I need advice. I need to say somethings about myself. First I am suspicious by nature. Secondly, I have been depressed before and have had trust issues. These were mostly my head problem and my insecurities. I realized that. I am in my second marriage. I am my wife's third husband. We moved to another town because of her job. I am unemployed. She pays all finances and does not complain... ever. We live comfortably, I would say. Last June something was bothering me. I could not place my finger on it. Then in September I noticed my wife had bruises on her thighs and calves. They appeared to be hand prints from having rough sex. They were not from me. She did not even know she had them until I pointed them out. She at once become defensive and said I should not accuse her of cheating. This was a red flag. Since there has been heated arguments, and emotional turmoil for us. There was a period of emotional distance also. There has been a quantity of sex, but not quality. I have all but became unable to climax with her. She also seemed to have changed. I seem not to please her as before this period of time. She insist that she has done nothing wrong. We tell each other we love one another daily, and kiss and hug as normal. Things have got somewhat better as far as the fights, but there is still harsh wording. I tried marriage counseling, but she was not interested. We have issues over our families that are not resolved. I doubt they will be. The time in question with the bruises, and the emotional distance worries me that something did go on. She was away from work several days prior to the bruises, so that haunts me also. She chalks it up to my insecurities. I have a gut feeling there is more. Counseling for myself made matters seem worse, also. During this time, she changed on a physical level. Without being too graphic, I must say around this time in question she was much 'looser' and this is an issue. She has been in menopause for 18 months now, too. Can anyone give me insight into all this. I really love her, and cherish her. However, I do not want to be with a cheater. I want to believe she loves me, and is in love with me, and would not do this sort of activity. Any input would be helpful. Thank you. Ben Connedfussed!
TI believe something did go on, and she will never tell me. I over reacted, and now, it will be harder to get to the truth. I am not rash in action and am trying to overcome the pain. I feel like I am going through the stages of accepting death, and trying to gain trust again. Anymore insight into what I should direct my attention at now?
She could have been raped, or also taken advantage of sexually at work. If she doesn't want to talk, then you will never know what happened. The basic question is how do you feel? Would you be okay with never knowing if things could move towards more intimacy? If you are distrustful by nature, and they do, you need to come to terms with your distrust, and realize that even in the most secure relationship, you are still going to feel shaky. Now that perhaps the worst has happened, where do you feel like going, given that you have trust issues, where would be a good place to go? Maybe you could start with trusting yourself, that tends to alleviate the need for trust in others. Although, ideally, you should be able to trust your spouse, I'd have to say it would be a very rare and special couple that has 100% trust. The reason is that mental illness happens, and when it does, it can change behavior...if couples always trusted each other, we would have no fallback with keeping an eye out for each other. That would be bad. If you are truly on your wife's side, no matter what, you need to communicate that to her. But if you want to let your trust issues divide you, realize you will always play the role of interrogator and she will always play the role of suspect. It's likely this will be the way your future relationships play out as well, so you might as well make some kind of effort to come to terms with identified issues and at least get that out of this relationship, even if you think you will move on. Make it a learning/growing effort and don't worry too much about the outcome right now. It sounds like you would need employment before having choices. Or at least be on some kind of discussion basis with the wife regarding negotiating the end of your relationship, unless you have assets that are yours and yours alone. You are not in a position to fully express your distrust, and perhaps that is an issue. If I were in that position, I wouldn't even trust myself, because it's a really poor place for any adult to be.
One night stand, or maybe more. There were more bruises over a couple of months. And she claimed they were not bruises. Second, she was not at work for an hour a couple of days before the bruises showed up. She is never, or was never away from work that long. The bank is two minutes away, and town is so small, a deposit takes five minutes at most. I believe she hooked up for a quickie and I don't know before that, but started with the gut feeling bothering me. I am confused.Just do not know why she would be gone that long. I have went before with her, and it do never take over 15 minutes to get there and back to work. This is haunting me. Some have said it does not take all day to hook up. It is a very small community.
I doubt it was rape, and could not happen at her job. Yes, I need employment. It also affects me, and my esteem. I believe she had/ has been having a short affair and I sense it in some way, the gut feeling, plus at the time I felt she was not doing this anymore, a silver truck started coming around, watching my house, and even threw something at our house, yelling an obscenity... 'Yo ho!' That went on for three months and is stopped. I believe it was a disgrunted lover. See, it is strange, but true!
I doubt it was rape, and could not happen at her job. Yes, I need employment. It also affects me, and my esteem. I believe she had/ has been having a short affair and I sense it in some way, the gut feeling, plus at the time I felt she was not doing this anymore, a silver truck started coming around, watching my house, and even threw something at our house, yelling an obscenity... 'Yo ho!' That went on for three months and is stopped. I believe it was a disgrunted lover. See, it is strange, but true!
You can't know it without gathering evidence can you?
Can you check her texts/emails/call logs without her knowing?
I didn't mean to insult you about getting a job, but as a man if you depend on a woman it is very likely she'll have zero respect for you.
Good point keko. Her laundry seemed not normal but was not thinking clearly. I said I over reacted and should have laid low with some investigating, and do not know if it will be harder now, because she is onto me. But she is trying to show me she is accountable. It does make me feel guilty, but she seems to want to show me her transparency. She was not that way before.
To keko, no insult about the job. She is clean on emails, no computer use or text. But she has a number under her daughters name that is registered in our town. Her daughter lives in another city, and when I have called the number, only get a pre-recorded message. My wife says sh, her daughter only uses the phone for texting. I am confused about this as well. Do you see why I am so concerned. But the text seem harmless, nothing ever out of context. But why is it registered here. It does not seem correct. How do you think about that one??? Your suggestions are already in place. I am planning it just that way. Thank you for your support and input!
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Is she cheating, or did she? 
I need advice. I need to say somethings about myself. First I am suspicious by nature. Secondly, I have been depressed before and have had trust issues. These were mostly my head problem and my insecurities. I realized that. I am in my second marriage. I am my wife's third husband. We moved to another town because of her job. I am unemployed. She pays all finances and does not complain... ever. We live comfortably, I would say. Last June something was bothering me. I could not place my finger on it. Then in September I noticed my wife had bruises on her thighs and calves. They appeared to be hand prints from having rough sex. They were not from me. She did not even know she had them until I pointed them out. She at once become defensive and said I should not accuse her of cheating. This was a red flag. Since there has been heated arguments, and emotional turmoil for us. There was a period of emotional distance also. There has been a quantity of sex, but not quality. I have all but became unable to climax with her. She also seemed to have changed. I seem not to please her as before this period of time. She insist that she has done nothing wrong. We tell each other we love one another daily, and kiss and hug as normal. Things have got somewhat better as far as the fights, but there is still harsh wording. I tried marriage counseling, but she was not interested. We have issues over our families that are not resolved. I doubt they will be. The time in question with the bruises, and the emotional distance worries me that something did go on. She was away from work several days prior to the bruises, so that haunts me also. She chalks it up to my insecurities. I have a gut feeling there is more. Counseling for myself made matters seem worse, also. During this time, she changed on a physical level. Without being too graphic, I must say around this time in question she was much 'looser' and this is an issue. She has been in menopause for 18 months now, too. Can anyone give me insight into all this. I really love her, and cherish her. However, I do not want to be with a cheater. I want to believe she loves me, and is in love with me, and would not do this sort of activity. Any input would be helpful. Thank you. Ben Connedfussed!
