About 2 days ago, I was helping my husband back up his phone, since he has a lot of personal information on it. It was meant to be harmless. Then, he told me not to look at his 'notes'. I asked why, originally playing around, but I saw the look on his face that it was something serious. Then, I looked at them. In the notes, there was a copied and pasted email between my husband and a childhood crush he had insisted 'were just friends' during the whole 4 years we've been married.
Basically, one of the emails has my husband telling her that he can't believe he has to wait a week to talk to her again, and the other one is her responding to an email when he told her he was in love with her. She states she can't be friends with him any more because they are both married, and that basically if they weren't married then things would be different. She also said she was going to listen to the 'song' he wrote for her.
Also in the notes were the lyrics to that song. They are graphically sexual, and honestly very upsetting. So, to summarize, he has told her he loves her and that he wants to **** her.
I confronted my husband, and he admitted he had said he loved her. He gave the excuse that we were in a bad place and that was his way of acting out, that he had been talking to her on the phone too much (news to me), and that he didn't really mean it. I then asked if he did love her, and he couldn't muster up a "no".
He doesn't think it's a big deal.
He's right about us being in a bad place, because HE was starting arguments on what seemed like every morning. He would yell about the stupidest things, and wouldn't hold back calling me names. We weren't having any sex because of the constant anger from him. I wasn't going to put up with any of it, and I definitely wasn't going to let him call me a b***** then have sex with him - which he states is the reason for his little email fling.
A little background on the girl - he's had a thing for her since grade school and she's never given him the time of day, other than sending him racy pictures through email (before we met and while she was engaged), but she's slept with most of his friends (this is what he told me). She is perfect in his mind, both physically and mentally. He takes up for her, even when his best friend doesn't like her because of her stringing him along all these years. He hasn't seen her in person for probably about 6 years or so, but I'm sure they've done some sort of Skyping, etc. and I think she likes the attention my husband has and does give her.
I honestly feel like he's being a lying, manipulative <insert mean word here> and he's trying to basically play around with my emotions. I'm also thinking that if she would have agreed to whatever his point was with that email, he would have definitely been up for being unfaithful.
I have been boiling from this for days, but haven't told anyone. My husband is staying quiet and we are not talking about it (he appears to think if he does that for long enough, I will forget about it), so I am left here to just think about it ALL THE TIME.
I'm thinking about leaving, but I'm not sure if I'm jumping the gun. I don't know how or if I can get over the fact that he told another woman he loves her, and sent that pornographic-like song he wrote for her.
YOu caught this before it grew from an EA to a PA.
IMO, it would likely have become sexual.
The texts and emails sound similar to my husband's texts and emails.
Lots of complaining about perspective spouses, missing you, can't wait to talk to you.
He never said he lover her though.
The fights too sound all to familiar. My husband and I rarely fought bitterly, but in the months of the affair, he was starting bitter below the belt type of arguments for no reason.
You should be angry. You should be worried. He is rug sweeping.
When I was first alerted to my husbands affair by anonymous letters, he said it was nothing, than more letters came and more and more and more......It was definitely something and a lot more serious than he initially admitted.
Secret bank accounts, credit cards a burn phone, lots of texting and late night emailing.
In fact, he was emailing her as a lay beside him in bed.
EA at the very least. Start to pack your bags and see what he does.
I know that he doesn't think I will leave. I think he's under the impression that since I'm a genuinely nice person, he can get away with this. Not going to happen, especially since I don't foresee myself being able to 'sweep this under the rug'.
I would pack my bags, but I don't have anywhere to go. We have moved around a lot since we got together and I don't hardly have a support system. If I'm going to leave, I will have to have a place set up, etc. before I do that.
I make all the money, so that should be too difficult.
Sara8 - I know about the humiliation you feel. I feel utterly and completely humiliated. Especially to know that my husband has been thinking about someone else during a great part of each day. He's never written me a song.
I also feel like an idiot. I feel like he's playing me, even now.
About 2 days ago, I was helping my husband back up his phone, since he has a lot of personal information on it. It was meant to be harmless. Then, he told me not to look at his 'notes'. I asked why, originally playing around, but I saw the look on his face that it was something serious. Then, I looked at them. In the notes, there was a copied and pasted email between my husband and a childhood crush he had insisted 'were just friends' during the whole 4 years we've been married.
Basically, one of the emails has my husband telling her that he can't believe he has to wait a week to talk to her again, and the other one is her responding to an email when he told her he was in love with her. She states she can't be friends with him any more because they are both married, and that basically if they weren't married then things would be different. She also said she was going to listen to the 'song' he wrote for her.
Also in the notes were the lyrics to that song. They are graphically sexual, and honestly very upsetting. So, to summarize, he has told her he loves her and that he wants to **** her.
I confronted my husband, and he admitted he had said he loved her. He gave the excuse that we were in a bad place and that was his way of acting out, that he had been talking to her on the phone too much (news to me), and that he didn't really mean it. I then asked if he did love her, and he couldn't muster up a "no".
He doesn't think it's a big deal.
He's right about us being in a bad place, because HE was starting arguments on what seemed like every morning. He would yell about the stupidest things, and wouldn't hold back calling me names. We weren't having any sex because of the constant anger from him. I wasn't going to put up with any of it, and I definitely wasn't going to let him call me a b***** then have sex with him - which he states is the reason for his little email fling.
A little background on the girl - he's had a thing for her since grade school and she's never given him the time of day, other than sending him racy pictures through email (before we met and while she was engaged), but she's slept with most of his friends (this is what he told me). She is perfect in his mind, both physically and mentally. He takes up for her, even when his best friend doesn't like her because of her stringing him along all these years. He hasn't seen her in person for probably about 6 years or so, but I'm sure they've done some sort of Skyping, etc. and I think she likes the attention my husband has and does give her.
I honestly feel like he's being a lying, manipulative <insert mean word here> and he's trying to basically play around with my emotions. I'm also thinking that if she would have agreed to whatever his point was with that email, he would have definitely been up for being unfaithful.
I have been boiling from this for days, but haven't told anyone. My husband is staying quiet and we are not talking about it (he appears to think if he does that for long enough, I will forget about it), so I am left here to just think about it ALL THE TIME.
I'm thinking about leaving, but I'm not sure if I'm jumping the gun. I don't know how or if I can get over the fact that he told another woman he loves her, and sent that pornographic-like song he wrote for her.
Any advice?
OK - he told her he loved her. He could not tell you that he did not love her.
No room for three in a marriage, someone has to go. You've only been married 4 years. You did not mention children, so time for you to leave. His behavior is immature and childish. You can expect more of the same if you stay.
OK - he told her he loved her. He could not tell you that he did not love her.
No room for three in a marriage, someone has to go. You've only been married 4 years. You did not mention children, so time for you to leave. His behavior is immature and childish. You can expect more of the same if you stay.
You're right, we don't have children. I think you're right. I just need to gather the courage.
Why should she move out of her house just because he may have cheated?
I agree. She "makes all the money," meaning she pays the rent or mortgage payment. Just tell him it's time for him to go. Better yet, pack for him and put his bags on the porch.
I agree. She "makes all the money," meaning she pays the rent or mortgage payment. Just tell him it's time for him to go. Better yet, pack for him and put his bags on the porch.
Yep, he's unemployed and we're both going to school. I guess that's where he got all that time for the EA from... while I was working to support us.
I think the main things that are bothering me now, after learning about the initial details are (1) I can tell he's mad that she didn't reciprocate the feelings - he said he thought she was not very sensitive about what he said when he said he loved her, (2) He says he doesn't care if her husband finds out, and that he's not scared, (3) He's holding on to the emails, and pictures of her, and (4) He's angry that I found out.
This is just terrible. I know I need to get him to leave. All the emotions are coming together now. Especially all the plans we've made for our future together. Even though in his mind, this all happened and was over a month ago, and our relationship started drastically improving, I just found out - so it's happening now for me, and that improvement seems like a lie, since I'm SECOND best to him.
I also do appreciate the support from you all. Since I don't really have a support system, or anyone I trust to call, I feel A LOT better, getting it out and hearing opinions from people that are not my husband.
When I kicked my hubby out he didn't believe I would actually do it. He ignored me at first, and started putzing around in the garage. We DO have kids, so I finally went to him and, in a barely suppressed raging lunatic voice told him he was taking them to a movie, dropping them off and coming home. When he got home I let him have it. Railed on him for 2 hours. I think by the time I was done he was scared sh!tless to stay there.
We are together today and very happy - you can read about it in the link in my sig if you like. But that day is etched in my mind forever.
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Am I Overreacting? 
