I think I'm going to take some time today, since he won't be home until late tonight, to write down my thoughts in order to stay on track during my strong conversation. When we argue, I get caught up in what he's saying, or in the blameshifting, so much that I lose track and don't get my point heard. I'm going to make a letter or something and use that during my conversation. That way, if he won't let me speak, I can just hand him the paper and tell him the answers to his questions are there, and ask him to leave.
Good idea. but you are not ASKING him to leave - you are TELLING him to. And don't pack his bags. That's doing too much for him.
Tell him he is not allowed to interrupt you, then when he does say it again, so that you manage to get your say in. And get angry!
Thanks for that! I was already being too giving!
I am going to print out the emails (I sent them to myself from his phone), so if I start wavering on my anger, that can put the severity of the situation back into perspective for me. It really only takes thinking about the letters to get me riled up, as I'm sure you all can imagine.
I know that he doesn't think I will leave. I think he's under the impression that since I'm a genuinely nice person, he can get away with this. Not going to happen, especially since I don't foresee myself being able to 'sweep this under the rug'.
I would pack my bags, but I don't have anywhere to go. We have moved around a lot since we got together and I don't hardly have a support system. If I'm going to leave, I will have to have a place set up, etc. before I do that.
I make all the money, so that should be too difficult.
Sara8 - I know about the humiliation you feel. I feel utterly and completely humiliated. Especially to know that my husband has been thinking about someone else during a great part of each day. He's never written me a song.
I also feel like an idiot. I feel like he's playing me, even now.
What makes an affair so thrilling is that it's like a drug. The fact that cheaters go behind their spouses back is a real aphrodisiac for them. The moment the A is exposed to everybody and the 2 actually have the opportunity to be together, they look like clowns to themselves and to the rest of universe and don't look so sexy anymore.
If it happens that they were meant to be together, that's great. It would now give the opportunity to be with a real man.
To understand a cheater you have to think like a cheater. They will use code words like "going underground". Which means continuing the affair once it's discovered and the spouse(s) are dumb enough to stay with them, which only feeds their relationship as it intensifies the sensuality... ie: we've been naughty, now we're even naughtier.
You have to uproot the whole thing and put a real break on your relationship with him. At the very least, practice the 180 rules and demonstrate to him (not with words but action) that he is now responsible for YOUR trust in him. Only once trust is reestablished will you be able to address the issues in the M.
If it was me, a large garbage bag tossed on the front lawn would do the trick.
To get him to move out you do need to see and attorney for a formal separation.
Also, If you allow him to live with you, in some states you have in their eyes condoned the affair.
See an attorney pronto.
With the legal separation the sheriff will come to the house and remove him, if he will not leave. I don't think that will happen. He will leave once you see an attorney.
Just a quick update. My husband got home from school and I told him he needed to leave. He didn't. We argued for about an hour and a half and for the first part of it, I wasn't getting through to him at all. He was just convinced it wasn't a big deal, and wanted me to take half of the blame for the problems we were having up until the EA. I told him I would take full blame for ALL the problems we had up until that point, but HE made the decision to pursue the EA, and tell another woman he loved her. I also told him that he destroyed the special bond I thought we had, and I was grieving for that great loss, since it's no longer just the two of us in this marriage.
He preceded to make his points, but the great breakthrough was when he said, "but if you want to split up....", and I stopped him right there and said, "I do". The shock on his face was priceless - I think that's the only thing he actually heard during our talk. I'm glad I was able to make myself clear on that, at least. I gave him a time period to leave, and until then I'm doing the 180.
If he's not gone by then, I will have the attorney in place to do it.
I just want to give my sincere thanks to those that took time to respond to my issue. It gave me the confidence I needed to be strong and not fall for his manipulation during our talk. He was trying so hard to rationalize the EA and shift the blame to me, but I was able to stand strong.
...There are so many that stay and blame themselves for the WS's EA/PA. You are an inspiration to many on this board I'm sure for standing up and saying IT'S NOT OK TO CHEAT ON ME!!!
Keep us updated on how things are going...and stay strong
You be strong. This is horrible, horrible behavior and don't let him EVER blame you for his deceit. There's been some discussions on this board about what is worse: an EA or a PA. But I know how devastating it is to look at your husband's text message and see him tell another woman how much he loves her. You deserve better.
E8H3, he took the easy way out in order to bring this matter to your attention. Has he actually stated he was interested in the marriage anymore. If he came clean, it was for one certain reason. Find out. Is he doing this to come clean with you, or to 'break the news' so to speak? Will he be willing to become transparent. To have any further contact with the other person would be out... or he'd be out. If you feel it needs to end, send him packing. He is the guilty party. Expose the other person, too. She is married, correct. Lesson learned, but if you love eachother, there may be hope. Best of luck!
E8H3, he took the easy way out in order to bring this matter to your attention. Has he actually stated he was interested in the marriage anymore. If he came clean, it was for one certain reason. Find out. Is he doing this to come clean with you, or to 'break the news' so to speak? Will he be willing to become transparent. To have any further contact with the other person would be out... or he'd be out. If you feel it needs to end, send him packing. He is the guilty party. Expose the other person, too. She is married, correct. Lesson learned, but if you love eachother, there may be hope. Best of luck!
He has stated he's interested in the marriage. And most recently that he's "so so sorry" and loves me so much. To be honest I look at him a different way now, so it's not really affecting me. Before, I didn't think he had it in him to hurt me that way.
I haven't asked him about transparency because I want him out. Once that happens, we'll see if I can get over him telling someone else he loved her enough to give him a chance to try. I have thought about exposing the other party, but the only proof I have in hand is my husband pursuing her, and her email back stating they were both married, etc. in my first post. I've actually thought about telling the whole freaking world, but I'm trying to restrain myself from being too angry, especially now that I'm doing the 180.
ilgitano - thanks for mentioning the 180. I hadn't heard of it before, but after you mentioned it, I went online to look for it. I'm following it right now and it's already 'working' (for lack of a better word)
The 180 is 'working' for him trying to make it up to me, but none of that matters, since he hasn't fully apologized, and still seems secretive. He still hasn't left, but he's still within the timeframe, so we'll see.
I haven't been sleeping well. It's been really hard for me to fall asleep at night with all the thoughts running through my head. Since I haven't been myself, I've called in sick to work for a couple days.
I also just emailed the OW. That felt good. I wasn't mean, I was just to the point. I wanted her to know that I wasn't the type of woman that (1) wasn't going to find out, or (2) didn't care if my husband was telling other women he was in love with them. Man, it felt good. I also wanted her to understand there is another PERSON on the other side of this, not just her and him. I also didn't ask her to let him go, as I don't care. If he doesn't want me, I will be happily single, and maybe one day I'll find someone who loves me for who I am, and doesn't need to be snooped on in order to be truthful. It also would be nice to be held again... you all probably know what I mean. BUT I am definitely not interested in getting into another relationship for a lonnnggg time. I need to build up my friend bank
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Re: Am I Overreacting? 
