Healing from infidelity
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Healing from infidelity

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-06-2012, 10:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Lightbulb Healing from infidelity

So I read this article which gave a timeline for healing from infidelity. This one was for the people who ended in divorce. I wanted to ask all of you who are a little further into your healing process if you could share your timeline, weather R or D I guess for us newbies, it would be helpful... give us a little hope. Here is the one from the article:

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm. Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing. D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.
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Old 05-06-2012, 10:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Healing from infidelity

Why the cheater is so precious to swallow the pain and hurt for 22 long months of once life?
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Old 05-06-2012, 10:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi,
Just coming to the end of month 9 - I honestly thought there were times I would nt get here. The first couple of monthe were a blur - it was just a case of one day at a time . Months 3- 7ish Waking up every morning at five no matter what time I went to bed . The first thing I thought of as I opened my eyes, the last thing I thought of as I went to sleep, replaying conversations around and around in my head. *sigh*
Now ? - I wake up to the alarm, it s not the first thing I think of,
- don t get me wrong it s there all the time in the back of my mind but it s not all I think of, I ve started making plans . We re off on holidays in three months time, I m doing a half marathon in six months time and we ve started to think about our 25th anniversary next year , I know there s still a way to go but I think I can see light at the end of the tunnel
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Old 05-06-2012, 10:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I guess because people commit to others (cheaters in this case) for life.... it takes a while to change your thinking and lick your wounds. It's been almost 4 months for me and up until about 2 weeks ago it was pure agony. For the last 2 weeks something small shifted, where I am just waiting for the divorce to get this person out of my life, as opposed to wanting to go back to the way things once were. Don't get me wrong, I still wish I could just wake up had my family as it once was. eh
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Old 05-06-2012, 10:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Wow, ilovechocolate you are quite the achiever! How is your sleep now? I noticed that I go on 5-6 hours a night now. Can't fall asleep until 12:30ish no matter what, which used to be unheard of.... I always needed 8-9. Hope you sleep better now
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Old 05-06-2012, 02:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Each person will heal in their own time, but I don't think dragging it out over a couple of years is healthy. I don't think one is ever going to be totally over a betrayal of this magnitude and we have to force ourselves outside our comfort zone to truly move on.

I'm 9 months in now, and I'm at the point of seeing my W's actions as being selfish, pointless and something only a very damaged person would do . I don't get as upset anymore, I realize my W is going through MLC and is not the person she was. According to statistics it's unlikely the woman I married is coming back, and after the pain I've gone through I don't want her back.

The first couple of months were hell on earth, 24 years is a long time to see go down the toilet. I lost 22 lbs in two weeks, as I could not sleep or eat. The only thing that saved me going right off the deep end was exercise and forcing myself to get out of the house and mix with other people.

Most people I've talked with or met that have gone through this worst of betrayals say this the best thing you can do, join a gym, take up Martial Arts, Cycling... in short any physical activity that will allow you to burn off the stress hormones that are tearing apart your body. I found it worked for me right off the bat, it was still hell, but by month 3 I found things were easing up , by 6 months the positive feedback I was getting from my new "Buff" appearance really helped me begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The end of July will be a year for me since BD, I set that as a target to work things out, R, D or whatever, rid myself of any negative trait I may have had and become the best man I can be.
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Old 05-06-2012, 07:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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allthegoodnamesaregone it sounds like you are a very determined person. Thanks for sharing your timeline. It's good to know it gets easier by month 6 at least. I'm looking forward to it, except my BS it a complete jerk to me since Dday when he left. I think once I'm over him though, there will be no going back. Heck there already is no going back.
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Old 05-06-2012, 07:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Honeystly View Post
allthegoodnamesaregone it sounds like you are a very determined person. Thanks for sharing your timeline. It's good to know it gets easier by month 6 at least. I'm looking forward to it, except my BS it a complete jerk to me since Dday when he left. I think once I'm over him though, there will be no going back. Heck there already is no going back.

When you appear to be less than something stuck on your spouse's shoe, there was no going back after looking into those dead shark eyes at BD. One would be a fool to think any R is possible with someone who would betray you in that manner without a backward glance.

I think you have to make rebuilding yourself your new goal in life to really get past it. After the initial shock of the first month and finding out the truth, I realized my marriage was dead, and I might just as well consider my wife dead as well.

Going NC as much is possible when you have two kids ( they are with me) is the best thing I ever did. The next best thing is "Living well" it truly is the "Best revenge", it makes you realize just how easy it is to make lemonade out of life's lemons.
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Old 05-07-2012, 04:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Wow, ilovechocolate you are quite the achiever! How is your sleep now? I noticed that I go on 5-6 hours a night now. Can't fall asleep until 12:30ish no matter what, which used to be unheard of.... I always needed 8-9. Hope you sleep better now
Hi,
thanx for that - using half marathon to get fit and to lose weight - I ve decided to work on myself physically and mentally - I know I m a lot stronger that I was on Dday and I know that if R does nt work out the sky won t fall in, the earth won t stop spinning and I will survive. Sleep is a lot better apart from when we have the occasional blip or when I trigger - e.g.
Found out that he had been texting her several times a month to see how she was (she was digonosed with cancer when A was ongoing) for the last couple of months . Sleep pattern went back to eratic but has settled down again . How s you doing?
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Old 05-07-2012, 04:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You know, you will heal in your own time. But there will always be the scar. And at times that scar will be sensitive; it may even be painful. That does not mean you can't have a good life together. It just means that there is a new norm in the relationship.
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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yeah, my relationship is dead. I love chocolate, I know it's none of my business, but a huge red alert went off in my head when I read that your H still contact the OW. I personally wouldn't give a flying s*hit if her head was falling off.... no contact means NO CONTACT. Don't let him do this-when else can people get closest if not reunited by a tragedy. Seriously, a warning is going off. She should be dead to him-metaphorically.
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:06 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I think everyone deals and heals differently and a number of factors play into the recovery time such as personality, support network, outlets, and the nature of the relationship with the stbx to name a few. I am really only 14 months post separation but I've moved on in many ways and don't think of the betrayal hardly at all. It's more of a mental exercise in self-worth and I find humor in the whole situation.

4 years before the affair that ended my marriage, my ex was caught in an EA with a coworker that looking back was probably more. Discovered in March of 2007, took a few weeks for him to agree to marriage counseling and go no contact. Felt like crap for more than a couple months, and honestly my feelings and relationship were never the same in hindsight. By June, we decided to try to get pregnant (yeah I know, dumb dumb dumb) and seemed to be closer than ever, recommitted to the marriage and not taking each other for granted, quasi-communicating (or so I thought), and spending time together. We did get really close and even a year or so after the birth of our second child we seemed closer than ever, circa early 2009. Time goes on, and day to day routines interfere. I was able to trust him for the most part, he was pretty open and gave me passwords and things, but worked a LOT which fed some insecurities. Felt like we were growing back apart again around summer 2010 and tried to communicate about it where he went on and on about how he wasn't happy with life and his job and money and so on.

The second affair wasn't a huge Dday type ordeal where your world comes suddenly crashing down. It was a gradual event. He reconnected with his HS sweetheart on facebook around October 2010, and I had suspicions around Thanksgiving that they were becoming involved in an EA of sorts rather than just a friendship or "catching up". He bought a plane ticket to visit her in January and our problems started because I felt he was choosing her over me, he manipulated me into thinking I was crazy and had trust issues and then tried to take all the blame because of his prior affair. It was a total mindfvck. He then promised to work on our marriage around Christmas, but then all this was still going on with her, he was just hiding it. The more I snooped the more angry and "depressed" he got. I never found solid proof, but enough red flags to light a fire. He couldn't handle the pressure and moved out in March 2011 to "get some space and think and figure out how to work on us". Within weeks, things became heated and he stopped talking to me. I was in limbo for what felt like forever, which is the absolute worst. He still has never said, to this day, that he wants a divorce.

So timeline wise, I'd say that my depression and all hit at the end of November 2010 when I got that horrible gutwrenching feeling in my stomach that he was up to no good, and for months I cried daily, got angry at him, felt worthless, had a hard time eating, but I slept hard. I never had trouble sleeping, except for a one week period when things were at their worst. I got false hope for a period of like a month where everything was looking up, but then crashed hard soon after. I vented to friends, came here a LOT. I lost weight, tried depression pills (weren't for me) and then just hit survival mode at one point. By April 2011, I was on the way back up. Things would knock me down, but for the most part I was getting stronger day by day. I became very familiar with a group of people here on TAM that were on a similar timeline, and we formed a facebook group where we got even more familiar with each other and forged friendships. I started going on dates with the opposite sex by June, and I went and spent a lot of time with friends and family and rediscovered ME. That helped me a heal a lot. I met my boyfriend in July, who happened to be one of the members from here on TAM (hehe). It helped to have someone who I had forged a friendship with and had leaned on. The support network I had couldn't be beat.

As time went on, I was able to realize that it wasn't the end of the world. Yes, it sucked, and I felt horrible that my kids would have a broken family. I mourned the loss of those dreams and aspirations and then realized that while I felt like I wasted 15 years of my life and 10 years of marriage, I had two beautiful children and a lot of life to live at 32 years old. Once I embraced that it was easier. Ex ended up moving his skank here and they moved in together in August, and he still denies cheating. My only bitterness stems from that , mostly. But as far as personal healing, I'm not done, but I'm most of the way there. It will always hurt, but I know that it happened for a reason. And honestly, I'm glad to have gone through the experience because I'm wiser and stronger because of it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it is one heck of a lesson in growing up. I feel much more centered and whole as a person and I'm able to look back and see mistakes on both of our parts. Mistakes I wish to not repeat. I can see warning signs in my ex, and now know what I want.

Short version...I feel pretty damn awesome at 18 months post "discovery of suspicious behavior". And I'm glad to have gotten rid of that piece of trash because I certainly upgraded.
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:36 AM   #13 (permalink)
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LonelyMLost, thanks for sharing your timeline. 18 months sounds ok to me... I was concerned about the 5 year possibility of misery. I admire you for putting your heart on the line again. I honestly don't think I can. I have been in 3 serious relationships in my life, and they all cheated on me. I obviously do something to trigger it, therefore I don't think I'll involve my heart in anything again. I guess I'll just go 'get some' when I get desperate enough. I don't want to be a bitter divorcee, although it seems like it's heading that way. You do give me hope.
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:50 AM   #14 (permalink)
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LonelyMLost, thanks for sharing your timeline. 18 months sounds ok to me... I was concerned about the 5 year possibility of misery. I admire you for putting your heart on the line again. I honestly don't think I can. I have been in 3 serious relationships in my life, and they all cheated on me. I obviously do something to trigger it, therefore I don't think I'll involve my heart in anything again. I guess I'll just go 'get some' when I get desperate enough. I don't want to be a bitter divorcee, although it seems like it's heading that way. You do give me hope.
Yes, I can see how it would be hard not to blame yourself. I went through a lot of the "Why me?" questions and once those started to subside I realized that maybe it wasn't me, but the relationship dynamics and the partner I had chosen. You'll get there. I was fearful at first, as well, because I had heard that it takes one year of healing for every five years you are in the relationship. Yikes! I did a lot of reading as well, there are great books out there, and several suggesting on this forum. Just might take a bit for you to find your self worth, but it might just be the type of man you are attracted too, or a way that you relate or just fail to see that your partner isn't communicating. You can't blame yourself. It goes two ways! Don't give up! I have to say that this time around, things are VERY different, which is what has allowed me to open up. I was afraid I'd never be able to trust, but my man now gives me no reason to not trust him and it's extremely refreshing to know that he does the right thing and puts my needs and concern first. It is more about respecting yourself than it is anything else. Someone said to me in this process, "You can cheat on someone you love, but you can't cheat on someone you can respect." And heck, that is completely true!
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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