreed to go to counseling, which is a deal breaker if she does not.

She is being put out there in front of others to have to say it out loud. But I won't, I can't make her life hell.....that is not who I have become. I am proud of where I have come from and I will not do anything that will make me feel like I am going backwards.

It's not like I didn't entertain all kinds of thoughts of how to get revenge....but I squash it all and move on.
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post #143 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 11:00 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Arachnid, you are getting some very good advice here. The main thing you need to focus on, is your own personal recovery (not the recovery of the marriage, it is too soon for that) and the well-being of your kids. Once you have seen the Doctor and gotten medication or whatever else he recommends, then there is time to work on making a decision about D or R. Your wife's feelings shouldn't influence what you do , in any way, for the moment. You absolutely need her to take a polygraph, even the threat of one will sometimes force the cheater to tell the complete story, and stop the trickle truth. You can't have any control over your future, if you don't have a good handle on the past. GET TO THE BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING!! Make sure that BOTH families know what happened, including your wife's family. Don NOT try to hide this.
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post #144 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 11:17 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Takes some time off.

I didn't and it effected my performance and was labed as a flake, I have been getting passed over for work b/c of this crap.

I did how ever approach my boss months later and he recommend I do some PR work to improve my rep. and do my best to get this"label" removed.

Its been tough but in hind site I should have taken at least a week off the days after I confronted my wife.

Please reconsider, call it a family emergency.
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post #145 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 11:28 AM
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Yes, but.....I will not be vindictive. I am going to take the advice and take her to the lawyer about the video. She is writing letters. She agreed to go to counseling, which is a deal breaker if she does not.

She is being put out there in front of others to have to say it out loud. But I won't, I can't make her life hell.....that is not who I have become. I am proud of where I have come from and I will not do anything that will make me feel like I am going backwards.

It's not like I didn't entertain all kinds of thoughts of how to get revenge....but I squash it all and move on.
Before I read this Evil Bandit.45 was going to recommend that you fly to Nevada and spend your birthday in the loving arms of one of that state's finest professionals, but I see you are a man of principle. Sucks having morals doesn't it?

Does your wife know about the OM's kinky sex life with his wife? Does she know she is the indirect recipient of all the biological detritus from all those times his wife pulled a train?
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post #146 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 11:28 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Originally Posted by MrArachnid View Post
Yes, but.....I will not be vindictive. I am going to take the advice and take her to the lawyer about the video. She is writing letters. She agreed to go to counseling, which is a deal breaker if she does not.

She is being put out there in front of others to have to say it out loud. But I won't, I can't make her life hell.....that is not who I have become. I am proud of where I have come from and I will not do anything that will make me feel like I am going backwards.

It's not like I didn't entertain all kinds of thoughts of how to get revenge....but I squash it all and move on.
I agree with your stance as long as you realize that there is a difference between appropriate consequence and vindictiveness and that you don't hold back on getting what you need out of the R and the marriage.


I've said the following a kajillion times and I'll say it again-

what's needed for proper R and if she breaks any of it you file for D

1) No contact, NC letters are recommended and she must ignore all attempts that he makes to contact her. If the WS works with the OM then she must quit. If OM contacts her, she ignores it and tells you of it right away.

2) Transparency- she gives up all passwords, lets you look at her phone and informs you of her whereabouts at all times. IOW if she runs late due to traffic she calls to tell you if it. You also need to verify through your own means (ie spy tech) without telling her to help rebuild trust

3) She demonstrates 100% remorse and accepts the blame for the affair, no gaslighting, trickle truth or blameshifting, she does the heavy lifting to help you heal. See the chart in the newbie link for more info

4) You spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time (no TV) to rebond.

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My story
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post #147 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 11:41 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

My H also had an affair with my best friend. I immediately removed her from my life - now I'm not so sure that was the best approach. It left the door wide open for them to continue seeing each other and I had no influence on her once we were no longer friends.

Of course when the **** hit the fan H became a really good liar, and I was duped for about 3 years. It's been ten + years since and I still am visited by the "images" on a regular basis. I don't know if they ever go away.

Having been there, I feel for you. The only advice I can offer is to be true to yourself and follow your heart - but don't leave yourself vulnerable to another EA or PA - make certain she knows that you will stand firm and leave her if she does it again.

Good luck to you.
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post #148 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 11:53 AM
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She is being put out there in front of others to have to say it out loud. But I won't, I can't make her life hell.....that is not who I have become. I am proud of where I have come from and I will not do anything that will make me feel like I am going backwards.

It's not like I didn't entertain all kinds of thoughts of how to get revenge....but I squash it all and move on.
Having her own it isn't vindictive. In fact it's ultimately therapeutic for her because it is imposing real and concrete consequences for choosing the affair.

Cruel and vindictive would be you haranguing her for years over and over, or a revenge affair even if you only made up a story about having one.

I'm worried about your fathers advice, because it sounds like he thinks you should rugsweep and just move on. That is a very bad way to act since it doesnt resolve any of the hurt or anger you have, and it leaves your wife with a sense of no harm no foul and thinking that next time there will also be no consequences.

Right now I recommend following through on the letters, lawyer and therapy. Hold her to her promises and don't give her an easy pass on this stuff. Like a muscle, you need to do the hardwook here, especially her and short cuts will only yield bad results.
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post #149 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 11:57 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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She said she didn't know he was videoing until after and he showed her. I tend to believe that....since you're not always facing the other person.
And you believe her??? Dude, time for you to man-up big time. You have to realize that cheaters are expert liars.

What you're doing a the moment is rationalizing in order to diminish the pain the event.

I don't believe for one second that she wasn't aware of camera. "Deny deny deny until you die" is the motto of cheaters. They become so accustomed to lying that they feel no more guilt. This particular forum caters to BS and ways to deal with WS. But there are other forums which are completely dedicated to cheaters and have their how support system. As for your wife, chances are very high that she perceives you as a major ********* since you're not acting like a man... ie: getting divorce papers, kicking her out... stuff like this. This is the only language they really understand.

My advice to you: DTB ASAP or expect a few years of crap lies from the wife with ongoing secret hookups.
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post #150 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 12:18 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Oh gosh, a video was involved too?

How'd you find out about that? Did she tell you?

I wish these long threads had Cliff Notes.
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