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post #91 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 06:49 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

I woulld have to kick his A$$. Just who I am I could not live with myself the rest of my life if I didn't.

and then If I ever saw him after that it would take a miricle not to do it again.


and this would be a deal breaker for me the marriage would be dead.

sorry you going through such a sh*ttg ordeal. Best of luck in what ever you decide.

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post #92 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 07:35 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Are any of you still married after an affair? How long has it been? Is the marriage stronger, if you stayed together? Did the trust return or do you still have issues?
Still married. Almost 12 yrs since the event. The marriage is stronger in some ways, in other ways not, just like a normal relationship. I have trust issues anyway, so no, the trust has not returned, at least in the way that it was before. But I have stronger trust in myself.
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post #93 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 07:47 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

MrA, at a time when your world has gone completely insane, and the the two people you counted on have proven that you cannot count on them, you are behaving in an extraordinarily rational fashion. I commend you. Don't be surprised when you have spells where this is not the case. I sense that you have a great deal of self control, in which you take pride. Be prepared for that self control to crack from time to time. It's all right when it does. That's part of your healing. You really can't know where this is going. Give it time. You're gonna be fine in the long term.
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post #94 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 07:54 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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And I will not be lied to again....since I installed a program to her phone that will tell me all that I need to know....GPS, text log, urls visited, calls in and out. So if she ever did do anything ever again....she can't lie to me because I would know and have the proof.
It's good that you've installed spyware on her cell phone, however, you're only relying on one method of verification. It's very easy to buy one of those burner (pay as you go phones), especially if she thinks you're monitoring her cell phone now. Its very common for the WS to have a secret affair phone, ask some of the BSs here. Another secret method is the secret email address. This is why you need a computer monitoring software and a VAR to back up your other method.



Only did it 3 times and decided to come clean because of guilt? Now you found out about a sex video they did? This is just the tip of the iceberg. Trickle Truth for sure. Expect more revelations to come, either thru more disclosure, or from your investigation.

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post #95 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:06 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

The sex video shows that their affair had reached a level of trust and commitment where your wife didn't fear having a sex video made of them. Think about that. The OM had to setup the camera and your wife had to go along with it knowingly. Would you accept a camera if you were doing some thing you we're guilt for or worried about?

And would you imagine the first time you had sex pulling out the camera and taking time to set it up? No, you'd be afraid of her walking out and fuming you. This is true for the second, third , fourth, and so on times.

The comfort level you need to pull out a camera and record it shows they had a lot of sex.
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post #96 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:11 AM
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The sex video shows that their affair had reached a level of trust and commitment where your wife didn't fear having a sex video made of them. Think about that. The OM had to setup the camera and your wife had to go along with it knowingly. Would you accept a camera if you were doing some thing you we're guilt for or worried about?

And would you imagine the first time you had sex pulling out the camera and taking time to set it up? No, you'd be afraid of her walking out and fuming you. This is true for the second, third , fourth, and so on times.

The comfort level you need to pull out a camera and record it shows they had a lot of sex.
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Agree. TAM please create a like button for the IPhone
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post #97 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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So it's clear she had no fear of bring caught at all when she let him mske the video. In fact it shows that she trusted him more than she does and did you.

You are getting the trickle truth and it's going to be coming for a long while. I think the tears etc aren't for you or guilt, they are entirely for herself, for being found out, for the loss of her affair. Let me guess lots of poor me, I'm such a bad person, you don't deserve me etc.

Has there been any genuine and lasting concern for you and your emotions?
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She said she didn't know he was videoing until after and he showed her. I tend to believe that....since you're not always facing the other person.
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post #98 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:28 AM
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She said she didn't know he was videoing until after and he showed her. I tend to believe that....since you're not always facing the other person.
But you do have to turn it on and off and you have to stay on the right place. Besides, a normal reaction would be to freak and demand it be deleted. She did neither. So, I think she's covering for herself.
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post #99 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:38 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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But you do have to turn it on and off and you have to stay on the right place. Besides, a normal reaction would be to freak and demand it be deleted. She did neither. So, I think she's covering for herself.
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EXACTLY

this yet another example of "trickle truth"- admitting to what can be proven and soften or omit the rest to protect the affair or the cheater is afraid of the real truth leading to D

best way to stop it is to inform WS that they have one chance to come clean on everything and while that truth may lead to D, anything else pops up down the line then it is certain D

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post #100 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:39 AM
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But you do have to turn it on and off and you have to stay on the right place. Besides, a normal reaction would be to freak and demand it be deleted. She did neither. So, I think she's covering for herself.
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agreed.

And what about the lighting? Even the best cell phone cameras need bright light when indoors. She's tting for sure.
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post #101 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

I see the myriad of responses and I am not going to call her names. I know what she did is wrong....and I know that she is sorry and has been very attentive to my reactions since I am all over the place.

The panic attacks have yet to go away so I am taking the advice I have read on here and going to the Dr. today. I have counseling with my wife on Thursday. She is making appts. for herself to go alone as am I.

The biggest problem I am having is what I read about "hysterical bonding".....I have been a big ball of arousal....I was a teenage boy once and even then I was never like this.

I know everything that happened between them( so far)....and I have a hard time with the fact that that he touched her all over....save one area....and now I feel like nothing that was special is special to me. I want something from her to make be believe that I am special.

God this hurts.....
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post #102 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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EXACTLY

this yet another example of "trickle truth"- admitting to what can be proven and soften or omit the rest to protect the affair or the cheater is afraid of the real truth leading to D

best way to stop it is to inform WS that they have one chance to come clean on everything and while that truth may lead to D, anything else pops up down the line then it is certain D
I do have my deal breakers.....as much as I hate to admit this....my second marriage ended because of the exact same thing....my ex F'd my good friend....the difference between this time and that....my wife is showing remorse and wanting to work things out on my terms.

I will lay that out tonight for her.....because as much as it hurts to hear the details ....it has been easier than my imagination...I think I can agree with what you said.
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post #103 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:46 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Yes it really does hurt. The TT makes it even worse since you never know if you've hit bottom yet.

Have her write out a timetime of the affair and then ,Schedule a polygraph for for her. Tell her this is the final clone clean moment and if she has any remaining pity for you, she needs to lay it all out becase the TT is killing you.
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post #104 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:46 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

wow, and your wife knew that you suffered so much from your ex and then did the same exact thing

my wife sort of did the same thing, she knew how painful being involved in my father's infidelity was for me, yet did it anyways herself

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post #105 of 340 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 08:47 AM
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Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

That would be great if you can get Full Disclosure. Most of us never get that.
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