My wife cheated with my best friend
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-05-2012, 06:31 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife cheated with my best friend

I was suspicious...found parts of deleted texts and confronted her and him over it. They both denied it made me think I was crazy. Then after a few weeks my wife confessed to the affair. We had our issues and I know I caused problems. I found all of this out last Sunday night went to work with no sleep. Over this past week, we have talked about it. She has answered my questions about details...in part because she looked stuff up on the internet about surviving an affair. I needed to know the details because I am the type of person who's imagination will make up everything and anything and I did not want to live in my head wondering what, why when, and how.

I am devastated. I am hurting. I am trying to forgive. I am trying to understand why. Funny, through all the details I sat through listening....my concern was whether she allowed him to kiss her and do some of the things together that only she and I have done. And now I am having to trust that she is being honest with me. I told her that if I ask anything about what happened...I expect Blunt Force Trauma.

Now I am struggling with the images. Of course the images my imagination was concocting were actually far worse so in a strange way it helped to know the details. I have been having severe panic attacks on a daily basis. The panic attacks are debilitating. I am depressed and when I am depressed I do not eat. I have eaten a bit....only to vomit when the images come.

She and I are going to a counselor soon. I want to go out and just have sex with a random woman just to replace the images in my head but I know that would be the wrong thing to do.

I am going to the Dr. on Monday to get a prescription to stop the anxiety and panic attacks so I can get back to some normality.

I just want to go back in time and do whatever I can to make this not happen.


THIS SUCKS!!!
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Revenge affair is a bad idea, very bad idea.

Get tested for STDs.

Which phone does she have? Is it under your name?
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Double whammy because it was your "best friend."

At least she is coming clean. Good for you for acknowledging you "caused problems."

I hope you can use the experience to strengthen the marriage. I suspect the panic attacks will wane over a couple of weeks.

You have to cut the "best friend" out of your life.
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Revenge affair is a bad idea, very bad idea.

Get tested for STDs.

Which phone does she have? Is it under your name?
Posted via Mobile Device
I know its is a bad idea. And I won't do it because I love her too much to do that to her. Well funny you would say that about the STD's....she and I have herpes....so it was a bit nice in a revenge way.....to text my friend to let him know that since she didn't tell him.

The phone is under my name, why?
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Check the logs if she really ended the calls/texts or if she is secretly continuing it.

Which phone by the way?
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Double whammy because it was your "best friend."

At least she is coming clean. Good for you for acknowledging you "caused problems."

I hope you can use the experience to strengthen the marriage. I suspect the panic attacks will wane over a couple of weeks.

You have to cut the "best friend" out of your life.
Yeah, I have. Of course I have had to do that through emails, texts since he won't man up and talk to me.

We are going to counseling and I told her that if we have to go to counseling a thousand times to get through this that I think we are worth it........I am just hurting so bad.
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Check the logs if she really ended the calls/texts or if she is secretly continuing it.

Which phone by the way?
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Android HTC....how do you check logs?
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Don't deny yourself the time you need to really process this hurt, and work your way back to the place where you are REALLY ready to talk about reconciliation. Right now, it sounds like you just jumped at reconciliation and started going through the motions as a kneejerk reaction, too afraid to consider any other option.

But over time, you'll realize what it really means that the woman you love tried to convince you that you were crazy for suspecting the affair. You'll wonder how long she would've kept up the affair, or if she would've ever stopped if you hadn't begun to suspect.

Since we are talking about real love, you probably will find your way back to reconciliation, but I personally think that the horrible images and mind games will go on much longer if you let your mind process the betrayal, and then work its way back to reconciliation after seriously considering the alternative. Also, what is this telling her about the next time? Will she know that the marriage is safe, even if she does this again?

You can tell her that you can't answer the quetion about the future yet. You can talk about how dissapointed you are in being with a woman who would do this to you, but also apparently so casually put others at risk for disease.

I fear that too many people in your place try to short circuit the healing process of betrayal, making the reconciliation drag on for far longer than it otherwise might, due to unresolved feelings over the betrayal.
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Old 05-05-2012, 07:09 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Android HTC....how do you check logs?
Oh, I don't need to check logs.....I installed a program to her phone that logs everything for me....even if they are deleted....photos, emails, texts, calls....
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Old 05-05-2012, 07:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Oh, I don't need to check logs.....I installed a program to her phone that logs everything for me....even if they are deleted....photos, emails, texts, calls....
After you discovered the affair?
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Old 05-05-2012, 07:14 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Did you got the complete truth from her? Is she Trickle Truth or in damage control? Are you sure about the time line she gave and details regarding A?

I believe that, she know that she is caught, so she went to internet and collected details of how to convince you with what she think you will belive, she may be doing that. First get the truth completely then take your own time and decide whether to R or D, till then put the marriage under suspension and inform it to her. You should know completely what you are forgiving? Forgiveness should be hardly earned by her doing the right thing.

Did you exposed the Affair to her and your family? Did you exposed the A to OMs wife? If not do that first.
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Old 05-05-2012, 07:14 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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Originally Posted by Halien View Post
Don't deny yourself the time you need to really process this hurt, and work your way back to the place where you are REALLY ready to talk about reconciliation. Right now, it sounds like you just jumped at reconciliation and started going through the motions as a kneejerk reaction, too afraid to consider any other option.

But over time, you'll realize what it really means that the woman you love tried to convince you that you were crazy for suspecting the affair. You'll wonder how long she would've kept up the affair, or if she would've ever stopped if you hadn't begun to suspect.

Since we are talking about real love, you probably will find your way back to reconciliation, but I personally think that the horrible images and mind games will go on much longer if you let your mind process the betrayal, and then work its way back to reconciliation after seriously considering the alternative. Also, what is this telling her about the next time? Will she know that the marriage is safe, even if she does this again?

You can tell her that you can't answer the quetion about the future yet. You can talk about how dissapointed you are in being with a woman who would do this to you, but also apparently so casually put others at risk for disease.

I fear that too many people in your place try to short circuit the healing process of betrayal, making the reconciliation drag on for far longer than it otherwise might, due to unresolved feelings over the betrayal.

I have already made my position known. I told her that I feel like a chump for wanting to continue our marriage. I told her that if she ever did anything like this again that we are through....even a flirty chat with another man....no matter who he is. I told her that I will need her to be completely transparent about everything....where she is, how long she will be somewhere, what she is doing, etc.

And I will not be lied to again....since I installed a program to her phone that will tell me all that I need to know....GPS, text log, urls visited, calls in and out. So if she ever did do anything ever again....she can't lie to me because I would know and have the proof.
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Old 05-05-2012, 07:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

Yeah, take it slow and keep your mind open to the high possibility that R won't work.

I will copy a post from my thread on dealing with anger and mind images, these links are helping me.

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Old 05-05-2012, 07:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated with my best friend

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I have already made my position known. I told her that I feel like a chump for wanting to continue our marriage. I told her that if she ever did anything like this again that we are through....even a flirty chat with another man....no matter who he is. I told her that I will need her to be completely transparent about everything....where she is, how long she will be somewhere, what she is doing, etc.
Make sure that you are ready to follow through with this, she probably doesn't believe that you will.

Make yourself strong and make sure that she knows how strong you are becoming. Prepare yourself my friend, make yourself better, with her or without her.
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Old 05-05-2012, 07:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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After you discovered the affair?
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Before I knew for sure that she had cheated. She told me they were together a few times and she started to feel guilty and broke it off. After she told him it was over, he came over to our house to tell her he loved her....she told me that she yelled at him...told him to get the F out and not to bother her anymore. So far the program on her phone supports that she is having no contact with him.

She told me that when they had sex she was disconnected and that he was convenient and safe. She said he initiated it the first time.....the second time it was her and the last time it was him again.
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