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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-07-2012, 09:09 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she cheating, or did she?

If you feel pretty certain she did something ask her to take a polygraph. First sit her down, list all the redflags,and ask her to explain it. Then tell her the only way you willtrust her is if she takes a poly. Her reaction will tellyou how much she values you.

Don't understand the daughters phone thing. How exactly did she explain that. Can you look up the callogs on that phone? How did you find out about the phone? Do you have access to the phone? Have you asked the daughter about the phone?
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:06 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she cheating, or did she?

A reply to a couple of comments and questions here...
Other than the bruising and emotional detachment, i.e. not communicating well with me, no good eye contact, giving vague awnsers, the truck stands out most in my mind. It was going on for about four months. I have not seen it lately. I did not have a chance to see the plates. Was always around after dusk or dark and always missed it. I checked at her work, and never saw it there. My assumption was at first she may have cut the contact and he became disgrunted. I do believe when affairs end, the OM can get quite angry. My understanding is the other person even feels jealous and rejected. With that said, I feel the OM was hoping my spouse would leave me for him. However, I think she was only in it for that little bit of extra fun on the side. I do not believe she thought being found out would be a problem. If there is truth to this situation, the OM was more than likely having an attachment forming more deeper than her, and thus became disgrunted. Prehaps he was hoping I would look at it as solid proof of her being involved and I would leave, thus getting what he wanted. Question... Could that be a mind set of someone?
The phone situation... I ask her daughter and she said it was her phone. However, no one rarely uses a phone for 'just texting' and it makes no sense why she (her daughter) would have the phone registed to this town when she lives about 50 miles away in a totally different location.
Both of these incidents do not make any sense whatsoever, therefore they are enigmatic to my understanding. It is to my understanding that her daughter would lie for her Mother, as she does not like me. She has caused quite a bit of strife and trouble in my marriage, as do many stepchildren. This has lead to a lot of tampering with our intimacy, not just sexually, but emotionally. These things cause a chasm of rift between a couple, as we all know well, and a relationship can take only so much before total loss of love and respect occur, and thus the marriage is pretty much non-existant. Trust also is tampered with. Sad, but very true!

I love my wife and wish this did not happen. I try to think she loves me. I am trying to move on and accept this as a likely possibility, and it won't happen again, however... I seem to have to keep a vigil on this situation and protect my interest. I feel guilt that it has lead me to having trust issues. Marriage is based on trust and as all know, the basis for any healthy relationship. I am presently not in such a position. As I stated, she would not even participate in marriage counseling. That was a red flag, also. Any input to this info... anyone?
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:31 AM   #48 (permalink)
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The bruises could have been innocent, yes, but do your bruises mimic finger and thumb marks, in the exact place where someone would be handling when having sex. The bruises alone would not have been enough to cause such alarm, it was the reaction she gave. And all of the other who-do that came. At the time things were getting really heated between us and I suspected it might be over (the affair) she also went through what I could describe as withdrawal symptoms. I am very observant, and know too, she does not use drugs. This I do know for fact. After an affair ends, there is said signs of similar symptoms to withdrawal, and I saw those. A loving spouse would react with understand and tenderness when their spouse was showing insecurities, not react so violently has she did, and I have been accused of cheating. I simply laugh it off, told the person I love them and would do whatever to prove that love to them. If I had been cheating, I would assume my defense mechanisms would have kicked in and thus... fight or flight! It is Marriage Psychology101. Call me paranoid, but everything considered, I believe at the very least, it would place suspicions in anyones mind!
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:45 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Shaggy, yes I came up with the same idea. This would seem to be because he likes a certain position. I call this move 'the spread and pull technique' and as any man knows, in the moment of heated passion, it can leave bruises. I used this position later, without leaving bruises, and there was no eye contact with her. She was also acting very uncomfortable with this position I was using. Two red flags!
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:55 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Try to find the other phone or at least its bill and look at common numbers called/texted. Search who that number belongs to.

If you can't find any evidence regarding the past you can only plan for the future. Start by setting up a VAR/GPS in her car. Do you have your own car? You might need it if you have to drive somewhere at the last minute.
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:12 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Keko, I tried to find info on the phone... without results except it is registered in our town. The VAR, yes, working on it, as well as a GPS for the car. I told her we need one. It will give info where she is driving to, I understand. Is that true??? Do those devices store history and and allow research of where the vehicle travels. Need to research that for sure! Thanks! That is what is so weird, the phone is a catch 22 I keep returning to, also!
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:23 AM   #52 (permalink)
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NO, DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THESE!!!!!

You just showed her your plans :facepalm:
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:43 AM   #53 (permalink)
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I talked about the GPS device long before this crazy stuff was going on. I do not suspect she would be that suspicious of getting one. They are commonly in use by everyone now. But what do you suggest, then??? Thanks for your input. She well knows I have great suspicions already. Maybe I am at the point of accepting something is going on and want to move forward hoping for a return of trust and emotional connections intact. But something tells me I need to keep that eye open. Prehaps I am trying to use motions in order to see if she will straighten up, and no more EA, but as I say, there are always unawnsered questions and she well knows I would leave with any further signs. I really do not believe she was doing this to end our marriage. I have been assured by her that she loves me, and does not want that. Many affairs go unnoticed, spouses turn a blind eye, or don't want to admit it could be going on with them. I am in no such way to think it could not happen to me, especially with what I went through. And I do believe spouses should let their mates know they are watching. But the likelyhood of being discovered is much harder. This is why I need to stay low and watch! Thank You !!!

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Old 05-08-2012, 09:54 AM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she cheating, or did she?

Go ahead with the VAR/GPS but buy them with a card she has no access to. You can even have them shipped to your friends house if you don't want to risk her seeing the package.

As for her suspicions, if she indeed is/had an affair it will slow it down until you seem to be back to "normal". Affair's are an addiction so one way or another she will go back to her old ways.
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:58 AM   #55 (permalink)
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This is true, and what I wait for. It would be better to know than to be lost in the confines of uncertainty. Most affairs come to light by accident, and what I am hoping for. Vigilance is my best option. Where does the VAR get installed? Have to research! Input?
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Old 05-08-2012, 10:39 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she cheating, or did she?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben Connedfussed View Post
I talked about the GPS device long before this crazy stuff was going on. I do not suspect she would be that suspicious of getting one. They are commonly in use by everyone now.
I think you're confused about what kind of GPS device is needed. What you need is a hidden GPS tracker, that she is to be kept completely in the dark about.

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Where does the VAR get installed? Have to research! Input?
Hold it up against the car seat bottom springs with upholstery grade Velcro.
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Old 05-08-2012, 12:15 PM   #57 (permalink)
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OMG! Don't disclose your tools and activities for finding out the truth. And most affairs don't come to light by accident, (this statement made me want to cry for you) most affairs come to light by the BS suspecting something wrong or seeing changes in their spouses (paying attention) and the investigating, with evidence - confronting, it's not a passive game; the image of an unsuspecting husband coming home unannounced and finding their wife spread eagle with the pool boy or neighbor happens mostly in the movies!

Your clumsy attempt to verify her affair will most likely result in her going deeper underground and/or actively countering the GPS.......keep your cards to yourself!
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Old 05-08-2012, 12:16 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Old 05-08-2012, 01:26 PM   #59 (permalink)
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Henceforth, I remain stealth in my attempt to find anything. But many here know well it is difficult to be silent. It is hard to not want to get to the truth and probably why many affairs will go undiscovered... because the hurting one will not keep or can't keep quite when the suspicions and gut feelings come about. Thank you everyone for your input!
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Old 05-08-2012, 01:28 PM   #60 (permalink)
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Start exercising, do other things to keep your mind out of what she may have done.
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