airdiplasma

Hi there -

My story is unfortunately landing into this category. I was about to get married, talked to the families, organizing an happy wedding.

As my future wife was really considering inviting an ex "friend with benefits" to the ceremony, I started to be suspicious, and used my IT skills to track any conversation between her an anyone, to understand her past life.

I found that during the first month of our relationship she was sleeping with someone else. I do not remember having any doubt during this time as she said she was busy with work. This also broke the beautiful moments of the beginning of a relationship.

I decided to delay the wedding, pretending that I am not ready yet.

I do fell cheated, and I am scared about the future with her.

Could you advice there? Would you marry someone that already cheated on you?

tacoma

A month into your relationship?

Had you had any discussion about exclusivity?

Did she state she was going to see you and only you?

I just know I never went exclusive so quickly so unless she had specifically told me we were an exclusive "couple" I`d let it go.

Edit

I might let it go anyway, after only a month knowing someone who really knows what they want with them?

The fact that she wants to invite him to your wedding is actually more troubling to me.
Are they still friends?
Does she see him regularly?
You need to learn about boundaries in a committed relationship before tying the knot because being friends with an ex is unacceptable.

the guy

No it shows a lack of boundries and commitment to a relationship.

Now you know she is capable of cheating, the next question is how will you prevent it from happening again?

You can't, thats the step she needs to take to find out why she has validation issues and her need to have sex with out emotion....hence the FWB.

Run Forest Run!!!!!!

airdiplasma

Thanks it help.

That what I think, when you did it once, the second time might be even easier.

We all have validation issues, but as a men, I started to be exclusive from the beginning to respect her. She now wants to marry me, but I am really hurt.

tacoma

Had you had any discussion about exclusivity?

Did she state she was going to see you and only you?

airdiplasma

Do you mean exclusivity during the first month or exclusivity after the marriage?

tacoma

At the time she slept with her FWB were you two exclusive or just "dating"?

airdiplasma

We were dating.

the guy

Take it from me, and ask anyone who nows my story. The behavior your chick has can snow ball.

You are so correct, as it gets easier for the wayward the more addicting it gets.

I'm curious, has there been any talk between you and your chick with regards to her "friend"? Were does this "friendship" stand after she was going to marry you?

Her inviting her FWB was a bad sign and good job on reading that.

Well played sir.

Mario Kempes

Hi Airdiplasma. Do you intend to tell her why you really postponed the wedding?

airdiplasma

I do plan to talk about it very soon, as I have full copy of conversations, pictures etc ...

By the way the guy invited to the wedding is another one ...

Thanks all for your help, my opinion tends to go to what i think is the 'right decision'.

tacoma

So there was no exclusivity?

I`m just asking because when single I dated more than one person at a time until I decided I found the woman I wanted to stay with monogamously which always took well more than a month to decide on.

I don`t think you can hold her accountable for breaking a vow/rule she never made/agreed to.

It`s kinda crazy and clingy.

How long have you two been together?

ilgitano

I lived through a situation similar to yours. My exgf cheated on me very early on while we were dating, and it remained in the back of my mind for the rest of the relationship until she did it again 5 years later. I personally wish I had never got involved with someone who didn't share the same intimacy values as mine. But it was my fault for not acknowledge it as a red flag. My bad.

My policy and opinion on exclusivity is that unless it is discussed that both parties can see others, than it is by default an exclusive relationship.

At the very least you should postpone the wedding and confront her about this.

tacoma

You guys posting in this thread should really slow down.

This situation doesn`t sound like she was doing anything unacceptable yet y`all are advising this guy to dump her because she`s a "cheater"

To the OP, please take some time and give this some rational thought and realize many of the people on this board have have an irrational bias against any hint of what could be impropriety and they don`t usually care to get all the facts before burning someone at the stake.

Caveat Emptor my friend

tacoma

So after the first very successful date your default position is that this person you`ve had one single date with is "yours" with no discussion of your really odd policy?

This place freaks me out sometimes.

My "policy" is exactly the opposite of yours as is most peoples I know.

I`m not promised to anyone until I`ve actually verbally promised myself to someone.

Exclusive by default?
Crazy.