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post #76 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 07:43 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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That is how I am seeing this. All she has done all day today is cry and apologize....she came clean about more details and has agreed to write letters. I wasn't happy to learn about the video on the OM's phone....which she said she asked him to delete immediately.....so I have a terrible feeling that this S**t storm is far from past.

I am catching myself in thousand yard stares......I am trying to get the images out of my head......the idea of the video and the content she confessed was on it.....has me reeling now. She wants to work this out, as do I, but I am having a very difficult time with this latest piece of information.

F**K ME!!
You need to go to your doctor immediately. Immediate care center even. They can help you with some meds that others on this board say made the world of difference. Also working out,weight lifting is surprisingly effective.

Also, talk to an attorney, even if its to let your wife know what may happen. If she is remorseful and you can reconcile there is a wayward spouse instruction list I can post for you.

You definitely need IC with a counselor familiar with infiedlity and PTSD. This is the worst thing a person can go through, equal to losing a family member.

This is a rough ride but if you stay strong you will manage with time.

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post #77 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 07:51 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

So it's clear she had no fear of bring caught at all when she let him mske the video. In fact it shows that she trusted him more than she does and did you.

You are getting the trickle truth and it's going to be coming for a long while. I think the tears etc aren't for you or guilt, they are entirely for herself, for being found out, for the loss of her affair. Let me guess lots of poor me, I'm such a bad person, you don't deserve me etc.

Has there been any genuine and lasting concern for you and your emotions?
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post #78 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 08:25 AM
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post #79 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 08:30 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

There's a danger is being so forgiving so quickly.
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post #80 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 08:33 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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There's a danger is being so forgiving so quickly.
The danger is not in the forgiving but in allowing for a false R which means allowing things to go back as though the affair never happened (rug sweeping) and forcing himself to give back the trust without her earning it through actions of transparency and commitment to change herself for the better.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #81 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 11:28 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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BB == you got to be kidding me. Don't blame his friend !!! His so called friend had a choice not to F his wife -- yet he chose to do it. And to rub it in his face -- he said -- why we F and deceive your husband and my "friend" let me video tape the deed. They both made the choice to do this so one party is not any less guilty than the other.

No -- IMO you are totally wrong here !! No "friend" screws around with his "friends wife" -- NO MATTER WHAT !!!
Right. It is absurd to not blame the friend. Folks who usually say don't blame the AP assume that lets the WS off the hook. There is plenty of blame to go around. Sorry in this case there was a betrayal of a friend in addition to another man pursuing a married woman. He is double down culpable.

Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty

Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-06-2012 at 11:40 AM.
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post #82 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 11:48 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Don't blame your friend, because he isn't married to you, your wife is, and everything they did , she agreed to. He was a bad friend, but he made you no vows nor broke any promises to you. Your wife is the guilty party and nobody else. The Video is one example of her trying to minimize her guilt. . She may have asked him to delete it, but she knew he was doing it , in the first place, so how does that make it any better? If I were you, I would carefully consider divorce, she clearly cannot be trusted. Her guilt and shame aren't for you , it is fear of losing her home and family. She doesn't truly appear to be remorseful at all.
BB I agree that his wife is mostly to blame but to imply that the person he considered his best friend for 20 years would do something like this, should be excused is wrong.

A friend, especially a best friend, is a recipient of the kind of trust that is very close to that of close family members. By the very nature of being a best friend, the OM was allowed access to the home and friendship with the the OP's wife. A friendship he betrayed in the most foul way by pursuing and seducing the OP's wife during a time of marital hardship. To say that this is not a betrayal of trust and doesn't deserve to be blamed and scorned, is simply wrong.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #83 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 08:28 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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There's a danger is being so forgiving so quickly.
Absolutely. Forgiveness is earned not given. If she doesn't have to work for forgiveness she won't value it and the danger is that it may happen again.
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post #84 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 08:33 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

So the wife is a cheater and now a porn actress? What happens if the OM posts the video online? Would you put it past him?

Your wife is beyond saving. She and your best friend conspired to humiliate you in the worst way. Beyond selfish.... this is evil.

Divorce her.... yesterday.
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post #85 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 08:40 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

This is not salvageable right now. You both need to separate and really see if this is a possibility to save. There are way to many emotions to make any type of rational decision on your part. You need time to process this and accept it to really see if this will work for you at this point.

Remember, you can love someone and not be with them. Just because you love her, she definitely does not deserve the unconditional part of it right now. She added a crap ton of conditions to it.

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post #86 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 09:24 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

That is how I am seeing this. All she has done all day today is cry and apologize....she came clean about more details and has agreed to write letters. I wasn't happy to learn about the video on the OM's phone....which she said she asked him to delete immediately.....so I have a terrible feeling that this S**t storm is far from past.

I am catching myself in thousand yard stares......I am trying to get the images out of my head......the idea of the video and the content she confessed was on it.....has me reeling now. She wants to work this out, as do I, but I am having a very difficult time with this latest piece of information.

F**K ME!!


Is she still sticking to the story about only doing it three times, with other man coming to your house to tell her he loves her? Or does she continue to give you trickle truth? If she gives you too much at once, she's afraid you will call it quits. That's why she feeds you a little bit at a time.

Is she still sticking with this nonsensical story:

Before I knew for sure that she had cheated. She told me they were together a few times and she started to feel guilty and broke it off. After she told him it was over, he came over to our house to tell her he loved her....she told me that she yelled at him...told him to get the F out and not to bother her anymore. So far the program on her phone supports that she is having no contact with him.

She told me that when they had sex she was disconnected and that he was convenient and safe. She said he initiated it the first time.....the second time it was her and the last time it was him again.


How can you trust her going forward when she continues to lie to you now?
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post #87 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 09:38 PM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

You need to explain to her that it's about the LYING. That while it might seem like one giant lie to her, it's a million separate lies to you. Cheaters think it's about the sex. They want to "protect" you from the truth. (That is the LIE that they tell themselves so they don't have to confront the horror of what they did.)

Explain to her that she took your trust and smashed it into an infinite number of pieces. That you are trying to pull those pieces back together into some type of recognizable whole. Every time you catch her in a lie, it all falls apart again, only this time the pieces are smaller and you are starting to lose more and more of them. Eventually, there hardly will be any left at all.
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post #88 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 02:14 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Mori and Entropy, I said that this "friend", was a bad one, but that is the easiest part for Arachnid to fix. He just cuts this "friend", out of his life. I fully understand the meaning and role of friends, but I'm trying to help Arachnid deal with his cheating wife, and the "friend", should have no part in that. He should concentrate on one thing at a time. A lot of WS'S will try to minimize their guilt by throwing the OP under the bus, and a surprising number of BS'S buy into it. I don't want Arachnid to make that mistake. Arachnid needs to focus all of his thoughts and feelings on his WW' s behavior, so that he can decide if he wants to take the chance on R or not. Or if she is worthy of another chance. His future depends on his decision and the so-called friendship is just an annoying impediment to clear thinking.
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post #89 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 04:11 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

BB, I think everyone understands your point, but it's not as easy to do. This was his best friend, there was an emotional connection there. Had the OM been someone else, Arachnid would have likely turned to his best friend for support. The most recent poster I can think of in a similar situation was Oldmittens, who divorced his wife in order to help heal himself. And as Morituri can attest to, he also owes me an iPad.
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post #90 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 06:35 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, this is a double betrayal, which is psychologically far more difficult to face than an 'ordinary' affair with someone who is a stranger to the BS.

He must simultaneously lose his closest male friend while dealing with the unfaithfulness to his wife.

There is a sensation that betrayed spouses have right after discovery, as if they are sleep walking through their worst nightmare. Every morning they wake up and for a few seconds they've forgotten and then the shocking recollections come rolling back in.

I cannot imagine how warped reality must be right now for you, Mr.Arachnid. I'm sure someone has already suggested this, but you need to go to doctor ASAP if you haven't already, they will prescribe antidepressants to you the minute you start speaking. You have a tough road ahead and you need your wits about you.
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