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post #61 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:55 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Integrity of the spouses AND of the marriage is critical. It is what it is all about.

Some ways we can keep integrity are :

1) Having the right character to work towards the best interests of the marriage. This has to do with both good intentions AND the willingness to put in the work. It is also about being unselfish. Putting the marriage above all else. This is essential. Betrayal is wrong. If we have character we know this. We then take the steps to avoid betrayal. This als takes knowledge of what some possible steps are.

AND

2) Having the proper boundaries to avoid risky relationships where we can bond inappropriately with others. Just making relationship decisions by how we feel at the moment is a huge mistake. Having weak boundaries is flat wrong and selfish. Boundaries enable trust.

AND

3) Having Love and Respect for your partner, yourself and the marriage. Trust is a by product of these and therefore cannot rationally exist without these other two. Both partners must love and respect the other and the marriage. I do like trust. Just not blind trust. Trust is earned and is enabled by our spouses behavior and choices. Along with boundaries trust is enabled by transparency and communication.

AND

4) Partnership. A marriage is about two people who stand together. They are stronger together than apart. They meet each others needs. This reduces vulnerabilities. They look out for one another. This is a situation where trust can play a big role. If one spouse notices something inca relationship they are not comfortable with the other spouse should respect that, put the marriage first and trust that their spouse sees something that puts them in danger. Of course partnership goes much further. It infers joint behavior. I like the Policy Of Joint Agreement. Not single behavior.

All this said. Please do not misundertand my view here. It is very reasonable to expect our partner to honor their vows. However, we have to be savvy to know what it takes to protect our marriage from the challenges that come to it. We are stronger as a couple than as disparate individuals who just expect the other to live up to their bargain all on their own. It is putting on our adult pants and understanding that vigilance, transparency and communication are essential. This is being pragmatic. I wish it were otherwise. We are human and we can make bad choices. And yes there are bad people out there. Cheaters who will not honor their vows intentionally. I am not talking about them. They are toxic.

Now if someone cheats it is no way is the fault of the BS. It is all on the cheater. The above comments though are what a couple can do to avoid some common pitfalls in a marriage that unfortunately can lead to betrayal.
It helps with integrity.

I know I am coming on strong here. These are just my feelings but please do consider the above.


Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty

Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-05-2012 at 11:05 PM.
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post #62 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Originally Posted by morituri View Post
I don't believe that most cheaters are so choosy as far as their selection of an AP is concerned. The OM just happens to be at the right place at the right time to take advantage of the situation. In this situation, the OP just happened to be the OP's "best friend".

That is how I am seeing this. All she has done all day today is cry and apologize....she came clean about more details and has agreed to write letters. I wasn't happy to learn about the video on the OM's phone....which she said she asked him to delete immediately.....so I have a terrible feeling that this S**t storm is far from past.

I am catching myself in thousand yard stares......I am trying to get the images out of my head......the idea of the video and the content she confessed was on it.....has me reeling now. She wants to work this out, as do I, but I am having a very difficult time with this latest piece of information.

F**K ME!!
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post #63 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:58 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

I have no problem with the concept of watching each others' backs. Yet, to me, that seems entirely different that watching my spouse for signs of danger that he or she is inviting into the relationship.
The stats on infidelity vary , but I agree it is much more prevalent than I had ever imagined. Yet, the frequency is not so great that it is impossible to find someone that would not go down that road,IMO.
I think a lot of my philosophy on this stems from the fact that i do not subscribe to the dopamine/limerance theory all that much. I know chemicals are released. But, I also know that before a person gets to that stage where her brain is being bombarded with these chemicals, she has to take a lot of interim steps, consciously.
The best thing I think I can do is to go very slowly in courtship,postponing intimacy until i feel i really know the person and her history. There are signs, sometimes, in a person's history and attitudes etc that can alert one. I know they are not foolproof, but one can reduce the odds of getting involved with a cheater.
for me, these rare : a lot of promiscuity; any hsitory of any form of infidelity(either with a past partner or having interferred in someone elses relationship) and poor communication skills.
Also, a lack of integrity in other areas, like inconsitencies in stories, or dishonesty in financial or other matters.
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post #64 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:59 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

WTF? What kind of a friend would tape ***ing his buddies wife. F'd up world we live in.
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post #65 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 11:02 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Louisville Slugger , but I'm biased.
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post #66 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 11:09 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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WTF? What kind of a friend would tape ***ing his buddies wife. F'd up world we live in.
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You think you hear it all. World is getting F'd up more every day !!
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post #67 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 11:09 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000 View Post
Integrity of the spouses AND of the marriage is critical. It is what it is all about.

Some ways we can keep integrity are :

1) Having the right character to work towards the best interests of the marriage. This has to do with both good intentions AND the willingness to put in the work. It is also about being unselfish. Putting the marriage above all else. This is essential. Betrayal is wrong. If we have character we know this. We then take the steps to avoid betrayal. This als takes knowledge of what some possible steps are.

AND

2) Having the proper boundaries to avoid risky relationships where we can bond inappropriately with others. Just making relationship decisions by how we feel at the moment is a huge mistake. Having weak boundaries is flat wrong and selfish. Boundaries enable trust.

AND

3) Having Love and Respect for your partner, yourself and the marriage. Trust is a by product of these and therefore cannot rationally exist without these other two. Both partners must love and respect the other and the marriage. I do like trust. Just not blind trust. Trust is earned and is enabled by our spouses behavior and choices. Along with boundaries trust is enabled by transparency and communication.

AND

4) Partnership. A marriage is about two people who stand together. They are stronger together than apart. They meet each others needs. This reduces vulnerabilities. They look out for one another. This is a situation where trust can play a big role. If one spouse notices something inca relationship they are not comfortable with the other spouse should respect that, put the marriage first and trust that their spouse sees something that puts them in danger. Of course partnership goes much further. It infers joint behavior. I like the Policy Of Joint Agreement. Not single behavior.

All this said. Please do not misundertand my view here. It is very reasonable to expect our partner to honor their vows. However, we have to be savvy to know what it takes to protect our marriage from the challenges that come to it. We are stronger as a couple than as disparate individuals who just expect the other to live up to their bargain all on their own. It is putting on our adult pants and understanding that vigilance, transparency and communication are essential. This is being pragmatic. I wish it were otherwise. We are human and we can make bad choices. And yes there are bad people out there. Cheaters who will not honor their vows intentionally. I am not talking about them. They are toxic.

Now if someone cheats it is no way is the fault of the BS. It is all on the cheater. The above comments though are what a couple can do to avoid some common pitfalls in a marriage that unfortunately can lead to betrayal.
It helps with integrity.

I know I am coming on strong here. These are just my feelings but please do consider the above.
I agree with much of this. But, real trust( blind sounds a bit pejorative, but maybe accurate) is desirable to me.
I am sorry for diverting this discussion.
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post #68 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 11:09 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Originally Posted by MrArachnid View Post
That is how I am seeing this. All she has done all day today is cry and apologize....she came clean about more details and has agreed to write letters. I wasn't happy to learn about the video on the OM's phone....which she said she asked him to delete immediately.....so I have a terrible feeling that this S**t storm is far from past.

I am catching myself in thousand yard stares......I am trying to get the images out of my head......the idea of the video and the content she confessed was on it.....has me reeling now. She wants to work this out, as do I, but I am having a very difficult time with this latest piece of information.

F**K ME!!
WOW -- Just WOW !!
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post #69 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 11:11 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

MrA I can't say it but you know what to do.
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post #70 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 11:12 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

I am quite ancient. But, I find it somewhat shocking all the videotaping and sexting ala Brett Favre, that people seem to do now.
Why would your wife allow this?

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post #71 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 12:17 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Interesting how the trickle truth coming out is worse and worse. Really she knew exactly what she was doing and with him. Most woman know that many times just crying will make a man wilt.

Remaining in this marriage sends a clear message to your wife that you are willing to accept the ultimate in humiliation and disrespect from her. Her actions have shown that she has no respect for you or your marriage. One more time: if you do not respect yourself then who will?
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post #72 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 12:49 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

a woman does not love a man she does not respect-- plain and simple.

she does not respect you! you do the math.
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post #73 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 01:27 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Spider, regardless of all of the well-meaning posts about getting over an affair, you are in the beginning stages and need to know the bottom line, and believe me there is one. The bottom line is this: you need to know how long it was going on, if there were any other men, and how can she prove anything. Do not believe a word she says without proof. Don't blame your friend, because he isn't married to you, your wife is, and everything they did , she agreed to. He was a bad friend, but he made you no vows nor broke any promises to you. Youyr wife is the guilty party and nobody else. The Video is one example of her trying to minimize her guilt. . She may have asked him to delete it, but she knew he was doing it , in the first place, so how does that make it any better? If I were you, I would carefully consider divorce, she clearly cannot be trusted. Her guilt and shame aren't for you , it is fear of losing her home and family. She doesn't truly appear to be remorseful at all.
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post #74 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 06:12 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Originally Posted by Badblood View Post
Spider, regardless of all of the well-meaning posts about getting over an affair, you are in the beginning stages and need to know the bottom line, and believe me there is one. The bottom line is this: you need to know how long it was going on, if there were any other men, and how can she prove anything. Do not believe a word she says without proof. Don't blame your friend, because he isn't married to you, your wife is, and everything they did , she agreed to. He was a bad friend, but he made you no vows nor broke any promises to you. Youyr wife is the guilty party and nobody else. The Video is one example of her trying to minimize her guilt. . She may have asked him to delete it, but she knew he was doing it , in the first place, so how does that make it any better? If I were you, I would carefully consider divorce, she clearly cannot be trusted. Her guilt and shame aren't for you , it is fear of losing her home and family. She doesn't truly appear to be remorseful at all.
BB == you got to be kidding me. Don't blame his friend !!! His so called friend had a choice not to F his wife -- yet he chose to do it. And to rub it in his face -- he said -- why we F and deceive your husband and my "friend" let me video tape the deed. They both made the choice to do this so one party is not any less guilty than the other.

No -- IMO you are totally wrong here !! No "friend" screws around with his "friends wife" -- NO MATTER WHAT !!!
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post #75 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 07:42 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

he may be enjoying now watching the video of screwing your wife, wah, What a POS is your wife and your friend, you choose wrong people as your wife and friend.

She is surely in damage control what you got was the tip of the ice berg, prepare yourself for more.

Tell her, enough is enough and give her the D papers.
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