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post #16 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 07:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Make sure that you are ready to follow through with this, she probably doesn't believe that you will.

Make yourself strong and make sure that she knows how strong you are becoming. Prepare yourself my friend, make yourself better, with her or without her.


She knows that I am a 'Say what you mean and mean what you say' kind of person. She knows I am serious. I will not get run over again. I will wash my hands of this relationship is she does this ever again. I love her dearly but I am not a welcome mat.

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post #17 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 07:30 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Wait she had sex three times with your best friend?

What exactly is she doing for your forgiveness?
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post #18 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 07:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Yeah, take it slow and keep your mind open to the high possibility that R won't work.

I will copy a post from my thread on dealing with anger and mind images, these links are helping me.

Thanks! I will definitely read that. I hope she will too but I am not hinging my healing on her.
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post #19 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 07:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Wait she had sex three times with your best friend?

What exactly is she doing for your forgiveness?
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She has been more attentive. She is respecting my space and not pushing me to talk. She answers anything I ask.

I have decided to be in control of myself....In the past, I would have drove to his house....drug him out and beat the ever living $#!+ out of him....but I know that would do nothing to help and just land me in jail.

I told her that I don't even want to be naked in front of her right now because I feel cheap.

I told her that I want to be intimate but I need time.

She seems to be trying to let me know that she is sorry.

Last edited by MrArachnid; 05-05-2012 at 09:09 AM.
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post #20 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 07:40 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Make sure to keep checking up on her cell usage,whereabouts, etc. sometimes cheater's show fake remorse and go back to their habits.

If you haven't already you need to expose this to her/your parents and OM's family.
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post #21 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 07:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

For me forgiveness does not mean holding a grudge. I know it is very soon since this all happened. I am holding to what I know. I told her that I forgive her and that it is a process. 70 x 7 a day....and I will get past this.

My parents have been married for 42 years and my mother cheated on my father. I have asked my wife to talk to my mom because I know my wife has feelings of guilt and shame....she has expressed that. I just don't want those feeling to overwhelm her and create more issues.

Personally, I think that us going to talk to a counselor and if I can get her to talk to my mom about herself....will drive home the reality and gravity of what she really did to US and that maybe having to say it to someone other than me will make it more real for her.
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post #22 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 07:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Make sure to keep checking up on her cell usage,whereabouts, etc. sometimes cheater's show fake remorse and go back to their habits.

If you haven't already you need to expose this to her/your parents and OM's family.
I have talked to my parents already. They are not judgmental people and have been through this themselves. She has not told her parents. Is that really necessary?

I told "my friends" wife because she needed to know and that she needed to be tested for risk of infection. She acted like I was crazy and barking up the wrong tree. Didn't believe me about the herpes....even after I offered to send a Med Report to validate what I said. I did all that I could to let her know.
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post #23 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 07:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Did you got the complete truth from her? Is she Trickle Truth or in damage control? Are you sure about the time line she gave and details regarding A?

I believe that, she know that she is caught, so she went to internet and collected details of how to convince you with what she think you will belive, she may be doing that. First get the truth completely then take your own time and decide whether to R or D, till then put the marriage under suspension and inform it to her. You should know completely what you are forgiving? Forgiveness should be hardly earned by her doing the right thing.

Did you exposed the Affair to her and your family? Did you exposed the A to OMs wife? If not do that first.

The OM's wife, yes. My parents, yes, because they survived the same thing.

It seems vengeful to tell her parent's....I am not wanting to go the vengeful route.
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post #24 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 08:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Are any of you still married after an affair? How long has it been? Is the marriage stronger, if you stayed together? Did the trust return or do you still have issues?
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post #25 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 08:12 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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The OM's wife, yes. My parents, yes, because they survived the same thing.

It seems vengeful to tell her parent's....I am not wanting to go the vengeful route.
Exposure is usually used to snap the WS out of their affair and back to reality. It can also be used to make sure there is no backsliding after NC is established. Since you have already exposed to your parents and the OM's wife and you are verifying NC I would tend to agree with you. However, that said Morrigan told her family what she did as part of her showing remorse. I did not demand it but it certainly went a long way toward making me feel more comfortable in the marriage. Would your wife voluntarily tell her parents? It would prove that she is accepting the consequences of her actions and not trying to minimize what she did or hide from her responsibility.

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post #26 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 08:17 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Are any of you still married after an affair? How long has it been? Is the marriage stronger, if you stayed together? Did the trust return or do you still have issues?
Morrigan and I are still married 20 years later. She had an affair that lasted several months. We are extremely happy and our marriage is indeed stronger. I do trust her but the trust now is different. The trust I had before was based on naivety and the belief that she could never do something so injurious to me. The trust I have now is a more mature trust based on the fact that we are all human, we all can hurt one another and we all have the ability if not the propensity to be selfish. I feel what I have now is more realistic and based on common sense and not blind innocence.
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post #27 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 08:20 AM
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Are any of you still married after an affair? How long has it been? Is the marriage stronger, if you stayed together? Did the trust return or do you still have issues?
Hi. Sorry for you having to go through this. My H had an affair (month long) 4 years ago. Yes we are still together. The trust does return, but it's never the same. Our marriage is better then before. It helps so much if ur spouse is truly sorry and transparent. Mine was. I still get mad and think about things every now and then. I checked up on his phone, gps, ect like daily for that first year. Now I do once a month maybe, it makes me feel better to check. Maybe one day I will stop checking, but I'm not ready. It's a hard thing to live with, but if both sides work...it can truly be a better marriage. I am living proof. Best of luck to you.

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post #28 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 08:21 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Have you wife write a NC letter, you'll find examples oh this site. She shoud show it to you. Then you will send it to the O
M and a copy of it to his wife.

As part of the consequences and her owning the affair she does need to tell her parents. You should also tell mutual friends that would normally be part of the social circle involving the OM and you why you cannot continue to be around the OM, what a piece of thrash the OM is for doing this with you wife, so that they know why can never be around him again, and do they know what kind of man he is.

Your wife need to get tested for STDs since even if she has herpes, the OM may have still given her something too.

As for forgiveness, do bit rush that. So far you are still dealing with the initial shock. Sure she's been around trying to help with that. BUT that isn't at all dealing with how she could repeatedly choose to cheat with him and lie to you. This wasn't a drunken crossing the line with a kiss. This was a deliberately chosen act by her to cheat with him on many occasions.

Don't assume you know the whole truth,don't assume he was the first. All you know know is that the wife you thought could never cheat, is in fact completely capable and willing to cheat, and completely capable of looking you in the eye afterward and lie without guilt. So don't rush to forgive and don't rush to accept it and try to move on. You really need to slow down and honestly rreexamine her and the marriage and see if the person you now see she is, is someone you should be with at all.

Ask her, why you should let her stay with you. And demand an answer beyond sone fluff answer.

Consider her situation, this affair got deep enough that the OM appears to be ready to leave his wife for yours. That means its pretty deep.

Before you accept her back and try to work on R, really takes time to look at the real person your wife is, and ask yourself why you should let her be with you. What's in it for you? What kind of marriage will you be living in a year from now?
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post #29 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 08:25 AM
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The OM's wife, yes. My parents, yes, because they survived the same thing.

It seems vengeful to tell her parent's....I am not wanting to go the vengeful route.
It can be seen as vengeful,mbut it also her owning up to why your marriage relationship is on the line. It becomes an act of remorse and honesty on her part to come clean about it. It also removes it a secret you are keeping. I personally find it unacceptable that the BS ends up part of the conspiracy of silence if they choose to keep secret the affair. The VS should never br in the situation of helping protect the affair from discovery.
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post #30 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 08:29 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Have you wife write a NC letter, you'll find examples oh this site. She shoud show it to you. Then you will send it to the O
M and a copy of it to his wife.

As part of the consequences and her owning the affair she does need to tell her parents. You should also tell mutual friends that would normally be part of the social circle involving the OM and you why you cannot continue to be around the OM, what a piece of thrash the OM is for doing this with you wife, so that they know why can never be around him again, and do they know what kind of man he is.

Your wife need to get tested for STDs since even if she has herpes, the OM may have still given her something too.

As for forgiveness, do bit rush that. So far you are still dealing with the initial shock. Sure she's been around trying to help with that. BUT that isn't at all dealing with how she could repeatedly choose to cheat with him and lie to you. This wasn't a drunken crossing the line with a kiss. This was a deliberately chosen act by her to cheat with him on many occasions.

Don't assume you know the whole truth,don't assume he was the first. All you know know is that the wife you thought could never cheat, is in fact completely capable and willing to cheat, and completely capable of looking you in the eye afterward and lie without guilt. So don't rush to forgive and don't rush to accept it and try to move on. You really need to slow down and honestly rreexamine her and the marriage and see if the person you now see she is, is someone you should be with at all.

Ask her, why you should let her stay with you. And demand an answer beyond sone fluff answer.

Consider her situation, this affair got deep enough that the OM appears to be ready to leave his wife for yours. That means its pretty deep.

Before you accept her back and try to work on R, really takes time to look at the real person your wife is, and ask yourself why you should let her be with you. What's in it for you? What kind of marriage will you be living in a year from now?
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Shaggy is right. Continue to talk and verify her responses. There is one thing I'd like to add. If her story checks out remember she broke it off and pushed him away. That means you will never have to consider yourself her second choice. That is a deal breaker for many BS.
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