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post #31 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 08:29 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Does she know you can track her, GPS, email, texts etc.? If she knows this the affair can go underground, it happens. VARs are a must.

Also this has been posted before and it might help:

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights

30 Oct 2008 4 Comments

by jemjesterin adultery, betrayal, life, recoveryTags: affair, betrayed, cheating, infidelity, recovery, rights, self respect

I posted this today on a support board and felt I should share it here.

Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights
In a world where a marriage is as likely to end as not, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto your loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes.

1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.

2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.

3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to ‘think about it’. There’s a marriage or there’s none.

4- You have a right to know who the OP is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.

5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.

6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs will admit to “only a kiss” when it has gone much further.

7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honors NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.

8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This you protecting yourself.

9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.

10- You have a right to know who your WS’s friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.

11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.

12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, “You’ll never get over this!” does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.

13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.

14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honor and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You don’t have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.

15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.

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post #32 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 08:34 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Reqiured reading:

Married Man Sex Life

His Needs Her Needs

Five Love Languages

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this


No More Mr. Nice Guy
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post #33 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Wow...this is overwhelming. I am completely impressed by the responses. I was feelings like the only man in the world who has had this happen....even though I know that not to be true. This is really helping me to understand some steps other have taken to heal.

I am not blindly trusting her. I know she is remorseful....she has been crying to me and trying to be affectionate without overstepping my intimacy boundaries. I hurt because of the affair....it cost me security in my marriage and it also cost me a 20 year friendship. But, I also hurt for her....I know she feels ashamed and guilty, if she didn't then I would have no choice but to leave.....This is the kind of man I am.....I'm not a pushover by any means but I am sensitive.

She has been telling me that we need to work out the things that were trouble areas in our relationship from before the affair.....but as she said, "not until I know you are healing".

I need to feel respected again. I need to know that she loves me and not the "I'm sorry I screwed up"...loves me but the "I will do whatever I have to let you know that I love you" kind of love me.

I feel like less of a man.....and that is difficult.
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post #34 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:24 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

I think there is a huge problem here. First, what kind of a wife would have a sexual affair with her husband's best friend? This is really sick and she knew that it would be a double betrayal to you and putting your health at risk for STD's as well. She knew she was engaging in this behavior that would emotionally kill you and did it anyway. Is it possible that she engaged in this affair because she knew even if she got caught you would forgive her anyway so there was nothing to lose?

If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think that your wife would have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? What gave her permission to think it was acceptable to be screwing another man and your best friend at that. I am sorry but she has a broken moral compass. In addition, she lied to your face and tried to make you think you were crazy. This is really sick. I bet she and your best friend was having a good laugh over this. I think you need to consult an attorney just to understand your options. Right now it seems like you have given her a free pass and there have been not enough consequences to her actions. Why was she willing to destroy your marriage?
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post #35 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 11:06 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Quote:
I found all of this out last Sunday night
Since this just happened, you have a long road ahead of you. You don't have to decide right now what you want to do about your marriage.

Don't be in a hurry to make decisions - you will probably go through a roller-coaster of emotions, repeatedly, after the shock wears off. You have the right to change your mind about what you want to do or don't want to do. You don't have to decide anything right now.

While it is true that your marriage might not have been in the best of shape leading up to the affair, cheating is not an automatic response to trouble in a marriage. That's a choice she made INSTEAD OF working with you to make your marriage better. You are partially responsible for the state of your marriage, but she is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat on you.

Your wife has poor conflict resolution skills, poor boundaries, and poor judgment. She might need to go into counseling herself to work through her own issues, as well as marriage counseling with you.

Whatever she might say now, she chose your best friend for this. Sure, he might have been "convenient" but she knew that having sex with your best friend would hurt you MORE than if she'd had an affair with someone you didn't know. Consider why she would want to compound the pain of an affair by having it with your best friend - why did she want to hurt you that bad? Or, why didn't she care how much more it would hurt you?

Do you have children? Send them away to the grandparents for a while when you get to the point that your shock wears off and your anger hits. Or send them to summer camp or something. This will be a very difficult time for you and your wife and it might be best to shield them from the raw pain and anguish.

You can get through this, but you are in no place to make decisions about forgiveness right now. It's a common reaction for the BS to want to "save" the marriage when they first hear of the affair; don't feel bad about yourself if you find that you change your mind about that or see that you really just can't live with it.

Good luck to you.
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post #36 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 11:42 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

You think your wife only had sex three times with your best friend, then your wife ended it, then he came to your house to tell your wife that he is in love with her.

Can you see how that does not make sense?

He is not likely to be so madly in love to come to your house to woo her away from you after only three sexual encounters.

Getting the truth about the extent of the affair happens literally one out of a thousand times on these forums. If they say it lasted three weeks, it usually means it lasted six months; if they say they only had sex three times, it usually means they had sex 30 times. They all say the other person pursued them and they finally gave in.

Even when they confess unprompted out of guilt, when they start to tell you and see the hurt, they can't help but minimize.

If you want to get the truth out of your wife, tell her you will be scheduling a polygraph on the key details - how long the affair lasted, how many times, etc. Then do it.

In my opinion it is important to show her that you will not accept her lies about the affair and you really will not be a doormat anymore.
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post #37 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 12:07 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

One thing that may help you get over the affair is to have your wife handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man. In the letter, she should state how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking your marriage and hurting the person she loves the most in this world, her husband. She should include in the letter that the other man should never try to contact her again and that, if he does, she will file harassment charges against him. She should sign the letter and give it to you along with an envelope addressed to the other man for you to mail.

Tell her if the other man tries to contact her, she must not respond and must let you know immediately.

Another thing is to remove triggers. Any undergarments/clothes she wore to be sexy for the other man should be thrown away. Where did the sexual encounters take place? If they were in your house, it might help to get rid of the mattress or couch where the sex happened.

She does seem like she's trying to help you get over it. Just don't be fooled - all of the "tracking" and "spy" type stuff you have in place is pretty easily beatable. For example, she could leave a phone with gps at work, in the car, etc., to fool you about her location.

Exposure to her parents at this point is kind of a preemptive move. If she has a moment of weakness and contacts the other man or he contacts her and she doesn't tell you about it, which happens way more often than not, it helps if her parents know the situation ahead of time. They can support your marriage and help keep her from straying. It's not an immediate concern, but things can change quicklyl. As you try to reconcile, there will be many arguments and difficulties. Also, her cheating is the truth. Part of healing is owning up to the truth of our own actions.
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post #38 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 12:33 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Originally Posted by bryanp View Post
I think there is a huge problem here. First, what kind of a wife would have a sexual affair with her husband's best friend? This is really sick and she knew that it would be a double betrayal to you and putting your health at risk for STD's as well. She knew she was engaging in this behavior that would emotionally kill you and did it anyway. Is it possible that she engaged in this affair because she knew even if she got caught you would forgive her anyway so there was nothing to lose?
I don't believe that most cheaters are so choosy as far as their selection of an AP is concerned. The OM just happens to be at the right place at the right time to take advantage of the situation. In this situation, the OP just happened to be the OP's "best friend".

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #39 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 12:35 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I walked in on my wife and my best friend/best man. It's been 2 1/2 years. We are together. It has not been easy but I'm glad we R. You are spot on in talking with your mother and having your W talk with your mother. Without my mother, I don't think my wife and I would be together today. Experience and wisdom go a long way.

It's good to hear that your W wants to read up on how to have a better marriage. It truly takes two.
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post #40 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 12:38 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

I've had this taste of double betrayal and it sucks. Its been 2 yrs since I confronted my fWW and R is going great. We both have become better spouses, and Mrs. the_guy has learned alot about her self and has been given the tools through IC to be an emotionally healthy person.

Your chick realy should start some IC, it makes for good preventitive maintence. If you know what I mean?

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post #41 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 12:40 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Best friends talk to both spouses and urge them to seek marital counseling to resolve their issues. They don't take advantage of their friends marital problems in order to seduce their friends wives.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #42 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 12:49 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

No kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The night me and the fww had a blow out at the bar infront of everybody, including BF, is the night bf followed fWW in the womens rest room to "comfort" her.

Go figure!


Sorry for the thread jack Mr. A-
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post #43 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 12:58 PM
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Originally Posted by MrArachnid View Post
I feel like less of a man.....and that is difficult.
Try not to feel like that, you are no less of a man for what happened to you.

Adversity does not change who you are, who you are changes adversity.

I want to speak ill of your wife as little as possible, but since my wife did the same thing, and with a friend as well, I feel safe saying that this was an act of cowardice on her part. She showed you that she is less of a woman than you expected, and instead of fixing marital problems or leaving you, she sought solace with someone else, and now it is on her to turn that around.
Your friend is the one that is less of a man for taking advantage of the problems in your marriage instead of telling you how far the problems have gone.

There is no room in your life for such negativity, I commend you for giving her another chance, I also commend you if you decide to leave her over this, the only thing that will make you less of a man is becoming a doormat, and you don't sound like you are heading towards that.

Keep your head up high brother, and be proud. There are people out there that would never treat you like this, I hope for you and me both that our wives stay true to this path.
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post #44 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 02:17 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Morrigan and I are still married 20 years later. She had an affair that lasted several months. We are extremely happy and our marriage is indeed stronger. I do trust her but the trust now is different. The trust I had before was based on naivety and the belief that she could never do something so injurious to me. The trust I have now is a more mature trust based on the fact that we are all human, we all can hurt one another and we all have the ability if not the propensity to be selfish. I feel what I have now is more realistic and based on common sense and not blind innocence.
I may be none of my business, so , ignore this if you feel I am overstepping.
But, I have seen this type of trust described by others and, frankly, it perplexes me bothas to how one can really consider this a form of trust, and how one relaxes to the extent it would be neccessary for to enjoy the relationship.
The vigilance required would destroy my ability to let down and be vulnerable to my spouse, such that I wuld feel comfortable just enjoying our life together.
And, it does not meet the definiton of trust,IMO. It is like saying " I trust you, but I do not trust you",IYKNWIM.
Again, I do not mean to offend this poster, but there is no way I can accept what he describes as any form of trust.
It may be a workable, enjoyable enough existence for him and I do not dispute that. But, it does not include trust as I understand trust.
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post #45 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 03:50 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Originally Posted by BigLiam View Post
I may be none of my business, so , ignore this if you feel I am overstepping.
But, I have seen this type of trust described by others and, frankly, it perplexes me bothas to how one can really consider this a form of trust, and how one relaxes to the extent it would be neccessary for to enjoy the relationship.
The vigilance required would destroy my ability to let down and be vulnerable to my spouse, such that I wuld feel comfortable just enjoying our life together.
And, it does not meet the definiton of trust,IMO. It is like saying " I trust you, but I do not trust you",IYKNWIM.
Again, I do not mean to offend this poster, but there is no way I can accept what he describes as any form of trust.
It may be a workable, enjoyable enough existence for him and I do not dispute that. But, it does not include trust as I understand trust.

On the other hand, since statistically, 75% of men and women admit they would have an affair if they knew they wouldn't get caught, I would suggest the kind of trust you are hoping for is really a fantasy. And I don't mean to offend you either.

If you want some eye opening info, google infidelity statistics, you will get a few hits.
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