Pregnant. might not be husbands - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 09:53 PM Thread Starter
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Pregnant. might not be husbands

Please please do not be harsh when reading this. I love my husband and we have been together since we were 17. We've been married for 4 years now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but i've never stopped loving him.

A couple years ago he had and an emotional affair with some woman he worked with. I was a good wife and i took him back but i don't think i ever forgave him. we haven't been super happy for the last two years or so. my husband has been sort of detached and become a work-aholic. i've been lonely and i made a couple mistakes.

Last december we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.

Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 6 weeks right now which is right around the time I cheated. I'm so scared. I'm pretty sure its not my hubby's. we tried for months without any luck and sure enough the one time i stray I end up pregnant. I don't know what to do. there is a chance it could be my husbands. I slept with him right after i got back from the trip. We really want the baby and he wouldn't understand me getting an abortion. I don't want to confess and I don't want to abort my baby.

We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.
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post #2 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 09:59 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

Be honest with him, as soon as you can. If he finds it out on his own you'll have a much less chance of being together.
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post #3 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:02 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

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Originally Posted by KateJ View Post
Please please do not be harsh when reading this. I love my husband and we have been together since we were 17. We've been married for 4 years now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but i've never stopped loving him.

A couple years ago he had and an emotional affair with some woman he worked with. I was a good wife and i took him back but i don't think i ever forgave him. we haven't been super happy for the last two years or so. my husband has been sort of detached and become a work-aholic. i've been lonely and i made a couple mistakes.

Last december we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.

Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 6 weeks right now which is right around the time I cheated. I'm so scared. I'm pretty sure its not my hubby's. we tried for months without any luck and sure enough the one time i stray I end up pregnant. I don't know what to do. there is a chance it could be my husbands. I slept with him right after i got back from the trip. We really want the baby and he wouldn't understand me getting an abortion. I don't want to confess and I don't want to abort my baby.

We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.
You need to tell him the truth. There are too many genetic variables at work here. Like if both you and your husband have blue eyes and you give birth to a brown eyed baby, that would be impossible if the child were his. Also blood type can prove that he is not the parent.

He may be physically incapable of fathering a child. What if years down the road a doctor finds something and tells him he cannot be a father.

Truth is best all around at this point.
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post #4 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

He won't stay if its not his. I feel so guilty but i think telling him would break his heart and cause him more pain. my friend looks quite a bit like my husband. i don't think he would know. i just feel horrible about this. its my luck that the one time i make a mistake this would happen. i have been a perfect wife aside from this. i forgave him for his A. I know he won't forgive me for mine.
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post #5 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:05 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

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Originally Posted by KateJ View Post
Please please do not be harsh when reading this. I love my husband and we have been together since we were 17. We've been married for 4 years now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but i've never stopped loving him.

A couple years ago he had and an emotional affair with some woman he worked with. I was a good wife and i took him back but i don't think i ever forgave him. we haven't been super happy for the last two years or so. my husband has been sort of detached and become a work-aholic. i've been lonely and i made a couple mistakes.

Last december we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.

Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 6 weeks right now which is right around the time I cheated. I'm so scared. I'm pretty sure its not my hubby's. we tried for months without any luck and sure enough the one time i stray I end up pregnant. I don't know what to do. there is a chance it could be my husbands. I slept with him right after i got back from the trip. We really want the baby and he wouldn't understand me getting an abortion. I don't want to confess and I don't want to abort my baby.

We just bought a house and we both so badly want a child. I don't want my mistake to ruin our lives. I just need some advice and guidance on what to do.
Hi Kate -- I could maybe see you made a mistake if you slept with the guy once when you were drunk -- but you slept with him 5 other times that weekend when you were not drunk. You two are both young and are not ready for marriage let alone bring an innocent baby into this world.
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post #6 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:07 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

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He won't stay if its not his. I feel so guilty but i think telling him would break his heart and cause him more pain. my friend looks quite a bit like my husband. i don't think he would know. i just feel horrible about this. its my luck that the one time i make a mistake this would happen. i have been a perfect wife aside from this. i forgave him for his A. I know he won't forgive me for mine.
How do you know he wont stay? Most men will give in if their wife is honest to them.

What if your husband finds this out 10 years later? For a minute stop thinking about yourself and think about your husband and how much pain he'll go through if he found it out 10,20 years later.
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post #7 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:10 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

You should tell your husband. It would not be fair for him to have no choice and for him to have to raise another man's child(unless he wants to).

There is the STD issue, as well. You have put your husband at grave risk.
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post #8 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:13 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

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You should tell your husband. It would not be fair for him to have no choice and for him to have to raise another man's child(unless he wants to).

There is the STD issue, as well. You have put your husband at grave risk.
You also put yourself at risk for STD -- get yourself checked !!
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post #9 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:15 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

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Originally Posted by KateJ View Post
Last December we decided to try to have a baby and I went off the pill. we've been trying to conceive without much luck. In march I went to see meet up with some old friends for a weekend. i made a terrible mistake and i had a few too many drinks and i ended up in bed with one of my friends. we slept together six times that weekend. I came home and I realized how big of a mistake i made and i'm trying to make amends.
First of all, you need to know the difference between a mistake and a bad choice.

Mistake: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

Bad Choice: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.

It is one thing for you to have done it once under the influence of alcohol but doing it 6 times during the weekend? That is hardly a mistake.

Since you asked for advice, here is some:

1. Confess to you husband what you did.

2. Get the two of you tested in STDs.

3. Print and read the following

3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger
Cheated On, Tortured by Images
Feeding the Affair-Image Beast
How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair

4. You have already betrayed him, do not compound it by committing paternity fraud which can blow up in your face years from now and hurt not just your husband but your child as well.

"A man who loves women is loved by women. He never apologizes for the fact that he is a man and she is a woman and that he loves women"
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post #10 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:16 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

Think for a minute. If you don't tell him, you will spend the next 20 years looking at your child and husband and aching in pain for how you brought this child into the world.

Do you really want to do this to yourself? To your husband? What if some medical tests are needed or your baby needs blood and you have to stop your husband from being the donor? Point is this stuff ALWAYS comes out one way or another.

Also, why wouldn't you give this other man the right to know he has a child? I sure would want to know.
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post #11 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

my friend is married also and he has two kids. i don't think he would want to know. I know my husband and he wouldn't stay if he knew it wasn't his. i don't want to lose him. i would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. i don't think he necessarily has to know. my husband trusts me and he wouldn't have any doubts. i messed up but I don't want to ruin my baby's life over this. he/she deserves to have a dad who loves them. my husband would. If he knew it wasn't his it wouldn't be the same. there is also a small chance it is my husbands...
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post #12 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:27 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

I'm sorry to say that you are being selfish in wanting to keep your husband through lies and deceit just like you were selfish when you chose to have sex 6 times with the OM during the weekend. Your marriage is a sham because you have made the choice to make it one.

"A man who loves women is loved by women. He never apologizes for the fact that he is a man and she is a woman and that he loves women"
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post #13 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:30 PM
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my friend is married also and he has two kids. i don't think he would want to know. I know my husband and he wouldn't stay if he knew it wasn't his. i don't want to lose him. i would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. i don't think he necessarily has to know. my husband trusts me and he wouldn't have any doubts. i messed up but I don't want to ruin my baby's life over this. he/she deserves to have a dad who loves them. my husband would. If he knew it wasn't his it wouldn't be the same. there is also a small chance it is my husbands...
Wow
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post #14 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:31 PM
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Re: Pregnant. might not be husbands

You have to tell him. It's his choice whether or not he want's to raise another man's baby.
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post #15 of 206 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 10:31 PM
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my friend is married also and he has two kids. i don't think he would want to know. I know my husband and he wouldn't stay if he knew it wasn't his. i don't want to lose him. i would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. i don't think he necessarily has to know. my husband trusts me and he wouldn't have any doubts. i messed up but I don't want to ruin my baby's life over this. he/she deserves to have a dad who loves them. my husband would. If he knew it wasn't his it wouldn't be the same. there is also a small chance it is my husbands...
i would suggest that you dont tell your husband,but you have to suffer the long term guilt..you choose!
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